thomas pynchon character named Bond Burger

watching all the shit I was into in middle school come back for the teenagers now that I'm old - Madness Combat, JTHM, gimme a nudge when we're loitering in hot topic and listening to birthday massacre (you can still do that) uhh updating my vampirefreaks (it's a store now) what if I killed myself

my most consumptive son, honey badger, has gorged on turkish delight and barricaded himself in the tower again

just remembered i got lao gan ma in the cabinet

Oh you didn't think my joke was funny thats ok [I bite down on a false molar releasing a full size Beretta. I swallow the Beretta as you would a cyanide capsule] fuck okay hang on can we reconvene after I take a dump

Reba McEntire wants to talk to me about La Blue Girl and who am I to say no

i found some more of my old comics that werent part of 'quite nice comics'

Zilius Zoxposting

day old 7/11 slice got me moving like a guild navigator

quake live frag video set to Buttons by The Pussycat Dolls

(guy who’s not very good at it) i make this shit look difficult!

weather warnings are so funny when you live in BC. i haven't seen the sun in a week man. it rains in my dreams.

My favorite bit in Lynch's DUNE is when the Emperor says "bring in that floating fat man" then pauses and adds "the Baron" as if there were multiple floating fat guys in the waiting area

(loud ass dot matrix printer noise) alright let's see here... (grabs paper and holds it close to face) "i'm at the club right now and they got a dancer named Betrayal"

Misguided trans allyship shirt that says I DON'T CHASE, I FOLLOW

things I volunteer to be in charge of under communism: -mandatory standardization of bra sizes -all gamers will be humanely euthanized -spell checker stop underlining "powernoise"

never forget and always be humble of the fact that in many instances you will be one of the two dumb bitches telling each other "exactlyyyyy"

Spent the last twenty minutes in warcraft with my crew bulldozing alliance punks trying to jump random low level horde folks outside the sunwell, full felt like this the whole time

Hitman level where you have to save a hoe

waiting for the best buy to open so I can buy a DVD copy of Matilda. Realizing the three grown men ahead of me and the six in the lot are waiting to rush the stands for fucking Pokemon cards. I close my eyes and think of running everyone over with a rideon mower listening to walkie talkie man

Walking around the clearance outlet Midwest sober with my jockstrap visible. I never gave a fuckkkkkk

Had to stop myself from turning to a customer who was complaining about price gouging and saying "no one's coming to save us and we're going to keep drowning" and laughing like RiFF RAFF before walking away

Office has lost power 6 times in a row and they still haven't said "go home" yet

Let Thwomp Top

Eat an Unspecified Number of Bugs

Get Legionnaire's Disease from the Fountain

Catch One of Those Water Bombs and Drink the Whole Thing

Unlock Peach's Liquor Cabinet

Smell This Milk, See if It's Bad

Bowser with a Big Gun

Metal Mario Kills Them All

Never Shit Again

had a dream there was a canned cocktail called Shinjuku Gold that was pocari sweat, alcohol [beer], and nicotine

Pitchford should've done his "very obviously try to grassroots the porno for my game" thing not with Battleborn but specifically with claptrap porn. I want to see the breed of certified freak trying to fuck the Reddit Trashcan that could've been born. Don't show me if they exist today, doesn't count

Applying a new bumper sticker reading I BRAKE FOR DRY HANDJOBS before my new job as a Baptist minister

When you look in the bowl and it's not 90% blood for once #REALSHITTERS

i was a warden... and this was my oath

COLLEGE SLAM

the US operation in Iran

My Sickest Bitch Ever