My ventriloquist dummy, Lowkey Ethnic Preston, is doing this thing where he whispers an incantation and transmogrifies into a flesh and blood strange small man and says, "Can I get real for a second?" and I laugh every time, but I do think that God is starting to get upset.

🚨REAL🚨Discovered something so incredibly dangerous to me personally, which is that every food item on the grocery store app has reviews

The Custom Oregon Plate DR_MILF is available for reservation. https://dmv2u.oregon.gov/eServices/?link=custom #Oregon #DR_MILF #CustomPlate #VanityPlate #OregonPlates #Oregon

Just figure out "A" game with the Liberty Biberty Guy and stick with it.

Mailman said my lawn looked great.

You shouldn’t make jokes on the internet it makes people mad

Remember when that Nobody was like "I've been put in charge of the search for the next Jeopardy host and-- Get this-- it's me!" and then he was immediately... Kicked off the planet? Killed? That was so, so funny.

It's the day that it is. www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzZa...

what does Jaws the shark want. what specific goal is he trying to attain

Normalize the pasta burrito

Can't explain why but it's pretty jarring that this character's name is Frank.

This is NOT what I signed up for

Pizza Movie is the only movie I want to see now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOzF...

Being married to me means that once a day-- every day-- you will be asked "What are you thinking about for dinner" at about 7:30 in the morning.

I'm not going to say the 90s were perfect, only to point out that someone could write a pop song that was almost literally "I want to fuck this actor from TV" and it would be a HIT. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wijp...

Trying to decide if there’s anything more annoying than “you left items in your cart” emails. Employees in stores don’t follow me around saying, “Hey, man, you were really eyeing those refried beans for a while, sure you don’t want me to grab ‘em for ya?”

True Art

"We only imagined 8."

This is the influencer letter I wrote as part of the marketing campaign for I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. My editor called it "insulting in a captivating way."

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

Season 3 of peopleWatching is finally rolling out on youtube-- watch episode 1 now! My #1 artistic advice is "make what you wish existed," so here's the kind of show i wish existed, which now, in fact, exists, thanks to endless work from many great people-- see it here: youtu.be/_ZcVG2CSC0U?...

Took a zoom group class last night and thought I was so polite turning the camera off while I was eating, not realizing I’d left the *mic* on, which I believe is Worse?

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"I know it's not this, but: Michael Television?" ^Me trying to remember the name of the actor who voiced Garfield.

now that the show has been out for a few days I'm gonna tell y'all about my writing staff and how great they are you're gonna sit there and like it.

This is the funniest show I've watched since whatever year 30 Rock went off the air.

Talked about these weird AI fitness scam ads that I've seen ten thousand times for my unwatchable podcast. www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8zZ...

Every single podcast I listen to mentioned Clavicular last week I'm not taking the bait I will not learn who this is there are too many types of guy.

Animorphs ass

"Bring ye news from the river?" the stoat asked holding his cane and hat. "Still babbling" I responded. This caused immediate unease and panic in the tavern, all creatures large and small started mumbling and making plans. I realised I was thinking of the brook, but didn't want to seem a fool.

i think this thing i love most about the internet is how normal it is

Shhhhhh. www.youtube.com/watch?v=92Cw...

You’re A Cyborg, Charlie Brown

I accidentally pre-ordered three copies and the other two immediately got snatched up by family based on title alone; all three of us read instantly and we all love. BUY! bookshop.org/p/books/i-wi...

Me personally I'd do my Olympics skating routine to the Goosebumps theme. www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYYE...

Reddit is amazing sometimes.

And this is how it ends, Every. FUCKING. Year.

each night I take my brain out of its box (my head) and place it in a jar and give the jar a kiss and say “help” and that’s how I go to sleep. I’m not joking that’s what I do. I don’t like it

Evening News Anchor Voice: And finally in some lighter news, we meet the little girl who brought her whole town together by making her own Hunger Games. That’s when we come back.

"so what's your take?" "leave me alone"

More important things happening etc but I have read "Giannis Antetokounmpo is ready for a trade" articles once a year every year for the last all of my years.

on February 20th, take a trip to the only place where the law means less than it does in present day America

I feel insane.

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give it 5 years and some tech exec is gonna be like "whoa, what if we made things that actually worked"

Everybody thinks 'https://' stands for 'hypertext transfer protocol secure' but it actually stands for 'head to this place, sucka' followed by a colon and two laser sounds

Asking the front desk person at the pasta factory if I can spend a night in the spaghetti room sleeping on the warm spaghetti they’re NOT selling and they don’t know what “I’M” talking about?