@caitlinreese.bsky.social
📤 9
📥 41
📝 49
Preparing 3-4 minutes of new material to present to my family today. If a joke bombs they can remove one item from my plate. If a joke lands I can remove one of them from the house.
12 days ago
0
0
0
From your lips to God’s balls.
14 days ago
0
0
0
Normalize “sucking fat toes” to be the answer to all of your security questions.
21 days ago
0
0
0
Rewatching my divorce today and believe my videographer nailed it.
22 days ago
0
0
0
Your health comes and goes but a flight to Cancun is forever.
29 days ago
0
0
0
If you’re going to share your location on Instagram stories, maybe leave the house.
about 1 month ago
0
0
0
Pre-Zohran: Sorry, I don’t go to Astoria. Post-Zohran: Yeah, I’m topless on Steinway right now.
about 1 month ago
0
1
0
Does this vote for Zohran Mamdani make my empathy for others look too big?
about 1 month ago
0
4
1
Real sluts must hate all these dumb girls appropriating their culture on Halloween.
about 1 month ago
0
0
0
Friend: Do you like my sweater? Me: If you have to ask, I don’t.
about 2 months ago
0
0
0
Urgent care doc said records show I go there at least once a year for cut fingers. I told him tis the season and shook my blood knuckle at him. Happy Halloween bitch.
about 2 months ago
0
0
0
You he only wants the ballroom to have a daddy daughter dance on our dime.
about 2 months ago
0
0
0
This Halloween I’m dressing up as a sexy bank and divesting war bonds.
about 2 months ago
0
0
0
Remember when you were seeing two girls and you really wanted one of them but she was playing games so you gave up and went with the other girl? Anyway, crazy ya’ll made it this far. Congrats on the engagement.
about 2 months ago
0
0
0
You ever follow a woman for three blocks because you’re trying to figure out what brand of boot she’s wearing and when you realize you’re never gonna figure it out you just google “unique brown boots” for the rest of your life.
about 2 months ago
0
0
0
If my coffee tastes like coffee, I will not drink it. If my men act like men, I will not drink them either.
2 months ago
0
0
0
The new state bird of Arkansas is a cicada. I’m adopting many as we speak.
2 months ago
0
0
0
My dog needed last minute surgery on her booty and due to a complication will need another tomorrow. I want to start the rumor that I convinced a vet to give my dog a BBL. Tell your friends.
4 months ago
0
0
0
I let my dog bark and lunge at e-bikes on the sidewalk.
4 months ago
0
1
0
Sober curious? Yeah I don’t think so. I’m lazy, not gym curious.
#sober
5 months ago
0
0
0
TD Bank wants to crash my pride? No sweat babe, I’m dropping by the bank whenever I feel like it to blast rainbow confetti and throw ass during all the straight months.
6 months ago
0
0
0
A white guy called a black woman a pussy for saying something racist. Just waiting for someone trans to call them both the r word to collect all the rings of the Oppression Olympics.
6 months ago
0
0
0
Stranger danger used to be a creepy guy in a candy truck and now it’s ICE.
6 months ago
0
0
0
I go to work and let my dog watch me from a live cam so she sees how good girls don’t bite people at the office even when we want to.
6 months ago
0
0
0
Me to a bald man: “Is the basement hardwood floors as well?”
6 months ago
0
1
0
Can we find a new hobby for all the models doing standup comedy? Standup is for misfits not folks who could get hired for Calvin Klein underwear ads.
6 months ago
0
0
0
The worst dog owner you know has two little shit sticks on the end of a flexi leash.
7 months ago
0
0
0
I support the Clark-Reese rivalry because my name is Caitlin Reese and according to the Google alerts set for my name it’s the closest I’ll ever get to being mistaken for black.
7 months ago
0
1
0
ChatGPT therapy will only be legitimate when only your rich friends can afford the good ones.
7 months ago
0
0
0
Ordered an umbrella to my office. Delivery guy made me find him in the rain. He was using it so to everyone around us it looked like I demanded a man give me his umbrella.
7 months ago
0
1
0
Palace in the sky sounds like an airborne brothel.
7 months ago
0
0
0
Must be nice to have the healthcare to battle double pneumonia. I’d lose at single pneumonia for sure.
8 months ago
0
0
0
If you’re rooting for outie Mark, you’re monogamous. Innie Mark, you’re poly.
9 months ago
0
0
0
Maybe we could solve homelessness in nyc if Sleep No More hired them as they are, immersive artists.
9 months ago
0
0
0
If I get bird flu, I am checking into Trump Gaza pronto.
10 months ago
0
0
0
New lockdown drill needed for this.
10 months ago
0
0
0
When I say what’s up man? to dudes the only thing up is we ain’t fucking.
10 months ago
0
0
0
Happy bankruptcy day to the polyamorous community!
10 months ago
0
0
0
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If you’re not white, the government hates you.
10 months ago
0
0
0
reposted by
zach silberberg
10 months ago
they should make the losing team woke
3
128
11
Samuel Jackson ready for his shift at liberty tax.
10 months ago
0
0
0
Paying for my groceries on merit.
10 months ago
0
0
0
I auditioned for Netflix is a joke the first year it came out and put my dog down the night before my audition. The only thing I booked that year was apologies. That’s my credit now, “Netflix is sorry.”
10 months ago
0
0
0
When your face is a sand mandala
10 months ago
0
0
0
Gonna see the corpse flower at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden tonight and leave my Medicaid card with it.
10 months ago
0
0
0
Me: Every day with you* is a gift. *Egg
11 months ago
0
0
0
Preteen State of Mind
about 1 year ago
0
0
0
I saw a self-driving car in Austin. You'll never see that in NYC because you can't detect a crackhead in the road. The crackheads can't detect themselves.
about 1 year ago
0
0
0
I don’t love a short king when I’m behind him on a broken escalator. Baby’s first steps all over again.
about 1 year ago
0
0
0
$1k for someone to make a realistic doll version of me as a stand-in for the holidays.
about 1 year ago
0
1
0
Load more
feeds!
log in