I feel like I just saw pizza topped with salad but then I just kept scrolling bc no I didn’t

I don’t know why Tolkien called a meeting of wizards “the white council” when “staff meeting” was right there.

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

What kind of bullshit they got to say about me in here?

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

Yeah, like any of us are "popular with friends."

Between checking myself and wrecking myself, I keep pretty busy.

(amoeba suddenly becoming self-aware): holy shit i'm an amoeba

It looks like I just have to accept that the 'nudist lifestyle' is not one I'm built for. At least that's what my fellow passengers are telling me.

Them: what’s your retirement plan? Me: you mean death?

the ever-increasing energy crisis, brought to you by the never-ending pursuit of humanlike fuck robots

your TL is trash *followed*

Sometimes all you can do is make the world 0.0000000000001% less awful by being a good person and it feels very meaningless but it’s also the only thing that really matters

Always read the fine print.

Praying for someone else's sins is the ultimate "I'd like to speak to the manager"

these are the horrors of our lives

Not to get too controversial, but I believe the Grinch learned to love Christmas too much and evolved into what we now know as Michael Bublé.

ok I’m ready to go home now 😊

This yr I’m setting realistic goals: 1) get out of bed 2) don’t bite anyone

nah, I know who my people are, thanks

(Family hoping I will stick to my new years resolution to stop doing wacky stuff) Me: (on Jan 2) Ok, so the prison bus rental guy will be here any minute with my prison bus...

My point is, we live in a society where porn is free and healthcare is unaffordable. See you in church.

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

Cop: you didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign Me: you do know the world is constantly moving, right?

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

If I was in Stranger Things, I would just call Vecna “Veccy,” but pronounced like “Vicky” in a Valley accent. This would really throw him off his game. This type of bullying was on par for the 80s, and known to be effective

Don't you hate it when you're a complete horror movie wuss but your friends make you watch a scary movie and later when you go to bed there's an actual apparition staring at you from the top corner of your room I hate that lol

they should make a closed captioning but for people

To this day, I’m still proud that I can spell beautiful correctly

I can't believe it's almost 1996

You'd think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Hallmark Christmas movie in the streets Lifetime Christmas movie in the sheets

Fun game: Text your mom Christmas afternoon "How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen ham?"