Me when they want my number instead of my Instagram:

My husband said the Runway video and song feel like a Macy's ad and honestly

Titurday

Who knew cleaning out a spice cabinet could feel so electric, I am unstoppable

I'm at Denny's at 2:20am and wtf are these log sized mozzarella sticks

Back meat's back all right

We come to these back rows for magic! Me and Nicole Kidman setting a PR with 462 x 8

Writing my congressman demanding a new season of Mrs. Hatt

Goodnight

Formerly obese men who get jacked often become the greatest upholders of toxic body culture part 9927473729

An elder gay told me about a Fire Island party where they gave out 3 colors of tickets which gave access to different parts of the house (front yard, inside, pool). He was given a front lawn ticket and realized the tickets were given out by hotness. He wasn't deemed hot enough to enter the house

Arm day at last

Not achieving very much or being very intense in this workout, I'm letting the gods down

Hot guy next to me on the plane was straight, this is an attack against me personally

Lwaxana Troi talking shit about her daughter's coworkers:

The Hudson News cashier's name was Kunti I repeat the Hudson News cashier's name was Kunti

5th flight in three days lfg

Slaayyyyy

He's right, I showed way too much face skin here

Finally escaped Tallahassee

I know changing names is gauche and confusing but I got worried people actually thought I was a parasocial Sandra Hüller fan so I'm returning to the Dr. Twink Ketamine Woman brand

Yes I did just spend all my miles upgrading to Comfort+

For those keeping score at home this is was my Mon-Wed looks like this week: LA > Dallas > Tallahassee > Thomasville Georgia > Tallahassee (currently location, delayed) > Atlanta > Phoenix > LA

How 38-year-old NY & LA gays feel when they wear comically oversized designer pants

It's time to play every gay's favorite game "Did the hot trainer follow me on Instagram bc he thinks I'm cute or because he wants to sell me a program" (it's always the latter)

Once again I'm in Tallahassee

Same tbh

They told me it couldn't be done, they said it was mathematically impossible, but I just broke all known laws of physics and had a spinach salad for dinner

I'm in Tallahassee

I must've committed unspeakable horrors in a past life because THREE times in recent memory the literal last person to board the plane has sat in the empty middle seat next to me. Like what medieval witch cursed my bloodline and why was she so powerful

The second the plane lands

Got up at 5am today, the shock of which will take weeks of proper oversleeping to recover from, meanwhile my husband sprang from the bed at 430am and went straight to the kitchen to write jokes for a show he's doing in October

Shout out to the 90 yo lady at the park today who, when I told her I hurt my knee skiing at Mammoth, was like "On Scotty's or Hangman's Hollow? Or Dragon's Back?" Turns out she skiied until she was 82 and quit not cause she couldn't do it but bc she got tired of her hauling equipment everywhere

I make everyone refer to it as my Charlotte Russy

Today is a sad day, I had to throw out my bath mat from the Jessica Simpson collection

Thank you everyone for helping me hit 5 (Mary) K(ay Place) followers, you make this egregiously foreheaded XXL autistic himbo feel welcome

Before heading out

Wearing my new gen triple z outfit to the club tonight watch out boys grandma got herself a deep plane

Miley was right, it's the CLIMB Cock Legs Inner ring Mpox vaccine Buddies who are also available

Biannual cleaning out of my underwear drawer, making a new row for thongs

Goodnight

Update: You all suck at praying, I got a pregnant woman (she was amazing)

Need a prayer circle. Headed to physical therapy and need all the prayers I can get that my physical therapist will be a hot flirty himbo

What stores do you think Barbra Streisand has in her basement mall? Charlotte Russe? Zumiez?

I don't know who needs to hear this but Shawn Colvin is 70

None of you bitches told me Charles Melton does glute bridges in Beef season 2, like now what am I supposed to do about this unplanned pregnancy

Chest

Once again getting dragged in the chat for being the only friend with an android

Bryan Noem: