thats embarassing dude. your shit went kerplump

she jerk on my turkey...until i start to smirky 😏

sometimes i say a turn of phrase and dont even know if its really a turn of phrase. i dont google it i just say it. Like just now i told someone i hope someone 'sees this and takes heart.' I dont know if i read that somewhere or if i just made that up

took a break from posting for a while and when i came back i entered a flow state they call that post not clarity

sadly: youre only fuckin w me 4 my slop

thanksgiving officially ruined. turkey my aunt made came back to life and tried to drown itself in the toilet

*the inventor of the marble lost the prototype and has been looking for it for hours* where the hell did i put it. I feel like im going crazy

I am so full and getting sleepy. Happy thanksgiving to everyone. I am thankful for all my wonderful mutuals on here and in a wider sense all the wonderful people who fill my life. In the end people are what gives warmth and life to the world, to me

merry christmas everyone

when i was a kid me and my brothers accidentally brought a snowman to life via an item imbued with christmas magic. when my parents found out they flipped their shit. my dad strangled it to death with a scarf. Evidence melted. Because of this, the holidays have always been a sad time for me...

holy shit everything good just happened to me. But. Ah. Says here everything bad happened to you just now...

going to a friend's page on here and just spam liking every tweet to show my appreciation

new episode of pluribus was straight ass

guy who built a time machine and baby hitler beat the absolute shit out of him: personally, i think time travel is impossible

self conscious about his foot size neil armstrong: one really small and dainty step for man. barely even leaves a footprint lol

In a world where science has completely decoded magic and everything is understood: hes the chosen one. Hes awakened to an ancient but completely normal power

At an improv thing after my partner just threw the ball to me, tapping my foot with my arms crossed, in kind of an 'is that all?' tone: yes, and?

I'm sorry class, you'll have a substitute today. Dr. Jones unfortunately passed away last night after the Thuggee High Priest Mola Ram forced him to drink a potion that turned him evil in a mine full of kidnapped children. He leaves behind the most annoying woman you've ever met and a chinese child

im seeing a lot of noise on the tl about some sort of 'greatest post of all time'? Conflicting reports but my advice: get in on the ground floor on this one. This has been gosh's money moment

This pasta is not very la vista

she said do you love me i said only partly, partly said im sorry? 😳 i didnt catch that...

lovebomb elvis: you are so much more than a hound dog to me. Cryin all the time

Bro did you just hit the woah in front of nana? You know she has shingles right now right... ?

Lmao this baby really said goo goo ga ga. I think he meant it too 🤣

tiny elves carry the blood from the heart to all of the major organs. by working together, they help our bodies to function in tip top shape

theyre putting rabies in all the fast food soon

Getting a notification from snakeroot at 5 pm feels ominous. I feel like snakeroot should only be active late at night

thinking and saying the phrase pasta la vista more lately in hopes of a brighter and more whimsical future

good morning

hey anybody who wants to chat feel free to dm tonight. little bored and restless and could use some idle banter about whatever

its such a difficult angle because you have to move every facial feature up further than youd expect i think. This is a really cool little video

Should i sneeze

Low self confidence thanos in a small wavering voice: im evitable...

Eyeless George Washington standing beside my bed: At long last I have you. I will kill you now, and you are powerless to stop me. Any last words? Me, sleep paralyzed and drooling on my pillow: eugfhh... My elderly weiner dog laying several feet away: my owner is weird as fuck

The government to jimmy carter when he became president

trying hesitantly to play the paper flower game with the other kids during recess but i end up crying when it lands on "all your teeth fall out and die." later theres a presentation in the auditorium to tell everyone they have to stop putting that in there

shark mistaking a canoe for a seal and getting smacked hard in the nose with an oar when they try to go in for a bite. school of prey fish swimming by awkwardly trying to pretend they didnt see

are you drinking water? wtf...stop

mean girl trying to bully someone but shes just started adderall and the dose is too much: i just think its so brave how you dont care about how even your eyelash amount is on each side

*i have a couple reservations about something* well two or three bones about it i guess

karl marx did not predict these feelings between us

sipping a fruity drink from an insanely long bendy straw that shows my lazy nature, decadence and excess: ah i love the status quo. i will never get my comeuppance

*gripping the basketball with terror* is there a rule saying if a pure evil dog can play

*couple living in the apartment below the 99 monkeys jumping on the bed* no im sorry honey but this is too much. Im making a noise complaint. this is ridiculous

designing a pillow where its like how the purple pillow is optimized for dropping an egg on it without it breaking or whatever. but this one is optimized for being able to smother old people you dont love anymore. ofc the ads dance around it. 'a rest so good it could go forever'

Crazy frog sex hotline

hmm

designing a pillow where its like how the purple pillow is optimized for dropping an egg on it without it breaking or whatever. but this one is optimized for being able to smother old people you dont love anymore. ofc the ads dance around it. 'a rest so good it could go forever'

Ha ha. Missed me, missed me, now Something Crazy Will Happen To You

I took two pepto bismol ama