Its 3am. Does your police chief know where his ex-wife is? This post sponsored by Flock cameras

Guy who I used to slip n slide with saw me at the grocery store and asked me how my “sabbatical” was going. Looks like it’s about time I soap up and remind these drystanders why they call me The Hagfish.

permanent daylight savings doesn't go far enough

If no one else has your back, Bayes theorem has your back!

there's really two types of fantasy. (1) Reskinned sci-fi (scarcity solved by sufficiently advanced technology, immortal tree Vulcans, uses terms like "quest" and "adventurer" when the author must justify that the characters are murder hobos (2)"hard" fantasy which is just dragons. So many dragons.

Is there an add-on which filters out any Reddit post which mentions a dead pet or relative?

Started from the bottom, now we're here (the bottom).

Maine officials search the rocky beach for a new senate candidate. They find an unconscious man clad in tattered rags washed upon the shore. The sea provides for Maine, it always does

It's wild how AI can cause model collapse in the brains of the people using it.

Every royal who has ever sought immortality through magical elixirs has only hastened their own demise, but surely I will be different. My elixir has science you see.

*Barely audible through phone static* Hey chat, it's me, Xst'ixkrsh. I've got something real special lined for today's stream. It looks like a gang of teens has decided to hang out in MY HOUSE haha so you know what that means...

"This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gondor," i holler as i overturn my uncle's funeral pyre and turn the 4th Age of Man into the 4th Age of Shit

Under modern capitalism, every feature of human cognition is be exploited to extract a person's labor, information, or money. This means people must constantly either act against their nature or let themselves be exploited. Extremely cool

going to the spa and they want to scrub me. they want to peel me. they want to steam me. what am i, a freakin carrot lol (getting really scared) am i a carrot

I am tired of these damn crystal moths in my garage. They flutter around everywhere and take basically no damage unless you score a critical hit. I know that their crystalline bodies take bonus [sound] damage but my current spec doesn't have any [sound] attacks!

Ad Rock: you can disagree with the current All: POPE MCA: but if you push his buttons then you’re a All: DOPE Mike D: ordain yourself a bishop and you’re All: SCHISMATIC Ad Rock: excommunication is All: AUTOMATIC

Whole village out processing the giant who died in the ravine.

Cut is too aggressive. I prefer copy followed by a gentle, humane delete.

Everyone is always trying to make biodegradeable bioplastics, but burying a bunch of single use non-degradeable bioplastics might actually be an okay way to sequester carbon. The trick is engineering a lifecycle where they wind up under ground rather than in the ocean.

We should pack the court with spiders

My students are always learning my six sacred techniques then trying to use them against me in battle. Obviously I'm going to use the secret seventh technique to defeat them. Every day with this.

Cargoga pants

Y’all I know a lot of things are real bad right now, but here’s one of them

Give potato to your brotato. Split your fries between all the guys. Make sure you share your pomme de terre.

the bird serpent

The Magician's Song

Cross the threshold, pierce the veil. Brush your teeth and eat your kale.

The Grand Prismatic Worm lives in the Grand Prismatic Spring in Yellowstone where it is attended by its prismatic priests.

Cause of death: annihilated by the worm.

Following Hearts Strong As Horses with Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta was certainly a choice, random shuffle. KEVIN: *clearly fighting the urge to snicker* ME: SHUT UP I CONTAIN MULTITUDES

you: Please, dr moreau. your unholy creations are an affront to god. creatures of land should not combine with creatures of the sea. a baby belongs with its mother sheep, not imprisoned within a pearlescent shell until you see fit to pry open its hinges dr moreau: clamb

Yesterday I got to hear a man with the strongest Boston accent I’ve ever heard say “steak tartare.” There is still beauty in the world.

High dose beef can give a man strange dreams.

even removed from context, this pic is hilarious; team algae

lmao poor yorick. they got his ass

There is no heaven. There is no hell. There is just a free standing trellis. Pergolatory

A puzzle game where you play an experimental theologian who performs randomized prayers and rituals in order to determine which gods are real and what they like.

The three stooges but they are all AIs trying to help you.

Gonna start a small business that's like candy grams for ass kickings.

There is a particular delight in learning that someone has executed on an idea I've had. An effortless easing of the burden of interiority. An automatic rebalancing between the contents of the world and the contents of my mind.

Beans here!

Everyone seems so happy. They should let New York City win every sport.

Spirit Hallowern is the business equivalent of a hermit crab.

grabbing every small business owner I can find by the shoulders and yelling directly into their faces that IF I DON'T HAVE AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT I CAN'T SEE ANY OF YOUR SHIT GET A FUCKING WEBSITE

Optioning a screenplay where a rugged Texas rancher goes out to fight screw worms. After fa long battle he gains a respect for his foes and begins a whirlwind romance with a female fly. In the end he is devoured by 1000 larvae.

Neighbour noticed my fortifications and started inquiring about my moat guy. Dream on, fella, I’ve already promised your vulnerable lands to one of my lesser brothers.

New Frontiers in Husband Miniaturization

Dude made fun of my fingerless gloves so I showed him why I wear them (tickled him)