Suckle Me Elmo

'He's got a Jekyll and Hyde personality, but just the Hyde part.'

Wearing my Valentine's Day poppy.

I declare that, henceforth, this day shall be a national holiday known as 'Ding Dang Day". music.apple.com/gb/album/we-...

I declare that, henceforth, this day shall be a national holiday known as 'Ding Dang Day". music.apple.com/gb/album/we-...

Craig David.

Working on my Jesus fan-fiction.

My cat is a jealous and vengeful god.

The Antony Gormley sculptures are coming to life.

Putting water through a filter that needs a new cartridge, like my own personal cargo cult.

You can now buy ebooks of my back catalogue from bookshop.org! uk.bookshop.org/beta-search?...

Still got it.

You can now buy ebooks of my back catalogue from bookshop.org! uk.bookshop.org/beta-search?...

that's going to go viral

A dance craze called 'The Sneeze'.

The joy of being the only well person in a household of ill people.

Why no Autumn Olympics for conker and leaf-based sports?

The great drawback of modernist literature is that you have to be not knackered in order to make sense of it, while one of the main qualities of modernity is being perpetually knackered.

Ed Miliband, throbbing with pent-up chaos energy.

'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!' I scream at the dental hygienist.

'Chaos with Ed Miliband' should be the name of a powerful mindbending street drug.

I'd love to move in social circles bookish enough I could get ostracised for reading Infinite Jest.

If you read a book and think it's shit, always read it again just to make sure.

This is One Two Three Four by Craig Brown all over again.

Erotic Vagrancy is marred by Roger Lewes's need to remind you he's a Spectatory arse every few pages.

Oddly, this exists.

Erotic Vagrancy is marred by Roger Lewes's need to remind you he's a Spectatory arse every few pages.

Imagining a world where young men model themselves on Jake Thackray rather than Andrew Tate.

I highly recommend the Top Pop YouTube channel. Lots of top pop amazingness from Dutch TV. youtube.com/@toppop?si=Y...

Every member of Shabby Tiger looks incredible. youtu.be/6b9hdGL5I6s?...

This guy is Michael Lloyd, who was not only a member of the West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band, but also produced the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. There's a career for you.

Hair goals.

Horrible realisation that adults were only pretending to believe the lies I told as a kid.

The only good novels are ones where each character's height is given in feet and inches.

Went to the West End to see The Mousetrap. Not like the board game at all. Rubbish.

Not sure if I'm ill or just nauseated by humanity.

How did we end up in this situation with cats? What have they got on us?

Thinking about putting something that has the 'no tumble-drying' sign on the label in the tumble-dryer. #Nothingistrueeverythingispermitted

Can we please have a government where the person elected to drive the train is actually doing so? I'm sick of leadership by shrivelled homonculus squatting in a Downing Street cupboard.

Dentists should come door-to-door.

Thinking about that time in seminary school I put forward the proposition that you can petition the Lord with prayer. Oh boy, that did not go down well.

One day I'll be awake.

Andrew leaves royal home for other royal home, while a third royal home is prepared for him.

Pretty sure I had this. Remember nothing about it except the umbrella.

Jim Morrison came to me in a dream and told me my posts needed to be less Apollonian and more Dionysian.

Worst disco record title ever.

It would be prudent for Mandelson to name names now and before he finds himself in a prison cell.

i like to think about the friends of the guy who invented the tuba and how they reacted the first time he played it for them.

Everything feels shabby and soiled.

They can strip Mandelson of his title, but he'll still probably end up Director General of the BBC by teatime.