Calling him “Mr. Dilbert” is what sets the Onion apart.

"An armor called fantasy." Personal piece inspired by reflections about escapism. #art

Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Reassurances That It Will Be Fun https://theonion.com/explanation-of-board-game-rules-peppered-with-reassuran-1819579569/

I just woke up from a nap and somehow while I was asleep, everyone on air force one has figured out we are not going to the right place

The way my adhd meds make me feral horny about 45 minutes after taking them is very unfair considering I am supposed to be working.

It’s hard being married to Mickey. He’ll say to Minnie like, “Hey, you’ve got your own things going on too. You’ve got your… little bows.” He doesn’t even know the name of her Etsy store. He keeps promising he’ll use his connections to get them into Target. She’s like, I shouldn’t have to ask.

oh it's going to be a Recession recession

If you are in Seattle, please go patronize this store because this is amazing content/promo 😂 (laughing to keep from crying, and I do kind of low-key want that orange spider plant I have never seen that before) Source: www.instagram.com/reel/DTQrTqZ...

Mormon bishops after my third confession in a month

i don't know what the EU's anti-coercion instrument is. i understand it's probably a complex parliamentary mechanism to trigger a series of nonbinding regulations. but i choose to see it as a continent-sized cartoon snub nose revolver held in an enormous mechanical hand rising out of southern france

Kira would NEVER do that. Rather Kai Winn.

Some people were confused by my ICE post. This should clear it up.

me: dudes are always getting super freaked out by my attempts at foreplay and I don't understand why my foreplay:

It's me. I'm Grandpa Simpson. Die in a fire, OneDrive. No one will mourn you.

I have never felt more seen by a Post

I’m seeing posts from people (outside of MN) about how US citizens should carry their passports. And let me say that *inside* MN, we are calmly responding to requests with: “No, I don’t have to show you any documentation.” Because that’s how you protect everyone, regardless of immigration status.

The exquisite agony of realizing you can’t remember where you put something important. Only that you put it somewhere aside from the regular place that would definitely be a better spot. “I’ll remember this for sure” I say to myself. A grin from the blackness at the back of my mind.

Posts from Minneapolis residents read like they'll be read in voiceover in a Ken Burns-like doc one day

Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor https://theonion.com/conservatives-say-renee-good-was-brainwashed-by-bible-into-loving-thy-neighbor/

this is Minnesotan for "I am mad enough to bite through rebar"

Senate Democrats absolutely have to shut the govt down to stop this ICE insanity in the Twin Cities. This is not sustainable & cannot be normalized. Any Democratic vote to provide money to the thugs who are brutalizing this community is a grave betrayal to the people here. Accountability can't wait.

It's a millennial bouillon cube, a pure concentration of a single generation, of time and place, containing a thousand odors floating in the air, each one connected with a thousand thoughts, and hopes, and joys, and cares long, long forgotten!

Good morning every who just doesn’t care about their job anymore

"Hahaha" said Gandalf, hitting his weed pen for the seventeeth time that hour. "Fuck".

Yes, killing peaceful protesters is a sign of tyranny. www.nbcnews.com/world/iran/t...

After the struggle of filling my meds from last month, and the absolute ease I had to fill them today (but only name brand), I’m convinced that supply companies sit on stock to ride out December until the deductible reset in January.

The website for 38-year-olds leans forward in its chair

When the back-to-work blues hit, I strongly recommend baking.

Through art we can reach the most hidden crevices of our being and exorcise the demons within by casting them into the light

it’s going to be weird going back to work and people talking like everything is normal. like in a final fantasy game when someone’s summoned a meteor from hell to destroy the planet and the villagers still only talk about the big chocobo pageant coming up

Rough vibes on this website today, likely because people feel Hopeless and Helpless Because Can't Stop It and No One Who Is Supposed To Is Trying To So Now We're Fighting Each Other™. I recommend activities such as book, or potentially instrument if you like instrument, or even do talk on phone.

Just realized that Emperor Qin Shi Huang's "Terracotta Army" of clay soldiers he kept in a vault in like 200 BC make him the first Warhammer Guy. he got some disposable income and started painting minis. totally get it

The Bible asks "Am I my brother's keeper?" Haven't finished reading it yet so I assume the answer is "No, fuck your brother."

Badger Baker 🦡🥖 First friend of my new collection “Artisan Animals” #furryart #illustration #illustrator #artist #art #artsky

The new Black Mirror episode was pretty weird

Finished this one up after some reworking. 👌 The watercolors got too dark and heavy, so I ran the painting under water and scrubbed a lot of it off, but ended up really liking the softer ghosted look that resulted. I went over the line art again with walnut ink and called it done.

It's a big day for those fluent in the good grammar of civility looking to deploy decorum to mask agendas of cruelty

You don’t have to be angry, you don’t need to raise your voice, but you also don’t need to be obsequious. Your reps work for you: don’t bloviate, set expectations.

People are going to try and lure you into debates about whether Maduro was a good guy or not and the thing is, it doesn’t matter for the purposes of discussing whether violent kidnappings and extrajudicial murders by the US government are ok. No, they aren’t! End of convo.

This meme is almost as old as my boomer father

What do you think is in the rest of the files, or sitting in a Russian file cabinet, to get him to be this blatant?

I see Spock is reporting from the White House regarding Venezuela.

Tonight's EPIC #FridayNightZillow kicks off with a $29.995M megamansion in Alpine, Utah that is absolutely *STUFFED* with eye-candy, including this SECRET TUNNEL to a hidden Hobbit House! 8BR, 16BAs, 30K SF & "resort-quality" amenities. www.zillow.com/homedetails/...