underwire feels like armour, titty breastplate, protected and perky on the battlefield of life

a murderer goes to murder me but with each stab i strategically move my body so that he hits several acupuncture points, making me feel amazing

what does it mean when your sternum starts cracking every day

Probably the worst part of being a mouse is having to act happy about sleeping in a sardine can

being nonbinary at the old spaghetti factory

please. if you are able—do not vocalize in the public bathroom

shazam but for smell

almost time to watch Carry On again

I NEED TO LOOK GAYER

in a world devoid of inherent meaning all I know is that I live to be weird in the work gc

when gmail is like “do you wanna unsubscribe from these guys? you haven’t opened one of their emails in a while…” I understand why dudes boink their secretaries

I love and understand people except people who moan in the public washroom

living alone is eating nuts in bed, totally reclined, thinking “if I fuck this up the whole thing ends right here”

starting the day with a vaginal swab done by a male doctor I could physically dominate

developing a parasocial relationship with the hand cream brand Working Hands. developing a dependence. developing a romantic and sexual relationship with Working Hands

i want my friends to remember me fondly. and my enemies to remember me as The Creature

I’ve been watching our kelp forests decline across my lifetime and it makes me very sad because kelp is cool as hell and supports a lot of marine life so I made a quilt about it.

I need a PT job so I have permission from mommy (me) to get more tattoos and pamper my old car

Anyone that uses AI in any capacity cannot say SHIT to me about astrology

tfw you slam two taco bell cheesy beef gordita crunches and then sob to Hilary Duff’s So Yesterday. all while behind the wheel

praying that they don’t check my ankle holster after confiscating both my hip and shoulder holstered chapsticks

Chopped but with the contents of my fridge. oat milk, cabbage, moldy hummus, Solensia

I used to be ambitious enough to want to go to Oxford. today I squint directly into the sun, forgetting my sunglasses sit atop my echoing skull

me and the boys are succumbing to evil tonight

i heard they are bringing back smoking next

and also with you

I put a sour patch kid in the sea monkey tank and they are going crazy. Huge event for them

Friend: don’t get any ideas Me, who never has any ideas: hey fuck you

Another day spent weeding in the garden: anything to satiate my primal lust for carnage. My heavy hands bleed sap drops to the carpet — the silent screams of dandelions still echo in my head.

digging a grave in my backyard so I can lay in it for fifteen minutes before replying to emails from my boss

Sweet dreams to all the Creatures in my phone

I bet a plane crashing into a house feels so good for the house

vampire sticking a key into my thigh to shotgun me

if I find myself at my wit’s end….. . .. how do I make wit longer

googling “how to do things you don’t want to do” and yelling “FUCK” at 7 min intervals

do you guys remember mohinder

admonished by a RAV4 in the McDonalds drive thru lineup this morning and didn’t care for it

my whole job as a landscaper tbh

逃げ上手の鳥君

trying to go home with a stranger from the bar so I can judge their tchotchkes

i would download the fuck out of a car

hello i’m here to socialize from the comfort of my bed

one thing 2025 doesn't have yet, but could benefit from, is a mysterious constant worldwide noise. the noise will start out very quiet and get louder incrementally

"CDs are an irrelevant technology." YES. Yes you're starting to get it. Look how stupid relevant technology is. You're so close to realizing that CDs are awesome

shopping for a mattress like: I’m looking for a firm queen…….. and I need a new bed, too

there is so much work to be done but tonight I am in the bath

I worship at the altar of whimsy and she blesses me with many things. dandelions under my wiper from ?. a skeletal dog barking like a crow caws, hopping with the effort. a circle of cheese from the palm of my friend

fermentation is when food rots so hard that it becomes food again kinda like how i got so stupid that im sorta smart now