The best thing that ever happened while I drove Uber was when a guy got in to tell me he was a comedian on his way to a big show, which was just the open mic I ran. He went last.

You may think $150k is a lot for a penis but keep in mind it’s gonna have low interest.

Sure comedy is tribal and people hate each other on any side of any opinion, but it’s important to remember that no matter how long or where you have been doing comedy, one thing unites us all. We all have a Spirit Airlines bit that kills but we’re embarrassed about

Lookin for a Beacon miracle tonight. Can anyone hook me up?

My idea of “fuck you money” is like $500

I’m too fucked up to know if this is how I say it

I fuckin LOVE Incubus, dude

The Riyadh Comedy Festival will have been worth it when the crown prince reveals that he is actually The Elephant Graveyard

Was walking down 14th street and I saw a guy with a Phish shirt. I held up my hand for a high five as we walked by eachother and I said “thank you, Mr. Miner,” to which he gave me a confused look and replied, “wrong guy, my name is John”

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but instead of boycotting Disney, shouldn’t our elected leaders fucking do literally anything?

I don't mean to brag, but I used to hang with some real garbage people.

ATLANTA TONIGHT AT ONWARD THEATRE 8PM $10 I AM JIMMY KIMMEL

This is so hyper specific but every time I listen to the Okonokos version of Lay Low, when he says “pass out on the bedroom floor,” what I hear is, “gettin’ high on the doo doo boat.” Been thinking this for like 15 years. It’s 2:33am.

Do your mental health a favor and turn this on for today. You really don't want to watch this. It is awful.

the number of times in modern history when violence has become an increasingly normal part of politics and it's been a good thing that folks are happy about looking back on it, they're very limited

For about 3 months every year, I’m a full time comedian. For the other 9, I am a janitor with a dream that pays sometimes.

Ugh, a bird just came on me. Only in New York!

Took myself out on a date to an Italian restaurant that was empty. As soon as I sat at the bar and ordered a phony negroni, the bartender put on the “This is Elliott Smith” playlist. Best meal I’ve ever had.

Me, having never auditioned or submitted for SNL: “I wonder if they’re gonna call”

Make no mistake, I absolutely want to take away your guns

Sex with me is like pizza. I usually come in a box.

I am 33 years old and I have never had more than $2,500 in my bank account

Here are 5 albums I’m listening to this week, send me yours. 1. Bear Vs. Shark - Terrorhawk 2. Dijon - Baby 3. Elvis - Speedway 4. The Band - The Last Waltz 5. Coheed and Cambria - The Second Stage Turbine Blade

Oh hey! Relationshit, my storytelling and onstage therapy show with real therapists is happening this Saturday the 23rd at 5pm at QED in Astoria! Featuring: David Lawson @mattstorrs.bsky.social @maxfine.bsky.social Wilson McDermut AND MORE?! qedastoria.com/products/rel...

Hello ladies- it would seem that they’re filming The Devil Wears Prada 2 on my block this week if anyone wants to have sex with me

Y’all called me crazy when I voted for Cynthia Nixon in the 2018 race for governor. You laughed at me. But if you all got your shit together we could have avoided And Just Like That AND Andrew Cuomo.

I believe there was only one Cosmo ordered in the entire run of AJLT

Sickening. Every journalist in America should think deeply about the fact that most American politicians are willing to accept and indeed facilitate the murder of our colleagues.

I miss him

Kieran Culkin probably thinks I’m so cool for not acknowledging him at the bodega

After two years, I redownloaded the dating apps. On my third swipe, I saw my ex-girlfriend. I’ll give this a shot again in 2027.

Doctor said I have high falutin

wtf is the point of a sleeping cap?

8 years ago, I did a show somewhere in rural Georgia and very quickly blacked out due to my raging alcoholism. I don’t remember much, but I do remember coming to in this bar, where I was the only person under 50. I did not have sex and had to take a very expensive car to Atlanta

Hey team, serious question here. How do I tell a girl I like her without buying her a house?

One single ‘u’ could alter the phrase “come to daddy/mommy” forever

This is the realest me

I am absolutely going to lose a weekend at a comedy club to the Coldplay CEO

We haven’t even considered the repercussions for The Tonight Dough

Uncle Kracker Barrel

I don’t have a lot of fans, but the ones that I do have are all sweaty 15 year old boys that live in flyover states

A lot of comics suck dick, but a lot are also bad at comedy.

I’d pay a lot of money to forget what cashews look like in the wild

If Dunkin’ Donuts can run specials for both the Red Sox and the Yankees, republicans should be able to not take away my Medicaid

I may be bad at comedy, but I am amazing at finding different apps that will let me split a big purchase into smaller ones with insane interest rates, leaving me in clinical debt.

It’ll be so funny when Trump sieges New York City and all the tanks get a bill for congestion pricing

4 day work week and everyone gets an Adderall prescription. Boom.

If I don’t see Phish tonight, I am going to make it everybody’s problem

This probably won't surprise you, but I am not the only person in this terminal taking a $30 Spirit flight to Columbus to see Phish