A very big Onion announcement: The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece. It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd. Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

the first admin certainly had some of this, but this time around, it’s just this fucking whiny crybaby bitch shit from every member of the cabinet all goddamned day long. fucking loser ass presidency.

sperm whales are so cool man. wish they weren't named that

your mom has been edited for length and clarity

dogs vs. cats, cats vs. mice. Classic plots for kids' books

this post is dedicated to the brave mujahideen fighters of new england

tfw you are eating butter

CHOTINER: The album is titled "One Way Ticket to Hell and Back" THE DARKNESS: Yeah, it's also a track on the album. CHOTINER: And it's about a one way ticket... TD: ...to Hell and back, yes. CHOTINER: Isn't that a round-trip ticket, by definition? TD: Well, uh CHOTINER: there's a return trip.

my assessment of recent events and the current situation is that a lot of things have been happening, they seem to still be happening, and i expect they will continue to happen for some time

Sorry but parking "cops" are good, unarmed civil servants rightly ensuring access to public spaces remain accessible. I own a car and almost never get parking tickets because I park correctly and in consideration of other people who need curbspace.

I have no idea who shot at the ICE facility or why, & hard to trust this FBI director. Murder is always inexcusable. Now, the idea that people are mad at ICE because of ‘Democrats’ rhetoric’ & not because of daily videos of masked ICE agents assaulting people, including citizens, is for the birds.

Driver who racks up between $300 and $400 a month in speeding and parking tickets feels like he’s "being bullied.” www.ctvnews.ca/toronto/arti...

Me: not a fan of focaccia. Sometimes it's just too much bread, you know what I mean? A visibly upset duck: no I don't

"air conditioning: the breath of an angel" -Kelson R. Thomas

catch my somnolent ass sleeping 😴 😂🤣

America's Lysenkoist era

Reminder: not seven but seventy seven

okay there absolutely is too much liquid inside babies. But the babies make the liquid themselves. And the problem is that it doesn't stay inside the babies

at the risk of being a "this is just a distraction from the previous news cycle" guy, the tylenol thing is absolutely just a distraction from the Bondi tweet and the Homan bribery story

some blistered late season jalapeños for tonight's chili

who up smoking they paprika

Sometimes you go to a city and it’s like. Okay yeah, I guess that yogurt company had to have a headquarters somewhere

I swallowed some dice

Mondays amirite

the rich he hath sent empty away

what's the rapture meme, i'm old and out of the loop

A second speaker (Vance) calls marriage and family "the highest callings." Both speakers who said this were Catholic -- a denomination that I believe explicitly does not call marriage and family the highest calling.

"productive" children

[sitting in the passport renewal office with my friend] You idiot. Look at you just waiting there, you stupid fuck

practicing hair braids (please ignore the mess)

tornadoes imply the existence of tornadoesn't

Yeah man we should really fight back by staying on X

unhinged things i see on hinge /17 (i approve of this one)

Hey there Delilah I am writing the Quixote Adding hermeneutic weight to what Miguel wrought crude and floaty Vis-à-vis The work— attributed to me? Or only he?

this charlie kirk deification is some of the weirdest shit i have ever seen

As we head into Rosh Hashanah, a very important point of order from Canadian Senate Hansard (1984) :p

what is bro doing

i love this post on the very real website "threads" because, assuming a 1:1 gender ratio and a very conservative estimate of 1.5 billion black people worldwide, it implies the existence of 2,500 jimmies kimmel

As a Christian YIMBY it's so important to me that the Bible says Heaven is a city

It’s pretty funny that Eminem became a guy who would be really excited to vote for Mayor Pete. It’s like he received the exact opposite energy Kanye got. He’s probably at home in a comfy chair reading a John le Carre novel right now.

these accounts suck so bad

at da bog love da bog

6yo: "I have a friend named Jaylen and I just recently started being friends with her and I like being friends with her because she can tie my shoes for me."

It's very important for our democracy that many people in this regime go to prison during the coming era of truth, reconciliation, and accountability.

new york mfers be like "Excelsior!"

stop bringing your dogs in the grocery store!!!

kimmy jimmel tbh