ME: then he showed up—lotta stuff in his head—and he just sorta gave me a ham sandwich CHOTINER: because you solved it ME: the lament configuration, yeah CHOTINER: so the ham was pleasure… ME: …it came on a pretty crusty baguette… CHOTINER: …and that was your pain ME: you’re making it trivial

put vin diesel in a knives out mystery

i have 25 dollars and two mouths to feed, plus an electric bill coming up soon. it's not much but it's more than that. halp

in 2026 we are NOT hustling, we are NOT grinding, we are doing just enough Job to have money for Video Game

vgbees.com/mister-mirac... actually people have moral agency they can exercise and insisting that you are not culpable in your actions is profoundly anti-human nihilism.

i copped a minus gram of sticky quantum dogshit off my side bitch who works for Majic-12. snuck that shit into a history museum to wrap it in the world's first tampon, but the waveform collapsed up my asshole. I smoked that shit anyway. I answer to hungers beyond your power to name

this ancient lemurian skunk dick kief has me turning my face from justice and harboring devilsome notions against my fellow man. Dig up all the dirt you want to bury me and I'll smoke that shit too

I'm on that water moccasin smegma pack with godlike precision, got me blinding every watchmaker I can find. I'm spawning nightmare creatures every step I take. No rest can contain my creation and it continues to the present day. I won't even think of work unless it's wet

The opps keep trying to creep on me indisposed. I ricochet the backshot like Oswald faked his death and came back as Sting. They must have prayed to God to forget I'm him. I can't blame them, I do too

A FAIRYLAND OF UNMATCHABLE QUALITY AND BEAUTY. TO THINK OF TRAMPING THE HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS OF THE KINGDOM WHEN ON YOUR DOORSTEP IS THE CREME DE LA CREME.

Cockington is beautiful. Going to see Dick Emery tonight.

Dear Roy, Before Christmas you had a Wheelie Bin pinched. I have just had a Satellite Dish taken from my garden. I used this as a Parabolic Reflector for recording Birdsong. So if anyone sees this at a car boot sale, be careful as it may be Radioactive.

[explaining bisexuality to a really stupid guy that is way too into the movie Blade] OK, so you know Blade’s whole deal right? Well-

your presents wrapped 2025 you disappointed 32 extended family members this year. That's A Lot. you have 15 gay people online you bought presents for. Room for one more in the polycule? You jerked off 5 times on Christmas day. Talk about a White Christmas!

couldn't decide between a star and an angel, so i went with both

not gay as in queer but uh, actually i forget how those terms differ in terms of connotation. it's a moving target, isn't it? like i'm trying to grandstand but maybe it just makes me look out of touch. not queer as in... not so much gay as... well i'm cooler than you is what i'm getting at

*at a christmas party* oh Rudolph is your favorite reindeer? That’s cool yeah yeah he’s pretty great *in reindeer chat* BlitzenBoy92: at the work thinh. take a guess DonnerTime: buncha dolphies? VixenLover: fuckin lame bro just keep ur cool change the subject The Dasher Enjoyer: thinh

underselling @yonq.bsky.social on my girlfriend's server, to ensnare anyone into sharing in my deviation, a ludovico on the frog so as to force the frame between us into believing itself a mirror. its not that serious. this post is part of the plan. this post is meaningless meta-fiction crap. yonq.

I don't frequent Starbucks most of the year, but do stop in to get peppermint hot chocolate several times a week during the holiday season. It hasn't been hard to forego my beverages to support these folks. Even if your store isn't unionized, it is a nationwide strike. There are other coffee shops.

I do appreciate how each new Mr Beast thing becomes more dreamlike, as if it’s a profane parable whispered into your subconscious by a demon

Doc Bullfrog, you smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. They’ll kill you.

Does anyone wanna see a really good Getty image of Rita Moreno and Sam The Eagle having dinner in 1979?

I'm still thinking about the absolutely wild intro to this LeBron fancam I found last night

Grok is... grokking again

got my @newedgeswordmag.bsky.social issues ! hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah

Youtube ads are getting awesome

My child said to me: “Other-donkey, Elsa likes macaroni kiko” Can you understand what this sentence means? Write down your guess before I reveal the answer in the next tweet

The correct answer is: “I like strawberries.” Were you close? Please find the annotated translation attached.

https://gacha.o0o0.jp/gp/archives/37807 『ELDEN RING 小壺フィギュア』6月再販予定。蓋は取り外し可能 "ELDEN RING Small Jar Figure" will be re-released in June. The lid is removable. #ガチャポン #gachapon

censored again - "get behind me satan"

ME W/ A TIME MACHINE: hey kid. I'm you from 2025. Bet you have questions ME IN 1997: Explain Parappa the Rapper 2025 ME: What? 1997 ME: Susie got it. Says it's about a rapping dog. But it doesn't sound like rap music 2025 ME: I don't think I know enough about Japanese dj culture to fully answer that

People who criticize transgender people say there are only two genders. But the soul has so much more individuality🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 No matter how much my activities are restricted, super Chiitan will continue to speak out until we live in a world where everyone can freely express their love and love each other♡

Mech Ace, callsign “LONE STAR”. Air Ace, callsign “HUMMINGBIRD”. Submarine Ace, callsign “ANGELSHARK”. We brought together the three top pilots from each branch of our glorious military, and the conversation which followed was extremely disappointing.

ME: …submarine’s crew is ALL female, the lower average height means an increase to the amount of food storage space, a necessity for deployments lasting- NAVAL BOARD: We, uh, already approved your proposal five minutes ago on economic grounds. You can stop ranting now. ME: -average caloric intake of

For any of you artists out there who are at a loss with the way things are going right now, just remember Mr. Rogers' words of wisdom.

As of this morning, Starbucks workers across the country are officially ON STRIKE. And we're prepared for this to become the biggest and longest ULP strike in Starbucks history. Say #NoContractNoCoffee with us: DON'T BUY STARBUCKS for the duration of our open-ended ULP strike! $SBUX

avg linkedin user like "i'm happy to announce i'm starting a new position as part of the how to kill superman by blocking out the sun research team at luthorcorp" & the comments are all goons from similar branches of the legion of doom going "omg congratulations 🎉"

turning this mfer into a crepe

To heal our divided nation I propose splitting Game of the Year awards into two categories: - Game of the Year That’s 3D and You Use a Sword and/or Gun to Explode a Guy - Game of the Year That’s Some Gay Bullshit Indie Meditation on Grief or Whatever

we have got to do something about eyeglass ideology