drunk on a thursday night listening to music. dm me songs you think i'd like, or just if you'd like to chat

I am so glad to finally have gotten to 1 trillion followers

pulling up to the public library and reading a bunch of books i brought from home

At 30 years old ive gotten to the age where everyone i knew in high school has started messaging me being like "i had a dream about you recently and wanted to reach out to catch up. In the dream you wore a silver robe, and held in your hand a golden apple. your mouth did not move when you spoke."

please dont defeat me

one time i was laying on my couch with a girl and she looked up at me and said, smiling, "i can see straight up your nostrils and into your brain right now" and i not only believed her but got embarassed like if my pants fell down or something

just remembered that i am unemployed

Every day i wake up and google sasquatch news

When I was a teenager, Jane Goodall's Through a Window began a deep fascination in me with primates and anthropology that has shaped the person I am in countless ways. She was a brilliant person. Rest in peace

im crazy about you :) most aspects of you

to a room full of only women: ladies and more of you,

*walks up to you in beautiful 4k hd* hello

I think im completely fucked

*cuts you in twain with a single stroke of my blade* oh sorry didnt see you there

blushing, covering my face in embarassment, and turning completely evil beyond salvation

sorry i liked and then accidentally unliked your post and had to relike it afterwards. I will divest my organs from my flesh now in apology

Im not remotely evil

This isn't really about anyone in general, but from the perspective of someone who lost someone at an early age and is now much older and closer to their death, thinking back

Shaggy dog

boxing tips

leveling the playing field

chicken dinner

nice comforts. Let me guess, they're creature?

eyepatch fetishist: look. In a perfect world, sure, it would be an eye for an eye. But we have to be realistic here

yesss

I am so funny. *lowering voice* do you think of me in quiet moments

cheerleader chant: what do we want? Other cheerleaders, except for one: to irreparably injure the one on top of the pyramid

Funeral dirge voice: she flop on my lowbie till i labubu

bringing you a single daisy: hey uh would you um want to do a whippet with me in the parking lot after you get off work. Ive got cheez whiz cannisters...

watched my brother play some silent hill f and it looks really great

wow nice job dunking on that stranger who disagreed with you on the internet! the tepid glowing ember that is your soul is finite. with each moment you let pass, your light shines dimmer in this universe. be careful with your time, for you cannot get it back. You really won that argument! Wow!

the exterminator tasked with dealing with the mouse infestation in the house from tom and jerry

dark souls boss name and healthbar appearing as i take out my penis "THE REPULSIVE TUBE"

she go ungh on my weiner till i splat. hacked

I am eating butter bread. Guaranteed to make me feel sick. But feels good in the moment

low confidence small teeth dracula: mwah ah ah. you will barely notice my presence

excuse me could i lightly jostle you, sexually

the original rube golberg machine was a sex toy and it worked because rube understood theres nothing like forty five falling dominoes that knock a bowling ball down a ramp to make you cum

my new podcast will be my own heartbeat, set to a mirthful tune

Trying to modernize im so hungry i could eat a horse: i would treat your mare like captain crunch

Posting on RateMyPenisdotgov "clarifying my political views after recent allegations"

please stop vanquishing me

is anyone asleep

*to the cute dog compilation you just sent me* thanks. I chuckled satanically to this 😀

*Minority report universe where the government creates a technology that tells them when youre about to blink* FBI: about to blink, huh? 😏 ME: uh. yeah. obviously. im always- *fourteen paramilitary soldiers armed with hotsauce eyedrops burst through my door*

would you still cyberbully me if i was a worm