a phrase from a caller to my college football podcast: "I'm going to a MACtion-themed lesbian wedding on Tuesday..." "cellar door" in danger of being replaced as the most beautiful phrase in the english language?

christmas movie confirmed

i think the same way old people have to take the driving test again in some states i think famous comedians over about 50 years old should have to come up through the clubs again every once in a while to figure out if they've turned into unfunny cranks

about to go in for one battle after another. if some of you on here are to be believed, I may come out the other end a changed man.

lots of good info in here about the U.S. electrical grid circa 1899 if you’re interested!

my archery trick is take a deep breath and imagine the yellow is the concept of pitching injuries

had too many weeks in a row of life being pretty okay (1) so now the L's are piling back up. familiar terrain. feels like home.

not true

gathering 200 of my angriest coworkers from around the world in a room, hitting "play" on a youtube video of the "war never changes" monolog from fallout 3, saying "thank you, gentlemen, dismissed," and immediately getting jumped in the parking lot

"Class" dismissed. @theonion.com

been feeling so much cognitive dissonance lately because it feels like it should be 59 degrees outside, fully sweater weather, pumpkin beers chilling for the weekend, all that, but it's been well into the 90s and so steamy all week

they should invent a vistavision that's in my area

think I just saw a haunted hinge profile and I'm worried I'm about to be The Ring'ed

sometimes I find myself singing to the dogs in weird voices, because that's just what being a dog guy means. and sometimes I sing "oh puppy puppy" a la "oh baby baby" from "oops I did it again"

been in the habit recently of going for long steamy nighttime walks and dramatically reminiscing on my many regrets. listening to a good audiobook might be healthier.

I'm not going to read the credulous q&a of the republican dumbasses blaming both sides for all the bad shit their guys did. instead I will see how deep I can stick an ice pick into my ear

"either they're lying or they're stupid" should be the backbone of media coverage and democratic messaging on all topics. it's a universal truth. "either way they don't deserve your support." easy.

I would describe my politics as unincoherent

if I was going to invent a girl for my novel in which a bunch of older guys were weird about her boobs, I'd probably make her like 25 or 33 or 46 years old or something, not 17. but that's the murakami difference.

Engraving two bullets with "this bullet only lies" and "this bullet only tells the truth" to really stump the FBI

thinking about the terrifying bullet a v wordy guy will need

Yesterday in my undergrad fiction workshop, some students were discussing a peer's draft. One said "the main guy comes across as kind of sexy." The author immediately interjected: "He's not supposed to be sexy, he's supposed to be really old and gross. He's almost 50!" This is a hate crime, I said

just remembered the cop who self-owned harder than anyone by getting mad that black teens put dirt on his burger, but the "dirt" was spices

a lot of you didn't solve the clock puzzle by looking at the current time on your microwave and inputting that number and it shows

finally some reporting worth a good god damn

it never comes up because it happened when twitter was new, but we should add to the canon the white woman who carved a "b" (for barack!) into her own face but carved it backwards because she was looking in the mirror

a fox news host literally just said we should bomb the u.n. in new york city. "but he was clearly joking" well so were all my friends every time they said what should happen to chuck kirk

other than the miami herald, I can't find literally even 1 publication I've heard of covering this story. is it 1) that no one is covering it, or 2) that there's something suspect with the story? I fully believe it but I'd love some additional verification

every novel now is called A Synecdoche of Abstract Concept and every woman you know has read all 900 books in the series

some shit these days is indelible. other shit, very delible.

getting emotional watching a video of a possum having a nice time

many people are posting photos of delicious dinners tonight, but few are offering any to me. I'd politely decline btw but still nice to be asked.

all right everyone, rapture jokes are cringe and we've all moved on. [thinks of a very funny rapture joke] rapture jokes are back in a big way

hey if I follow you, would you mind turning this notification off?

me: i think with most things, if you look at it on a case-by-case basis, you'll find that especially these days it ends up being this whole issue where you have to sort of look at it through a lens of, hey, you know when it comes to this thing by its very nature isaac chotiner: i completely agree

I’ve been writing detective comics for a long time now, so I know when a close up magician has been pushed into a canal.

Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall

videos that autoplay any time you open an app are cool, but they're so much better when the sound is on and cranked to 100% by default

this movie looks incredible, but I can't stand how like 10 seconds of the trailer - so much real estate! - is dedicated to a "dad doesn't understand gender" they/them joke

It's amazing that people act like Isaac Chotiner has superpowers simply because he is the only journalist who has object permanence. The only journalist who doesn't freak out in a tantrum when mommy covers her face with her hands, and people are like holy shit this guy is basically Columbo

when the interview goes well: www.newyorker.com/news/q-and-a...

best meme i ever made

the vibes inside a mcdonald's during the daytime in the year of our lord 2025 are dour, man

Nonsense is one of the most classic things to spout

got stung by a wasp this morning. bad couple days, wasp-wise. and what a way to find out wasps aren't christian 😔

thinking about how if the rapture does happen tomorrow, bsky dot app's daily active user count will not drop by even one person but it will also be the funniest day ever on the internet

jimmy kimmel should have jf on