"He’d made an underworld connection, which was hardly too difficult a thing to do, if you were brought up in the kind of neighbourhood where Jim was brought up. The Hell’s Kitchen neighbourhood of Brentford." Robert Rankin's books have become even funnier to me since I actually moved to Brentford.

Did you hear about the shoplifter caught stealing a copy of Ulysses? He got a very long sentence.

I don't use Spotify - largely just inertia on my part, please don't write in - but despite that I'm also pretty sure I know what music I've listened to this year.

I worked for the NFWI for ten years, and while people's disappointment at this announcement is understandable, I guarantee the decision hasn't been made lightly, and they will be sincerely heartbroken at making it. They are not the enemy here.

I named my fists FORD and PREFECT because they're mostly harmless.

Don’t think much of the Amazon Black Friday sales. I ordered The Two Ronnies on DVD but instead I got four Kindles

While I feel that the people running our particular simulation are now really taking the piss, I also feel they’re giving us every opportunity to have a little think about what we’re doing.

I'm in the closing stages of making cheung fun (steamed rice noodles). I've made the char siu, I've made the sauce, and I've mixed the rice noodle batter. I've even got some prawns and soy curd strips for Mel's favourite variety. Now comes the tricky bit...

Sisu: Road to Revenge is an insane piece of cinematic genius. The shock value when Aatami first kicks off is diminished, and there's a little more humour, but it DELIVERS the action it promises. Catch it on the big screen if you can. A blend of peak Indiana Jones, and Mad Max: Fury Road.

Bono apparently on TOTP reminds me of the old joke: "What's the difference between Bono & Jesus? Jesus doesn't walk around thinking he's Bono."

My final 2025 day trip to Edinburgh is just about over. I'm always happy to go up... and even happier to get home at the end.

DEPLOY THE BOY

I have seen entirely too much of Gatwick Airport this year.

A train being 2 minutes late is obviously trivial... until it happens when you have a window of barely 3 minutes to run across Clapham Junction to get your connection to Gatwick for an early flight... going to try anyway, but this is sub-optimal, frankly.

This evening I mostly met Simon Jones, aka the definitive Arthur Dent!

Billionaires. What's stopping you from making your AI robots look like this?

You’ve been kidnapped. The characters from the last TV show you watched are trying to rescue you. Who’s coming to save you? Ah, shoot. "It's Doctor Who day," we said, "let's carry on with our Hartnell runthrough," we said. Well, now my fate is in the hands of a damn Sensorite, so that's just GREAT.

This whole grubby saga with Nathan Gill shows how Russia-friendly Reform are, and that they should be nowhere near our national security. www.mirror.co.uk/news/politic...

I kind of hope this post never gets another reply, because as it stands it's the purest distillation of Bluesky that I've ever seen.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because it saw someone from work on a Saturday.

This is the first ever photograph of the moon. It was taken in 1840. It's SO shit. If I'd taken a photo of the moon that looked like this I wouldn't be bragging about it.

So, about half my family are from a certain part of the Midlands. Also, my second play is about to go into production. Is it too late to start describing myself as a playwright from Stratford On Avon?

Honestly, I about to rename Detective Daintypaws IV, "Grain Theft Auto" (a title so good I'll use it for a spin-off) - a new series of Line of Duty is an absolute magic bullet for a writer of comedy cat detective fiction. Coming soon. NICKING BEN CLOPPERS www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio...

Ok, so I need to get "Nicking Ben Cloppers" finished - I was on the point of changing the title because I was so convinced this wouldn't happen! www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

I am super excited to see Paapa Essiedu and Bryan Cranston in All My Sons on Thursday. The shows I review have been quietly getting more awesome in the last couple of years. One day someone may even pay me (but until then, the tickets, programme and a large glass of wine for Mel will do just fine).

What are your top 5 movie genres? Mine are: - people in big shirts having sword fights - characters sack off the plot for a bit to chat philosophy - "time travelling dinosaurs on motorbikes" - supporting cast includes someone obscure from 70s telly - nazis get massacred

Big very scary announcement that I never thought I'd have to make so I put nice music and a relaxing nostalgic background on it for you.

Yay, my editor approved my dreadful title! "Cow On A Shot Thin Roof" is the published title for my review of Possum Trot, a charming new play at Chiswick's Tabard Theatre, starring the wonderful Sarah Berger. markaspen.com/2025/11/15/p...

For my latest theatre review, I've crafted perhaps the greatest (worst) pun title I've ever achieved. If it makes it past the editor, I'll be back later to share it.

Doctor Who: The Reality War (2025)

This evening I'm reviewing a devised performance about Brunel and the first Transatlantic Telegraph Cable, and trying to think why I *wouldn't* title it "Laying Some Cable".

What did Crick and Watson discover? Rosalind Franklin's notes. And that all i have to say about that.

Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check

"America ought to keep her bandits to herself, and not make them an export commodity.” Vampiria, Arthur Bernède, 1933. Coming soon(ish) in English.

I suppose with Watkins dead, HM Prison Servicr need a replacement for Most Famous Nonce. It's a tradition, or an old charter or something.

I get to go to a great books event AND I'll get a head start on Christmas shopping with signed books by one of my Dad's favourite writers (Reynolds). I'll be a very smug little Andrew, clutching a very large pint.

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. So I did some works. Felt mighty, may despair later, sorry not sorry.

I have a new audiobook! Chantecoq and Wilhelm's Spy -The Enemy Within Volume 2 of Arthur Bernede's pre-WW1 spy thriller. A French officer faces a court martial, and only Chantecoq can clear his name. But Chantecoq has vanished. DM me if you fancy a download code. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0CJJYHL5H

It's been a shit couple of weeks, but I just learned there's going to be new Doctor Who in 14 months, and it's genuinely made my day. A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.

I'm listening to the Lily Allen album now

Avengers Doomsday (2026) Dir. The Russo Brothers

Sadako crawling out of your tv, turning motion smoothing off, then crawling back in

Thank you, Elizabeth Strout. A five star rating is always nice to receive, but RE-READING? This is an honour that I dream not of.

We acquired "Jo Nesbo's Headhunters" for a quid from CEX the other week. I'm probably late to the party given it's apparently Norway's highest-grossing film ever, but it's EXCELLENT, truly unpredictable with a nice streak of dark humour. Strongest of recommends.

I'm so fed up with "future generations will never understand the relationship between these" memes with pictures of cassette tapes and pencils that I'm going to start adding comments explaining that in the 90s we stuck pencils up our arses as a masturbation aid while we were listening to Meatloaf.

Half-watching the recent remake of The Witches. Anne Hathaway's doing fine, but it's a shame Eva Green never got a go at a part that could have been written for her.

On the point of muting the word Frankenstein just to avoid the fresh wave of lolarious bad takes from people who read the book 30 years ago, if at all.

You know what, people don't quote Pulp Fiction enough these days, because, "Sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never know, because I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker" is clearly the best response to this.