My 6yo decorated a gingerbread

Me: Merry Christmas! *a mob descends*

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

[being blasted out of a cannon] me: hell yeah i can't wait to rip through a soldier's torso [i land safely into a circus net] me: this is cool too though

*C+C Music Factory voice*

“I’m a loser, baby” “I’m a loser baby” Commas are important. Babies are too young to be so self-deprecating.

Me: this is better at home Lady performing my mammogram :

I made a perfect queso blanco. This is my greatest acheesement.

Darth Mom vs Luke Skyguy Magnetman vs Professor Twitter Milo vs Otis These are the adversarial titans of film!

What if we kissed under the breadstick chandelier

Me: Jesus, are these...are these claw marks in the sand? Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lol

PLAY on your Switches and SAVE Princess Peaches and SLAM on the back of the Koopa Troopaaaaa

Guy 5,000 years ago: [inventing virgin olive oil] His friend: unfuck it more

There is an entire generation of humans out there who has only ever known auto flush. Wild.

Car alarms. When you want a loud way for crime to be ignored. Car alarms ™️

September 30 October 1

WAP this WAP that, you best WAP that smirk off your face

When she bakes she's Taylor Sift thank you

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys but not both

Starting a steroid dose pack today, so if you see me out there battling Godzilla mind your business

The top tier of Maslow's Patriarchy of Needs is self-actuallyization

Imagine falling in love only to find out he named his dick Microsoft

Current events

If Fall Out Boy was sponsored by Gatorade they would electrolyte it up, up, up

Not to brag, but my kid wanted to wear her blink 182 shirt yesterday, so she did her own laundry. Unprompted. Well I guess this is growing up

"Our mom" I say, mocking my brother

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here avoiding the Noid

Need to cut the grass but I can't get mowtivated

A topless landscaping service called I'm Sexy and I Mow It thank you

Imagine that guy from Sleep Token does a face reveal and he's got a bowl cut

I'm a bitch/I'm a lover Side of hashbrowns/covered smothered Add in two scrambled eggs/I do not feel ashamed

Excuse me, provide WHAT?

This day in history. 1970. Yuchiro Miura, known as The Man Who Skied Down Everest, did something remarkable, the nature of which escapes me.

The beep boop robot (H1N1) is my favorite Star War guy

that cat that gets fed at every house on your block is a 'group chat'

Daughter could not remember the word mascot and said she met the team's sports furry

I wonder if the Pope's grandkids call him Pope-Pope

Shall I compare thee to a Sunny D

Tony Bagawk

Almost Easter. Can't wait to dye the investments.

Gonna start kissing the ground after I get off the Velocicoaster

I'm a bitch I'm a lover I'm Hulk Hogan Oh yeah brother

imagine finding out one of the most famous gun fights of all time just took place at the corral you built and the papers are all calling it just “ok”

Hey, Siri, how many grams of protein are in Mucinex

Seems like this was a tariffible idea (Apologies)

Lion All Messy or whatever idk I don’t watch soccer

Almost Easter. Can't wait to dye the investments.

(Nancy Sinatra voice) these boots are made for walkin/ that's just what they'll do/ please don't fetishise/ my orthopedic hiking shoes

ROBBER: hand over your valuables and no one gets hurt ME: *frantically licks ice cream cone*

People used to mail vhs tapes to Bob Saget and never get them back. We accepted it as the best system.