6 weeks of continuous performance begins in the airport as I wait to board a plane to Guernsey... where I learned last time I was there, they don't have squirrels.

I see that some lit fests have started pairing up celebrity authors, which is great because it shows that no matter which half of a comedy duo you are it's still possible to write a children's book.

I know we all like to differentiate the good celebrity authors from the bad celebrity authors these days, but dear celebrity author, if your new children's book was inspired by your beloved pet, you are such a cliche you deserve at least a little mocking. Sorry, them's the rules.

Tickets available for all 3 shows now. Mine can found here www.thespaceuk.com/shows/2026/c...

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Thank you for your attention to this matter.

As days go, this was a good one.

Blimey, leaving primary school is a big deal these days.

I've made sure my ringtone is on so I'm just waiting by the phone. That's how it works, right? If you miss the call, they move onto the next option. Probably Dermot.

If they're planning on making me the new laureatte they're leaving it a bit late to ask me since the announcement is tomorrow. Just saying.

Today I performed my show twice for large KS1 audiences at a local school, partly to rehearse for Saturday's big show. It's interesting though. With a public audience, you're trying gee them up. With a school audience, it's more about geeing them down. The puppets created high levels of hysteria.

Gosh. The big kids lit fests are looking remarkably samey this year, aren't they.

Up early and now on a tram as today's school is in New Addington... no, nor me. Beyond Croydon.

I've just remembered a joke that entirely failed to make it into a book years ago, in which one of the characters got Air Conditioning mixed up with Hair Conditioner. I think in the end it was, quite rightly, edited out.

The piece of political speak that has bugged me for years now is this idea of drawing up a 'roadmap' to peace, because a roadmap is just a map of all the roads. It's not a route.

It's not for me to call myself the hardest working author in book business, but I'm not going to stop you. Here's a map of where to find/avoid me from now until 1st September.

You might think my life is all glamour & glitz, but the tortoise just ate a chunk of red pepper, then farted & pissed all over the floor. I have now ejected him from the house & cleaned up the pepper pippy piss he left behind, while he triumphantly paraded around the garden.

Today I've been emailing reviewers about my Edinburgh show and because I'm personally so tired of these crappy AI written phishing emails about my books, I've been making each email different & ensuring that they all have at least one beautiful human mistake.

Those heading to the Edinburgh Fringe this August with kids, please consider dropping in on my debut Fringe show. TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW! www.edfringe.com/tickets/what...

It's been a while since I did one of these, but here is a short rap based on a post by @nataliereed84.bsky.social. (Made in a hurry but without AI)

Today, as usual I was strumming a ukulele as I walked home. A man stopped me to tell me how much he liked the sound. He asked me to strum again & then he improvised a song about God over the chords. I'm not religious myself but I loved every aspect of this encounter. This is the London I live in.

Change a letter of an existing song to make a new one. WE ATE THE CHAMPIONS for @writerblighter.bsky.social Note: this is a new tune. Not a parody where I change the words of an existing song, which is something I find a bit dull... & like the musical equivalent of colouring in.

Make up a new song by changing the letter in an existing one: What do get when you fail in love?

That's twice now I've heard the BBC describe Hockney as "one of Britain's best known and influential artists." I get what they're trying to say but the sentence doesn't quite make sense to me. Feels like it's missing a word.

I wasn't going to ask any of these things but now I feel like I need an answer to all of them. (I do know some of them)

I'm continuing my ongoing test of asking people who aren't librarians, teachers, booksellers or authors what it's National Year of... I'm sorry to say, the results aren't great.

I'm in the pub, writing & one of those lovely romantic Van Morrison songs just came on. It's got me thinking about the cavernous gap between Van Morrison's singing persona & literally everything everyone says about Van Morrison, the man. Has any living musician got a worse reputation?

I wonder what qualifications one requires to become an Author Visibility Consultant. I'm kind of imagining someone in a funny hat with one of those duck-calling things around his neck, identifying any authors in the wild.

I've been thanked for my prompt replies a couple of times today. I think maybe this should be a thing. 'Prompt Reply Mondays'... although maybe it's more of a Friday thing. Either way, a day when everyone replies promptly. And when I say everyone, I actually mean agents & publishers.

Yesterday I took The Ministry of Mini Musicals to the park. I made up songs about football, unicorns, people I met, a march in support of refugees (including the recently elected Mayor or Lewisham), bikes (incorporating the bicycle bells). Made some money. Made new friends. Filmed none of it.

I wrote these words to capture the moment. This piece of writing doesn't really have a purpose, but I thought maybe it's worth putting it online in case anyone sees it & happens to be in Leicester. If so, please do say hello to Lizzie, admire her art & help her pay for tonight's room.

This Traitors rip off on ITV feels very blatant, doesn't it.

I went to the park to play today and made a few new friends, including - rather bizarrely - the singer PP Arnold, who it turns out lives locally and was sitting under a tree learning songs for a Northern Soul show she's doing soon.

Life is like a train journey. Some think we're moving forwards. Some think we're moving backwards. But we're all ultimately going in the same direction together.

The two most annoying picture book characters (and this may be down to my interpretation when reading these books aloud) are: Gerald (from Giraffe's Can't Dance) and Zog!

Working on a picture book text today and, for some reason, I have this overwhelming desire to put lots of inappropriate language in the illustration notes. So there's this f*£^ing dick of a mouse, right and he meets a fox. The fox is obviously a right tw&t. Obviously I won't do that really.

OK, I know I'm older now but I'm throwing my hat back into the ring. Here's my audition tape for a muppet musical reinvention of the Bond franchise. Come on Barbara Broccoli, lower your standards. youtu.be/2rFTm_eMxpc?...

Trees when it's raining: Hey, come shelter under me. I'll keep you dry, dude. Trees when it's stopped raining: You know that rain you were sheltering from? Here it is, sucker.

If you're lucky enough to be visiting London this week you get to see this city in all of the possible weathers. It's been hot, cold, rainy, dry, windy.... We just had hail! No snow yet, but the day is not yet over.

I wonder what percentage of picture books are reworkings of other books/stories & how many you might consider properly original stories. I think it's probably about 50% of mine.

You can judge me all you like for googling my own name but if I didn't I wouldn't find things like this, a Spanish advert for Chicken Vs. Egg! youtu.be/dfT0MZWVWfI?...

On July 4th I'll be back at The British Library with CinderGorilla and Rabunzel the Musical. This is something we made last time I was there. Come along and join me. It's better with an audience youtu.be/Y8D0BVWgCKA?...

I've never understood the point of awards shows that reward things which have performed the best in their field. It always feels like industries giving awards to say, Hey, thanks for making us loads of money.

It's all this stuff that's driving me crazy. I'm thinking of postcards rather than flyers. Anyone got any strong opinions about this design? Is it working? This stuff is not my comfort zone.

Today I'm going to try playing music outside in Hoxton. If anyone gives me money I'll call it busking, but that's not really the purpose.

Crud or classic, there's no such thing is a good book. Books mean different things to different people - as these reviews of The Considine Curse demonstrate. And any book is a new book if it's the first time you're picking it up. So why not pick up a copy and decide for yourself?

Yesterday's song was about superstition. Excitingly, I think it's the first ever song written about this subject. No, I can't think of a single song about Superstition.

It amuses me that this person I've never heard of said 94.7% of children's books are rubbish & you all assumed he meant yours. I just glanced at it, assumed I was in the 5.3% and moved on.*

The person serving in Co-op just congratulated me on my savings (taking £7 down to £5.25) & I realised how much I needed someone to acknowledge how much effort I put into only buying discounted items & using my special offers. Ideally, I'd like party poppers or confetti or something each time I pay.

Today I am trying to write a press release for my Edinburgh Fringe show, CinderGorilla: The Musical. I mean , I would ask Chat GPT to do it but, that would produce something generic & shit. In fact, maybe I should ask and then write the opposite of what it comes up with.