God I miss sane Presidents

Brits call people “gormless,” but nobody ever gets called “gormful.”

Pitching MURDER AS, a New Zealand mystery featuring an American detective who spends a third of each episode mocking the locals’ accents

ah, well

You post for fun.Then for attention.Then for validation.Then one day you realize: the app isn’t free.The rent is your sanity.

Getting old means a lot of dinners with friends where you talk about your relationship with your CPAP machine

My mom started hanging old CDs in the garden so that if a bird comes over to peck at a tomato it will quickly become distracted by its desire to learn QuickBooks

Literal tanks have better visibility than those trucks.

Me: And you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? H: I do Me: to confirm, please say the six digit code that was texted to your phone

Boom 💥 Baby 💥 Boom

Actually, in France male athletes wear jacquestraps to protect their oui ouis

The Newsreader is Australia’s Anchorman

Gen Xers have seen enough apocalypse movies to be unsurprised about everything that’s happening Of course Millennials and Gen Z have never not lived in a dystopia Boomers, though…

1995: the future is gonna be amaaaaazing 2025: your password must contain at least one racial slur

make a movie disappear: When Harry Houdini Met Sally *annnnnnd send 👻*

Your mistake is in seeing Pirro as a lawyer with drinking problems. She's a drunk with legal problems.

Marco Rubio - an empty suit’s empty suit.

The adoption documents a dog rescue makes you sign should be called preputial agreements

This administration is going to get us all killed before they have a chance to have us all killed.

Reassuring my dog that the idiots barking at him are the bad guys

Moving to New Zealand to become a plumber I can make people say “Rotorua Roto-Rooter”

If we can grow animal meat in a lab, er can grow human meat. This spring, on the Food Network: TO SERVE MAN

Anyone can have a flying car… once.

Chilling

Finally a kind of magic I can get behind

ME: *climbs mountain to find wizened monk* what is the meaning of life? MONK: It is updog, my son ME: What's updog? MONK: *tear of joy runs down their cheek*

Well played… 🐴 #bluesky #horse

If I was Jeff Bezos I would change my name to Amazon Prime

Americans are relearning the lesson we learned during the Gilded Age of the late 1890s, when robber barons ran the government and the economy for their own benefit: Oligarchy is incompatible with the common good. I'm hopeful we'll respond with a new progressive movement.

I can't stop laughing at this title. it's sounds like a porno!!!

the brain that can see a face in a wall outlet was always doomed to hear the voice of God in a markov chain

this is fucking great

So glad I’m getting the chance to live through all possible dystopias at once

A week after Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche met with Ghislaine Maxwell for nine hours, she was moved to a cushy minimum-security prison. An insider described it as "such obvious corruption. I have never seen this before." The Trump DOJ corrupt, fascist behavior is non-stop.

I am a tech expert in a film. I will try to fix code by clacking a keyboard like I'm playing Rachmaninov. All the text on the monitor will appear with little beep-boop noises, with extra noisy beep-boops for images. I will be defeated by a hacker who sends me an animated pop-up of a laughing skull.

Sophisticated enough to buy wine with foil capsules, redneck enough to use a lockback knife to cut them off

the next democratic nominee should run on chaotic left wing pastiche platform of blowing up mount rushmore, deporting everybody who has ever worked for ICE, free college for trans kids only, reparations for divorced housewives, free health care but not for white men, christians pay higher taxes etc

MAGAs think this is an Alpha male

Big tires

🎶 "Take me down to the Paradox City where the grass is green and also it isn't" 🎶

Overdosed on cashews and absolved myself of guilt in some ancient trauma, a kind of post-nut clarity

Badass. 😉

The Turing test assumes its human interlocutor is sane. I think many of generative AI’s adherents are not.

This is the funniest thing I’ve ever said

The Nazi hater in me was like “do what now?” but I checked and Krispy Kreme is 88 years old today

Michael Jackson was a Boomer