good evening, feral little leash kids in my phone

wake me up when they’ve all stopped bleaching their eyebrows

I read your tweets In Minnie Mouse's voice. Didn't help

how i be leaving the function

Wow, I love this post so much. It could mean anything! I mean I don’t even have a single fucking clue what you’re saying. Excellent work.

Notifications so dry they need a little gravy

put jared leto in the labubu movie, he’ll be method and grind his teeth into tiny points and then we can watch him bite into a popsicle

took a stimulant instead of a valium so we can just speedrun this shit and move on

when a podcaster sounds hot with a hot voice so you look up a picture of them and you’re like ew yuck! yucky!! bleugh 🤮

Laugh, Linger, Loathe

cats can fucking read don’t be so naive

divorce-radar absolutely off the charts with this one guy every post feels like he’s doing PR for his home life 3 months tops

same but “yes chef”

me: *posting and cracking myself up* you: *reading my posts and getting increasingly concerned*

16 hours in Tokyo and my asshole has never felt cleaner

me, watching y'all scroll past my posts

when the waiter brought my crème brûlée and i accidentally called him daddy that was obviously off the record

when a podcaster sounds hot with a hot voice so you look up a picture of them and you’re like ew yuck! yucky!! bleugh 🤮

brother im scintillating

oh no not up the labumbum

Hell yeah brother

I talk a lot of shit for someone who gets upset when the shower curtain touches me

Turns out the doctor who did my vasectomy tied a granny knot and my wife now has a condition called turbo pregnancy

doing that little wiggle cats do before they jump when i post

hawk tuah? 🙂‍↔️ cock chewa 🙂‍↕️

pussy comitatus

davidge is such a beautiful name for a baby

imagine missing such important banana telegraphs

had a sex dream about a podcaster and threw my phone in the canal

a beloved poster got some traction and started getting numbies and now they post like they’re moses on a fucking rock sending out fucking proclamations used to be a real one, rip

my kingdom for a slightly nicer kingdom

that was my nickname in high school what are the chances???

the impact of a dad joke can be measured on a sighsmograph

one way of checking if you’re a girlies girl is to think of a bitch you hate and imagine what you’d do if some guy was being a dick to them if you’d fight him then whatever you’ve got going on with her really doesn’t matter

when you have to work with a qanon person

calling it a shitpost doesn't give you carte blanche to be incredibly annoying, that only works for me

watching a show about caravaggio and my love burst into the room and said ‘i’ll take CAR of your VAGGIO’

when you find a little baggie in an old overcoat

not the invention of the pád me bitch pick mes are so over

lot of definite sex havers out there

just heard someone pronounce something strangely on a podcast better be the whiniest bitch about it!

A Message To My Haters: i had a pretty crummy day today sike

The jerk store called to say they miss you. Fred the manager was crying

me: i, uhh, haven't had sex in a while her: it's alright, it's just like riding a bike [five minutes later] her: ok so maybe less pedaling

me: can i look? land surveyor with tripod: no.

y’ever get railed so hard you want to post about it???

Me, who is drowning in various forms of debt and despair: Yes sir, Mr Billionaire, that's a very young penis, even younger than yesterday

thinkin about honkers