Strudel and his blankie

What wine pairs well with a dog sneezing in your face

(I make a "mouth" with the side of my hand and draw little eyes above it) Richard Dawkins: hmmmm (I put lipstick around the "mouth") Richard Dawkins, suavely: well hello

kids in the 1930s: Say there’s a new George Burns picture! kids in the 1970s: Hey there’s a new George Burns movie!

“This Netflix series is just awful." “And there are only four episodes."

Thank you for pointing out the piece of lettuce in my hair. Of course I know how it got there

one of the best parts about broadcast news is when holly hunter leaves the white house correspondents dinner early to try to get laid

The patsy is in custody

Cheryl Hines trying to ignore Triumph the Insult Comic Dog hahahaha

If your city has a bookstore crawl on Indie Bookstore Day, it will bring you guaranteed joy and adventure and sometimes free pastries.

Very excited to reveal the cover for my next book, Serling: A Journey Into The Twilight Zone with TV’s First Visionary. The book will be published by Grand Central on October 13 of this year, and pre-orders are open now: www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/alan-...

My favorite part of walking dogs is when they look up at me and smile like, “Isn’t this GREAT?” and “Thanks for carrying my poop” and “I won’t run if you unleash me” and “You’re kind of stupid, aren’t you?"

this album is a masterpiece and i am not kidding

Fate whispers to the warrior, “You cannot withstand the storm." The warrior whispers back, “Sorry, what?" Fate: "You cannot withstand the storm." Warrior: “You’re cutting out. Like you’re in a tunnel." Fate: “Now you say, 'I am the storm.’" Warrior: “There’s a huge storm here, call me back."

Swalwell: I am committed to finding the real rapist and won’t stop until I find him

Chef: This is what I make when I don’t feel like cooking- Me: Grilled cheese? Chef: … then just fill the honey-glazed duck cavity with star anise, ginger, garlic and scallions now preheat the

Sunny’s siren song

Today I learned that Sylvester the Cat was originally named “Thomas.”

A jazz album will be called “David Stebbins - AWAKENINGS” so you’ll assume David Stebbins is the guy singing on 9 of the 10 tracks but then you look it up and he’s the bassoon player

Whoa 🤯 The Moon, in full eclipse, with the #Artemis II Orion spacecraft. Part of the Moon and spacecraft are lit by Earthshine, and both Saturn and Mars are visible to the lower right. Incredible. Details: images.nasa.gov/details/art0...

I’m so old that I thought a special on HBO called “Finding Harry: The Craft Behind the Magic” was going to be about Houdini

Hauling out this photo again.

I mean, you don't really need a translator

Hear me out. Keep the State Visit, but send Princess Anne instead.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I hormuz you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking hormuz you?

Gonna have nightmares about Cottage Cheese walnut

West Edmonton Mall in Grade 6

Looks like The Judds are touring again

Cuban poster for Hitchcock’s ROPE (1948)

Markdwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning

“How the West Was Won” in Cinerama

It’s really hard to win an argument when you have the hiccups

Not a lot of interest in my Luge for Seniors class

*realtor trying to stop her nosebleed* I do love a home with a breezeway

Those yahoos should try a round and see if their hip flexors can handle it. Not to mention moving yourself around the ice on one foot while paddling with the other, like an upright human canoe.

They've gone Epstinct.

With the new Muppet Show special, Seth Rogen and company finally did the thing every Muppets fan has been asking for forever: They just made The Muppet Show again. My review:

I wrote a piece...i believe they call it "an appreciation"... about one of my comedy heroes: Ms.Catherine O'Hara. www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv...

Michele Bachmann in braces for CarShield

Upside down duckling is upside down. Well done 12. #duckling

How is this not Kate McKinnon

Thinking about running some ethernet cable under the house but also kinda weirded out by the idea of the internet being in my crawlspace. Maybe it should stay where I can keep an eye on it.

And I think this one’s done! Strange Sport Stories sketch: Jimmy Olsen vs Swamp Thing. This will go up on the Helioscope etsy in a few days, or if you want it right now, it’s yours for free if you make a $400 donation to the trans law center. transgenderlawcenter.org/donate/ DM me to coordinate.

I wrote about my experiences being sexually exploited as a child, and what we need to do to make sure AI doesn’t make that a reality for millions of children. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

can someone please show trump Greenland’s actual size and change history as he loses interest?

As a social movements scholar, I absolutely love the diversity of tactics being developed by each city, reflecting their local flavor Portland kept it weird with inflatable costumes Chicago protected its street vendors by buying up their food each day Charlotte chased ICE agents into the woods

These people have the worst cases of Stockholm Syndrome! The answer to this should be, "You're a public servant. I expect you to answer my question civilly and without insults. If you can't, find me someone who can." What would happen? He'd get barred from these sham events? And lose what, exactly?

I never got an answer

I love you, Fairfield, CT driver who just passed me blaring “Sundown” by Gordon Lightfoot