The face of a brave warrior (pampered cat) recovering from battle (trip to the vet) after being repeatedly stabbed in the butt by his foes (given booster shots from smitten vet techs who called him a handsome boy and gave him treats)

we are all so emotionally fried that Dolly Parton had to get on the internet and tell us that it is all gonna be okay

When it happens, you're probably not even going to learn about it directly before you feel it in the air. You'll just hear car horns and cheering in the streets. You'll feel confused, annoyed. You'll check your phone. Huh, 41 new texts.

I don’t know what list I got on, but those fake book club scams have started popping up in my inbox like whack-a-mole.

If only there was somewhere he could sit to watch the birds…

there's been too much fighting on here - let's rerun Trump Is Secretly Dead this weekend, that was fun last time

🫡

Went to Half Price Books and spent too much money on polar exploration books, then went to Home Depot and spent too much money on plants. A most excellent day.

Authors, look up your name and file your claim for settlement money here. I have no means to answer questions except for this one: Q: "But didn't I do this last month?" A: "DO THIS ONE NOW." secure.anthropiccopyrightsettlement.com

"too"

Hooked another friend on Taskmaster!

(solemnly) You've had mail.

needed a laugh today

Just found out my neighbor‘s elderly husband died. She told me while I was outside setting up my big Halloween display of skeletons and tombstones. I literally had a fake skull in my hand.

What wonderful news and I can’t envision a more perfect passing of the torch.

Oh this is the first time I've seen a timeline. The notification window is not terribly long, which means the more we can blast this information out the better. I will be screaming about it A LOT once the submission link is live!

not true

I mean, I’m not gonna, really, I’m not, but it seems that dinosaurs are a lot more reasonably priced than I’d assumed.

Is it spooky season yet?

I wish I'd been an author in the 80s or 90s instead of this. I want to live in seclusion with a little garden and only come out to deliver a book to my publisher once a year. At most. And then they give me heaps of money and I never have to do any of my own marketing. Can we bring this back.

The thing that people forget to remember about the Baberaham Lincoln statue is its sculptor.

I get that the news cycle is packed right now, but I just heard from a colleague at the Smithsonian that this is fully a GIANT SQUID BEING EATEN BY A SPERM WHALE and it’s possibly the first ever confirmed video according to a friend at NOAA 10 YEAR OLD ME IS LOSING HER MIND (a thread 🧵)

APRIL - 1805 NAPOLEON IS MASTER OF EUROPE ONLY THE BRITISH FLEET STANDS BEFORE HIM THERE IS NOTHING IN NAVAL LAW STATING THAT A GOLDEN RETRIEVER CANNOT SERVE HIS MAJESTY AS CAPTAIN OCEANS ARE NOW BATTLEFIELDS

I keep inadvertently making today more southern. First I moaned about the heat, then I nearly stepped on a copperhead, and just now I remembered I have a key lime pie in the fridge. I may just start relying on the kindness of strangers next.

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

Fun fact: copperheads shake their tails to imitate rattlesnakes, but lacking rattles, you don’t actually hear them until you almost step on them. Guess how I know. 🙃

Happy fall equinox from Georgia, land of eternal summer forever. It’s gonna hit 90° on Wednesday.

i don't really understand this, but gosh I love it so much. so many of my friends love wrestling, and you bet I'm about to be asking some questions.

The sweetest boy in the world five seconds before he leapt up and fled like I was hot garbage because his automatic feeder deposited six more kibbles into an already mostly full bowl

her name couldn’t really be WILL OBEY

jokes about the confederacy are always funny, but you gotta think about it in terms of "Supernatural lasted 5x longer than the Confederacy", which is absolutely hysterical

Listen, I love love love love love documentaries, but the last two recommended to me have all become “but what if the real story was about me, the documentary-maker, all along?” and last night I watched “the amazing Johnathan” so now it’s 3. I’m just gonna watch taskmaster reruns for awhile.

Had the wildest dream that I was helping school teachers save children during a historical flood in Oregon. Can anyone who knows anything about the history of Oregon or natural disasters tell me if it was just synapses firing or if the NyQuil I’m on for this cold blasted me into a past life?

Sure, I’m free all awtumn. Can we meet in the villiage sometime tommorrow?

So it begins.

There’s a nuthatch harassing my cat from the tree over the catio and the cat is chittering back at him like two New Yorkers arguing over a parking spot.

One of these rich dudes invested in a food company with all proceeds going to kids in need. The other started Sundance Institute, boosting the lives of countless artists. Hey modern rich dudes, don't be a typical greedy AI crypto-prick, be like these two.

timeline cleanse: franky watches the garbage truck pick up the trash this morning

when your death steals the news cycle from a nazi punk

This is more perverse than “The Menu”. www.travelandleisure.com/the-alchemis...

Fish flops. In your choice of bass, trout, or crappy [sic].

All I saw was cheesecake boat and ocean for at least 5 minutes

For anyone who needs respite from the news, I highly recommend Taskmaster, an extremely silly long-running UK show in which five comedians compete at absurd tasks. Low-stress, high-pleasure, lots of laughs, utterly disconnected from reality. As your doctor, I hereby prescribe one episode minimum.

Gil always knew the reckless, flirtatious Jarrett would get himself into trouble one day. But he never expected to be the only one who could save him. books2read.com/GentsGent The Gentleman’s Gentleman by Samantha SoRelle

The absurdity of "you sling words for a living, therefore you must become a video influencer" is becoming more and more salient

Some people have trouble interpreting abstract art. For example, many men can't see Mary's head in the design of this statue.

Spicy steamy historical romance … with just a touch of murder! “His Lordship’s Secret” books2read.com/rl/HLSecret #mmromance

AUTHORS: Big News about the Anthropic settlement. The judge has rejected the initial proposal. Among other demands, they want plaintiffs to supply the complete works list and class list (so basically the books, etc AND copyright holders) entitled to compensation from the settlement by September 15.

Authors are not meant to be influencers. Please stop making us do that dance. If I were good or confident in the slightest on camera then please believe me that I would be on an extremely different career path.

Life imitates art.