I just moved into a Marie condo. I get home and all my shit is in the dumpster.

ode to a 7-11 hot dog rollers of gleaming, well-oiled steel keep you warm until i'm ready to peel a dollar or two off my fat stack for you: my beloved, post-apocalyptic snack

during a recent move i misplaced an important document. guess who found it today! let's just say, the universe provides. i treated myself to a cheeseburger, and whoo-boy was it delicious.

an inauguration, a swearing-in, if you will or won't; a veritable public service anointment.

#til Pillbugs (often called "roly-polies" or woodlice) are... ... detritivores, meaning they primarily eat decaying organic matter like rotting leaves, mulch, and damp wood. ... crustaceans, not insects, and they breathe through gill-like structures. They require high humidity to survive.

I need for the Liberty Mutual commercials to have a Fight Club-esque reveal that there never was a Limu Emu, Doug was hallucinating him the whole time.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

who up tryna undo they trauma bond to the algorithm?

recreational #hockey this could be the nicest #goal of my largely unremarkable time playing this sport.

Let’s turn this housing pigeon into a homing pigeon.

playing checkers when everyone else is playing chess

First day of band camp we were told to give our tubas a girl's name and kiss our mommies goodbye.

we, the cool internet people, reject the ideology of Mondayism and the unhinged heinousness festering therein

I see your two Whistle Pigs, and I raise you a Blanton's. Happy New Year.

i hereby declare "cuticle" to now be a more diminutive form of cutie which leaves a word-vacancy for the weirdly delicate skin around fingernails suggestion: anything that doesn't sound like "cute"

i'm a capybara standing in front of the internet not asking it a damn thing basking in the unabated adulation smiling through it all this is my life

this smug little asshole chewed through the christmas lights twice in the same place 😡

artists, quote with something smooth & silky

artists, quote with something jaunty

tfw you take a calculated risk but forgot basic math

Imma 'bout to motorboat some samosas

tamales

so they either said there is nobody like you or nobody likes you and i am choosing to believe it was the former

little-known fact: a French horn is so named because to get a halfway decent sound out of it you're gonna need to stick your tongue way in.

slow down, Philip; damn! while this has been a fun experiment, i prefer chasing rabbits the old-fashioned way.

Taken Thanksgiving day, nice show by Mother Nature in Marina del Rey, Los Angeles #photography

They did it, they defunded our education so massively that we’re here now

we're running on a platform of ritual sacrifice: a billionaire a day until these mf'ers pay their damn taxes

sauntering through days, weeks, months, years, eras, eons, & epochs; cavorting with dwarves, & forever under the gaze of the Supreme Being; to you that's a great many lifetimes. to the Time Bandits that's Tuesday

One of my neighbors has been putting up these fish facts posters. All kinds of different fish, marine, freshwater, deep, shallow, all kinds. This is a good one. “Stg this real fish” took me out. Good work, neighbor.

He had salt and pepper hair. And oregano eyebrows. His lips were basil leaves. His entire head was a jar of Italian seasoning

for your birthday i artistically rearranged my face into a shape resembling happiness

Are people on television allergic to saying, when ordering food, “I will have“ [the thing that they are ordering]? It rubs me the wrong way in so many ways when someone says “I’ll do” [the thing that they are ordering]. “I’ll do the steak” is so wrong.

ultimately he became a caricature of himself: he asked to be cremated and commissioned drawing to be made with his ashes.

gaze upon my fur, hairless human, and tell me it's not the most luxurious you've yet seen

just paid 95 cents for a used vinyl record and all i got was this Nickelback

koru has visited The Past

please stand back from your pithy cutting comment; Verbal Forensics will test it for sarcasm

ambling along in relative peace, i turned onto a street hitherto unknown to me. presently i came upon a dark alley. my curiosity led me down that alley. as i neared the alley's end i saw staring back at me an unparalleled horror: a processed food

rent too high out here

proposed merger: bed bath and beyond meat

feeling v fortunate to have seen Tame Impala on the last night of their tour. this is "Elephant" 🐘

4 out of 5 scientists say it's the greatest thing since sliced biopsies

I used to be a metal head and now that I’m grown I’ve metamorphosed into an elder goth

if i was a bedding man, i'd be a comforter. because let's get real: who couldn't use some more comfort right about now.

little-known fact: dollars to donuts in pre-EU Greece was drachmas to dolmas

yeah he's a content creator. he creates a "con tent" which is like a house of lies without the class.

they woke up and decided on Declaring Our Utter-Dependence they'll permit us to endure strife, tyranny, and crappiness