Happy birthday to all the presidents except for that one

Some nerd talking about voting for Gavin Newsom or whoever in the presidential primary: what do you plan on doing in two years Me, a normal person who doesn't care for these hypotheticals because a lot can happen between now and then: your mom!

My mom is going to stay with my sister for a few more weeks to help out with the baby, but I'm heading back today to take care of things at home

My message to all the athletes competing in the Olympics is simply Bergo for the gold

Happy Valentine's Day to some guy's wife

My nephew has been playing this game where he controls a giant hamster and now he refers to the hamper in his room as the "laundry hamster." To be clear this is my 5 year old nephew and not his newborn brother

A lot of people have been telling me not to wander around an abandoned summer camp today on Friday the 13th because I might get "hacked to death by a machete wielding maniac in a hockey mask." RIP to those dumb teens but I'm built different

I feel like if you're a teen devoting your time and energy to asking why people don't respect law enforcement more you've got bigger problems in your young life than getting punched out

[extremely Ice T in an episode of Law & Order SVU where the ripped from the headlines plot involves a stand in for CBS News voice] you sit at a fake bar, have a drink and engage with the audience about current events. The kids call it Whiskey Fridays with Tony Dookiepill

no, it's not that common for people on this website to have friends

Many would say new baby has been the highlight of my week but there's a compelling case for the Portillo's nearby

Bluesky users are never beating the allegations

Without even getting into all the well documented issues with AI, if you want people to think it's cool the first thing you gotta do is stop insisting 24/7 that it's cool. You'd know this if you weren't giant nerds who've never had sex

I'll probably delete later because people on this website are big ol' weirdos, but once again a pretty good situation

I'm an uncle again. Happy to report the little guy loves pooping and crying. He simply cannot get enough of it

I'v been trying to remember a band from like 10-15 years ago that I think I enjoyed, but mostly because they had a hot cello player (it was Ra Ra Riot)

White people love being named Heathcliff and getting their heights wuthered

That one Hudson Mohawke track some weirdo used as bone down music

I know you guys enjoyed it but much like with Kendrick last year white people gotta dial it back with the commentary

It's been on thin ice for a while but since the ads have been pretty terrible the past few years I think we can officially lump "watching the super bowl for the commercials" with "superb owl," "sportsball," and other dork ass loser sayings

Sam Darnold will be the first QB with mono to win a Super Bowl

Back to back drives resulting in a touchdown? Whoa now if we're not careful a football game might break out at this Super Bowl

The touchdown stands as league officials confirmed you're allowed to score points in a game of football

This is true every year but the no-rhythm-havingest people in the world will always complain about the Super Bowl halftime show

Tbh if I were a celeb I'd be doing tons of commercials, but *only* for things I enjoy and use. You would absolutely see me in a Super Bowl ad extolling the virtues of hot dogs. Any specific brand? No, just hot dogs in general

Kayshon "'Professor, what's another word for pirate treasure?' 'Well, I think it's'" Boutte

Super Bowl LX

I have it on good authority that emailing your wife is now an Olympic sport and that I'm going for the gold

Imagine an ice skater dressed like Martin Crane and doing a routine set to "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs" with an old recliner they're dragging around the ice

at my office thing last week someone - not me! - brought up Casual Friday and mentioned the many different sneakers I'd wear. It was nice to hear but you'll still have to pry wfh from my cold dead hands

[extremely 1980s stand up comic making a humorous observation like how they should make the whole plane out of the same material as the black box voice] they should make the whole work week out of the same material as Whiskey Fridays with Tony Dookiepill

I love putting all of my eggs in one basket. You're saying I should get a second or even third basket? Hey guys get a load of John D Rockefeller over here

Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle

*extremely a decade later voice* Bergo to the polls

Possible SPOILERS even though it's been like three years, but I've been reading some reddit comments on the Succession finale and a lot of people seem way more optimistic than me. A decent amount of folks think Roman had a happy ending. Famously normal and well-adjusted character Roman Roy?

Jeff Bozos go back to trying to make your wife a Bond girl named Plenty O'Honks and leave the newspaper alone

Now watching Dr. No, who didn't do four years of medical school for villains just for James Bond to show up and call him Mr. No

What a show. I give it five million buenos, which tbh you can't do anything with. Five's a nightmare

Saying goodbye to my pals in the Roy family with the final episode of Succession. Who'll take over Waystar - Willa? Tiny Wu-Tang? The giant ass rabbit Kendall bought for his kids? Maybe the city of New York itself?

Free office merch has me feeling like a stock broker the way I'm "investing" !!

I have a theory the giant rabbit Kendall got for his kids will play a major role in the ending of Succession. They're calling it Chekhov's bunny

Punxsutawney Phil is predicting six more weeks of emailing my wife??

If anyone is still in touch with our Australian twitter pal Sarah please let her know I'm watching Succession and consistently losing my shit after each episode

[shoving everyone out of the way as I burst through the door like Kramer] ZAPOOPER FILM

Starting the last season of Succession and after the S3 finale I'd just like to say, Tom Wambsgans??

The Pigg

Ah, so *that's* the origin of this meme

S3 of Succession has mostly been me yelling "what the fuck are you doing Kendall" at the screen