There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

If you ever come upon an ancient tome and the only words on the cover you can decipher are variations of "evil" and "beware," open that bad boy up to any page and start reading whatever text you find aloud. What's the worst that can happen?

The year is 2025. The rarest skill in the world is acting normal for like 15 minutes. For me of course it's effortless

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works and let me know if you have any questions! 🤗

The funny thing about the invention of the wheel is the guy who invented it died penniless. It wasn't until much much later that pennies were invented

saw a lady walking in to target, tears on her face, a giant plastic skeleton in each arm. there’s a story there

Ultimately, each one of us must decide for ourselves what is too fast or too furious

Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else

centrists will tell you to your face that we all need to abandon identity issues, and focus on kitchen table issues instead and yet when a leftist candidate runs a generational campaign based on kitchen table issues, it's the centrists weaponizing identity politics to smear the leftist.

The competition for dumbest comment ever is fierce tonight.

Somewhere along the line, somebody conflated competence with elitism and we’re paying a terrible price for it.

I truly can’t imagine the person I would be, the art I would’ve made, the choices I might’ve made, the wide-open vistas that might exist in my brain if the constant anxious horror of the last 10 years in America wasn’t just 24/7 squatting its horrible carcass on every cell of it.

The thing that makes Star Trek utopian isn’t the end of scarcity or the harmony between all peoples it’s also that the guy on the ship who gets laid the most plays the trombone at work and periodically does community theater

those White House demolition photos look real rough

It was the what of times. It was the the fuck of times.

Terribly sad news about one of the greats. Diane Keaton has died at 79. people.com/diane-keaton...

Hey man I get what you're saying but what if you were saying something different

Oh dang. This is an excellent analogy.

Evergreen post

Maybe we’re in such a hellhole because the angry young men (and women) are starting podcasts instead of bands.

I like it when Paul Thomas Anderson is very clear about the content of his films. Q: Can I expect to see any blood in this picture? A: THERE WILL BE BLOOD Q: Does your new film feature any battles? And if so, to what frequency? A: ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER

🐿️

“In the new century, I think we will all be insane.” -Tony Kushner, ANGELS IN AMERICA: MILLENIUM APPROACHES

The world will be mine

I need to know the exact hypnosis technique Isaac Chotiner employs the moment after he says, "So how would you feel about jumping on the phone with me for an interview?"

Feel your fuckings.

Judge: And how do you plead? Me: The seven sisters constellation your honor Judge: Pleiades? Me: Plea uh deez n- My lawyer: OBJECTION

Please stop casting evil spells on me. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

The key to writing a great screenplay is to imagine a great movie and then write it down, in screenplay form

My therapist said it isn’t depression, it’s ennui, which is just depression wearing a beret.

What Robert Redford contributed to American films via Sundance is genuinely immeasurable. He was also an extraordinarily talented director--Ordinary People and Quiz Show are two of the best American studio movies of their eras--and an actor who somehow wore his incredible charisma almost shyly. RIP.

RIP Robert Redford

Breaking news: Robert Redford, the big-screen idol turned Oscar-winning director, independent film advocate and environmental activist, died at 89.

RIP to a real one youtu.be/Qeemjaosp-E?...

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same skeleton costume

Evening shot of Mt. Hood. May 9. 🤍🩵☁️

It’s like my mom always said: Uncle Keith is your real father

I tilted my puppet's head back so it looks like he's laughing at my jokes. My wife and I are separated

This guy just stole my hamburger. So forgive me if I doubt that crime is down

[into walkie talkie] Your Mom & I are getting a divorce

Sorry for not texting you back I was obsessing about tragedies I’m powerless to change

Cat break!

IDK who needs to know this but... You can sing the Sesame Street song "Rubber Ducky" but change the first line to "Motherfucker, burn in hell" and it works PERFECTLY

Asked the cashier at McDonald’s why the flag was at half mast and she said “Grimace died” and then she started crying

I appreciate your constructive criticism

Cats are and always have been cyberpunks