I was gonna be famous but I got too tired

"Call my name and save me with the a-a-ark" - Evanescence begging Noah to load them on the boat so they don't die in the flood

This is murder. www.washingtonpost.com/national-sec...

Sat at 5 at QED in Astoria! Stories about all kinds of relationships, plus onstage therapy with real therapists!

My storytelling and onstage therapy show, Relationshit, is this Saturday at 5 at QED in Astoria! Featuring: Erin Rose Chan @iangoldstein.bsky.social Hattie Hayes @caitlinreese.bsky.social Come if you want to have perfect mental health! (Or just like, enjoy a show) qedastoria.com/products/rel...?

Honestly you'll know if I like u cause I'll accidentally go "hummina, hummina" under my breath and then fall down a well

My sex life is boring but my sex death is fascinating

If you talk really quickly and passionately for 30 seconds onstage about anything, you WILL get an applause break

U guys ever heard of neural impulses? Really makes u think.

Oh hey! Relationshit, my storytelling and onstage therapy show with real therapists is happening this Saturday the 23rd at 5pm at QED in Astoria! Featuring: David Lawson @mattstorrs.bsky.social @maxfine.bsky.social Wilson McDermut AND MORE?! qedastoria.com/products/rel...

Ernie is an abuser, full stop. Bert deserves better

Me when I

Oh my God. I just realized. HULK HOGAN DIED ON THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER/RADAR ONLINE STORY THAT EXPOSED HIM AS A RACIST. That's...insane.

Saturday at 5 at QED Astoria! Storytelling and onstage therapy with real therapists, featuring: @sharonspell.bsky.social Wilson McDermut @mattgrote.bsky.social and more! Hosted by me and Morgan Pielli! Buy tickets here, babe: qedastoria.com/products/rel...

I wish someone would hug my voodoo doll

My only real platform now is running into the street screaming

Not enough therapy accounts for the fact that you really MIGHT be an annoying idiot everyone hates

Oh hi read my Substack where I talk about the internal pressure to be responsive at all times Lynnbixenspan.substack.com

full house sequel show "fullest house" where the house is full of secret rooms and maze like passageways with a ton of heretofore unseen uncles and there are also "false uncles" and secret rare uncles only spoken of in whisper and a colony of golden labs and just loose beach boys roaming around

OH NO I found the perfect curse: “May you be loved by people who know how to show up… and may it terrify you every time.”

Today at 5PM at QED in Astoria!

Whoa. EPIC shade!!!

Call me anything but late for capitalism!

Screaming "I WAS BIG ON TWITTER" at people waiting in my dentist's office as they slowly back away

I'm sorry but I'm gonna keep saying "Bernie and Ert" every time by accident and honestly that's just the way it is

The singular of anus is anu

The only way to fight a Bad Guy With Mental Health Problems is a Good Guy With Mental Health Problems

What if I became very mysterious. What then. Would you want to kiss or

Don't @ me Lynnbixenspan.substack.com

Thanks Microsoft Teams for that not-at-all-chilling message 😧

I just realized the name Home Box Office never made sense because the box office is where you BUY tickets, not watch the movie. In this essay I will Sir this is a Wen

apparently Elon's gotten so mad about Grok not answering questions about Afrikaners the way he wants, xAI's now somehow managed to put it into some kind of hyper-Afriforum mode where it thinks every question is about farm murders or the song "Kill the Boer"

I'm too sad to make the ultimate HBO Max skeet but rest assured it's in me

after 12 extremely painful and expensive sessions i have removed the hbo from my hbo max tattoo, now let me just fire up my favorite entertainment news site and

I don't know who needs to hear this, but they're not treating you like shit because you're shit. They're treating you like shit because they're shit.

That highway scene from Final Destination 2 was Jaws for millennials.

For me, this is every game where I take a break for 2 months and when I play again I don’t remember how to jump

If you ignore me, I will become more ignored than you can possibly imagine

Oh you better believe it:

Just saw a post that the moon in Scorpio is "asking me to let go" and reflexively screamed "NO!" at my screen

Your periodic reminder that you're FUCKED UP and doing everything wrong

Um ok but if you HATE humans so much than why ARE you one?!

My life has become very small. I live in the belly of a pocket watch now, a constant dance with gears to avoid being crushed.

pony: is this your card? me: yes! cool trick! pony: thanks me: can you do any others? pony: *sighs* no

Lynnbixenspan.substack.com Ok find out secrets

The only Pope I care about? Ron Pope-eil!

Nice