Traditional pre-Christmas hunt for all the things Tesco failed to deliver in the order.

Failed to end all war again this year. John and Yoko are fucked off at me.

'Tis the season of stressed, angry people wearing Santa hats.

Would anybody be at all interested in a Christmas album sung from the perspective of the Christmas Story animals, written by Jimmy Webb and sung by Art Garfunkel? youtube.com/playlist?lis...

They're putting special Christmas scaffolding up on the side of our building for some reason.

They'll love it. It'll be FINE.

They'll love it. It'll be FINE.

Playing chess with Paddington.

The barber was really enjoying my hair today.

He's a road ghost now, but a nice one.

You could do a history of British 20th Century culture through the lives of those buried/cremated at Putney Vale Cemetery. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Putney_...

All the old telly on BBC4 last night is on the iplayer. Is it on the BBC4 section of the iplayer, grouped together in any way that's convenient? God no!

People say Die Hard is a Christmas movie to get out of watching an actual Christmas movie.

Shortest day of the year really fucking dragged.

I contain multitudes. Ok, I contain two things.

Turns out life is a dress rehearsal and you can totally mess it up. Go nuts!

My Merry Christmas? Wombling.

Looking forward to the days becoming incrementally longer at a tedious pace.

Watching Bod, placing bets on the milkshake.

A novel so autistic, you get a little bit of autism stuck to your fingers just from holding it.

My Stevens? Even.

A novel so autistic, you get a little bit of autism stuck to your fingers just from holding it.

Instead of black squares, they should have blocked everyone's faces with photos of Woody Allen.

Crowdsourcing! I'm looking for examples of commercially available pop records that include paid product placements in their lyrics. So, *not* pop stars' Coca-Cola/St. Ides ads (great as they are!), or industrial musicals, or The Who Sell Out, but more like: www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4wB...

Guessing they ran out of black magic markers.

Getting spam in my inbox like it's 2002.

The problem with modern hymns is that some of them have decent tunes but sound awful when sung by a large group of people.

Scrooge was neurodivergent and it was actually everybody else who was the asshole.

You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I'm telling you why, Santa Claus despises weakness

Momentarily remembered the song being called Don't Thry Know It's Christmas?, which makes it found like they're telling Africa off.

Trying to get my daughter across the school zebra crossing in the pissing rain, while staff block the kerb to wish Merry Christmas to the people in cars. You know what's the most Christmassy thing of all? Not blocking a kerb in the pissing rain.

Christmas wishes do come true!

I'm currently 473,676 in the charts. Can we make me the Christmas no. 1?

'Midwinter' sounds so magical and mysterious but it's just this shit.

'The Scarecrow's trousers kept on falling down.' www.theargus.co.uk/news/2570635...

I'm currently 473,676 in the charts. Can we make me the Christmas no. 1?

Look what all these good people have to say about my novel My Life in Orbit. Dare you defy them?

Lost Feliz Navidadageddon.

All my parts of conversations are prerecorded and I'm miming.

All my parts of conversations are prerecorded and I'm miming.

Lost Feliz Navidadageddon.

Three months after turning fifty, I have inevitably fallen in the street like an old person.

Look what all these good people have to say about my novel My Life in Orbit. Dare you defy them?

A Christingle orange. Oh good.

Christmas is a full-time job (seasonal).

Bought a new measuring jug, and briefly considered reworking I Want a New Drug by Huey Lewis and the News so it was about it, then realised that would be a grotesque waste of my limited time on Earth.

(Queen listening to Thank God it's Not Christmas by Sparks): 'How can we make this less interesting?'

In a hundred years' time, the world's largest religion will be Muppet worship.

It would be easier to sell books if they came in suppository format.