It is the year 2026 AD. Super hackers have gained illicit backdoor access to the AI Claude through the Chipotle support chat.

based on my experiences as a parent i genuinely believe that if someone is feeling irritable the first thing they should ask themselves is “have i pooped today?”

today we remember the one who willingly suffered and died before the glorious celebration of the day he was raised from the dead, heralding his victory over death 😔

yes you fucking morons free preschool for everyone or it becomes just "free preschool for the poors" and then you call them leeches and ask for tax breaks when really we want free preschool for everyone because we want smart well adjusted kids why is this so hard? www.nytimes.com/2026/03/31/n...

moby-dick, his eyes enormous: from hell's heart you STAB at moby? for hate's sake you spit your last BREATH at moby? oh! oh! the great shroud of the sea for ahab! the great shroud of the sea rolling on as it rolled five thousand years ago!!!!

happy anniversary to the only good april fools joke

being married for 20+ years means your spouse can say “you know the one, that show with the horny crime teens” and you say “yeah Euphoria, go on”

You wouldn't be ”asking ChatGPT” anything if Max Zorin had managed to flood Silicon Valley in 1985

Some missing episodes were just never meant to be found.

“a similar level of knowledge regarding the penile glans was reached back in 1998” 🫠 www.theguardian.com/society/2026...

Whenever people are like "Remember when we had to pretend [popular/critically acclaimed art from a few years ago] was good," my gut reaction is that they have a weak mind and no backbone. If you can't talk shit when the hype is at its peak, then you do not have a true hater's heart.

as a longtime Weir-hater this whole debacle is soooooooooooooo gratifying to me, like omg finally y’all yes

Letting our kids be kids also means getting back to the basics. That’s why, earlier this year, I signed into law a bipartisan bill that requires Morse code and telegraph installation to be taught in Pennsylvania schools.

Stop worrying about what YA books to let your kids read and let them sort it out with V C Andrews and cocaine era Stephen King as God intended

look man harry potter just meant a lot to me as a kid. it taught me important lessons, like how being fat is bad, being a woman with masculine features is bad, systemic oppression is fine, trying to fight against systemic oppression is cringe, and that everyone should grow up to be a cop

whenever folks talk about harry potter and separating artist from art they always have this indignant 'OH SO IM A BAD FOR BUYING THESE BOOKS?' but thats not the real issue. the reality is that many will BELIEVE you are bad, and that is VALID. its not your choice what others think of you

It’s been three years since the most dynamic fulcrum in sumo, Enhō Yūya injured his neck & spine so bad that he was advised to never do sumo again. Downranked into oblivion, he made his return in July 2024 & clawed his way back to today, where it was announced he would once again join Juryō division

oh no Kirishima saying how excited his daughter will be that he won

at least once every basho 😒

I’ve been thinking Takayasu is the Susan Lucci of sumo but now I’m thinking he might be sumo’s Diane Warren 🫠

I would gladly take two or even three Marches over one August, the real king of Worst Months (tourists! everything smells bad!! too hot to go anywhere!!!)

Sad to see the Ides of March becoming commercialised like this. I really feel like we're losing track of the true spirit of the holiday. It's not about how many knives you can stick in a tyrant all at once, it's about the whole community coming together to stab the tyrant as many times as possible.

recent events have forced me conclude Firefly is Harry Potter for people 10 years older * seen as inspiring and unique but is actually just okay * helmed by an awful person * fans won't let it die * its success allowed the rise of a hate movement * surprisingly racist once you think for a minute

We don't need the show that upheld the reputation of a racist misogynist showrunner, starring the actual face of gamergate, to get a reboot actually. And trust me, you're not missing much if you haven't seen firefly. A solid chunk of the humor is "it's funny to call sex workers the w slur".

construe “our” as broadly as you please

I'm struggling to explain to non-fans how 'they found two missing episodes' feels. I think it might genuinely be a whole human emotion only accessible to Dr Who fans, like we're deep sea fish who can smell magnets.

absolutely love it when the NHK sumopedia clip following the day’s highlights is the one about Ura getting his pink mawashi 🥺

you want to see a murder

Day1 M1 Wakatakakage (L) Yz Onosato (R) Ōnosato has beat WTK seven straight times #harubasho2026

tomorrow!!!

Today I Will Look The Burrito Man In The Eye and other stories of manifesting success

Anyways.

love to pick up my phone and see 5 - 10 different things each of which successively makes me angrier than I’ve ever been in my entire fucking life

primary care doc I really liked is a fraction of the size she was last visit, and I’m like ok whatever that’s her business, HOWEVER when I asked her about hrt for perimenopause, there “isn’t enough research on that yet” for her to prescribe it for me? ma’am pick a lane

got called "very stable" by a mental health professional, who i ALSO managed to make laugh. turns out you CAN get a good grade in therapy. just fyi

my friends and i helped this lady a couple weeks ago. it was tedious work, and tourists got weirdly defensive with us. over the course of one hour we threw out thousands of stupid pieces of plastic crap, and i rescued one little guy

They paid a lot of people good wages to do the job effectively, thank you for coming to my socialism talk

this had me in tears, y’all, NYC kids are so good

Someone a decade+ younger than I asked me if I saw the Matrix in theaters and how cool that must have been

2026 basically

Me whenever I have to communicate with other human beings #anxiety

if you're an older person who finds words like mogg and maxxing annoying, just starting using them. people over the age of 30 have the superpower to end trends by simply adopting them

If only our elected officials had this kind of moral clarity

Context: this speech is from SIR THOMAS MORE, a history written, as near as scholars can tell, in the early 1600s by 6 or 7 people including Dekker, Heywood, Chettle, Shakespeare, and Munday. It was never performed, because Jacobean England was a police state and it was banned by the censor.

The first dildo flew through the air like a rubber prophecy and skidded to a stop directly at the boots of a state trooper. And that’s when the United States government lost its entire fucking mind. www.closertotheedge.net/p/the-dildo-...