Preparing 3-4 minutes of new material to present to my family today. If a joke bombs they can remove one item from my plate. If a joke lands I can remove one of them from the house.

From your lips to God’s balls.

Normalize “sucking fat toes” to be the answer to all of your security questions.

Rewatching my divorce today and believe my videographer nailed it.

Your health comes and goes but a flight to Cancun is forever.

If you’re going to share your location on Instagram stories, maybe leave the house.

Pre-Zohran: Sorry, I don’t go to Astoria. Post-Zohran: Yeah, I’m topless on Steinway right now.

Does this vote for Zohran Mamdani make my empathy for others look too big?

Real sluts must hate all these dumb girls appropriating their culture on Halloween.

Friend: Do you like my sweater? Me: If you have to ask, I don’t.

Urgent care doc said records show I go there at least once a year for cut fingers. I told him tis the season and shook my blood knuckle at him. Happy Halloween bitch.

You he only wants the ballroom to have a daddy daughter dance on our dime.

This Halloween I’m dressing up as a sexy bank and divesting war bonds.

Remember when you were seeing two girls and you really wanted one of them but she was playing games so you gave up and went with the other girl? Anyway, crazy ya’ll made it this far. Congrats on the engagement.

You ever follow a woman for three blocks because you’re trying to figure out what brand of boot she’s wearing and when you realize you’re never gonna figure it out you just google “unique brown boots” for the rest of your life.

If my coffee tastes like coffee, I will not drink it. If my men act like men, I will not drink them either.

The new state bird of Arkansas is a cicada. I’m adopting many as we speak.

My dog needed last minute surgery on her booty and due to a complication will need another tomorrow. I want to start the rumor that I convinced a vet to give my dog a BBL. Tell your friends.

I let my dog bark and lunge at e-bikes on the sidewalk.

Sober curious? Yeah I don’t think so. I’m lazy, not gym curious. #sober

TD Bank wants to crash my pride? No sweat babe, I’m dropping by the bank whenever I feel like it to blast rainbow confetti and throw ass during all the straight months.

A white guy called a black woman a pussy for saying something racist. Just waiting for someone trans to call them both the r word to collect all the rings of the Oppression Olympics.

Stranger danger used to be a creepy guy in a candy truck and now it’s ICE.

I go to work and let my dog watch me from a live cam so she sees how good girls don’t bite people at the office even when we want to.

Me to a bald man: “Is the basement hardwood floors as well?”

Can we find a new hobby for all the models doing standup comedy? Standup is for misfits not folks who could get hired for Calvin Klein underwear ads.

The worst dog owner you know has two little shit sticks on the end of a flexi leash.

I support the Clark-Reese rivalry because my name is Caitlin Reese and according to the Google alerts set for my name it’s the closest I’ll ever get to being mistaken for black.

ChatGPT therapy will only be legitimate when only your rich friends can afford the good ones.

Ordered an umbrella to my office. Delivery guy made me find him in the rain. He was using it so to everyone around us it looked like I demanded a man give me his umbrella.

Palace in the sky sounds like an airborne brothel.

Must be nice to have the healthcare to battle double pneumonia. I’d lose at single pneumonia for sure.

If you’re rooting for outie Mark, you’re monogamous. Innie Mark, you’re poly.

Maybe we could solve homelessness in nyc if Sleep No More hired them as they are, immersive artists.

If I get bird flu, I am checking into Trump Gaza pronto.

New lockdown drill needed for this.

When I say what’s up man? to dudes the only thing up is we ain’t fucking.

Happy bankruptcy day to the polyamorous community!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If you’re not white, the government hates you.

they should make the losing team woke

Samuel Jackson ready for his shift at liberty tax.

Paying for my groceries on merit.

I auditioned for Netflix is a joke the first year it came out and put my dog down the night before my audition. The only thing I booked that year was apologies. That’s my credit now, “Netflix is sorry.”

When your face is a sand mandala

Gonna see the corpse flower at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden tonight and leave my Medicaid card with it.

Me: Every day with you* is a gift. *Egg

Preteen State of Mind

I saw a self-driving car in Austin. You'll never see that in NYC because you can't detect a crackhead in the road. The crackheads can't detect themselves.

I don’t love a short king when I’m behind him on a broken escalator. Baby’s first steps all over again.

$1k for someone to make a realistic doll version of me as a stand-in for the holidays.