My most recent replies if you find any of them useful/ want to use them: -Add it to the flag -This is cake -That's why it's a carcinogen -Hot

John the Baptist, head of

Asked the 3yos what was happening here and one said "he's gonna eat that dog."

need to make everyone in San Francisco watch this video every morning and every night

The Heart-Breaking Work of Tidying Up

Get in loser, we're losers. This is the loser bus

KPDH is important because I got to teach my kid what epaulettes are at a very young age.

Ahahaha this is cute

Roses are red Violets are blue You’re somehow a knockout And a wild-type, too 🧪 🧬 #ScienceValentines

Found them

What if it happened on Valentine's Day? 💘

Hahahahaha winter Olympians are so metal. Just two weeks of speed, chaos, and vibes.

Happy Valentine’s Day! #submelweek

All of my skeets are about fire and that's probably because I'm so cold. It is freezing in Virginia and we are not used to it. I have not developed the appropriate fat patches.

ME: Guess I’ll eat breakfast MY BRAIN: Sex ME: What MY BRAIN: Sex have it ME: That’s not a breakfast MY BRAIN: Sex breakfast ME: I’m not— MY BRAIN: Have sex women make you breakfast ME: There’s no— MY BRAIN: Sexual lesbian breakfast with woman gay little moan 8:27am sex 4k photorealistic ME: ok

Set Fire to the [redacted]

Swarovski potato

There are worse crimes than burning books, one of them is not reading them. -Ray Bradbury (also me, setting the shelves and shelves of children's books we have acquired on fire)

Jehovah's Witnessed?

this one is NOT pornography. it is SFW. and it is incredibly funny. arrested development could not have deployed a federal redaction in a funnier way www.justice.gov/epstein/file...

Can an indie darling thrive in the presidency. Let's find out

Oh to be a little Tardigrade walking around a microscopic volvox algae colony. 🫧🐻🧪

People are asking if she has a go fund me. I want to know if she has a ring.

Yesterday I saw someone with a license plate from Ohio and a license plate frame from University of Michigan and I feel like that person lost a bet.

if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them

Do I really have to move my drafts from my weird little file on my phone to bluesky? I should probably either post them or set them on fire.

everyday is hump day for Sisyphus

Every time I see my kid wear his Sonic the Hedgehog sweater - which he chewed through the sleeve of - I think about the Japanese art of kintsugi.

Some alarms and some surprises

What is the extinction coefficient of black mold? Real quick.

I can’t stop laughing about “and from New Jersey”

No surprises, husband just accused me of not occupying reality. Only took him 18 days.

I would have rather been asked what gay meant

Finding out that top execs from both LifeTouch and Chuck E. Cheese are in the Epstein files has pissed me off in a way that I didn’t think was still possible.

Rebuilding from first principles

I mean technically yes but they still did 9/11 so 🤷‍♂️

Five things I like, and you should also Art museums Poetry of John Ciardi Floorplans Election transport chains Bruises

always so funny to me when people are like “how am I supposed to explain Gay to my kids?” my kid asks me way harder shit all the time. “why did they build the road this way? why are some people bad?” I don’t know. please ask me about Gay

I tried to take a photo of a grasshopper on my windshield, but now it looks like a gigantic bug destroying the town.

The older I get, the more children I have, the more cake I have.

Them: you better not be back on ur bushshit Me, rollin in:

I need some her/she kisses

Happy Owl Day to all who celebrate.

Everyone please enjoy a clip of Yuma Kagiyama doing his best dance moves with Snoopy. h/t to this account at the bad place x.com/snoopykagiya... #MilanoCortina2026 #FigureSkating