iykyk

"Kids! come down for dinner! The ham and bananas hollandaise is ready!"

Pete Hegseth still with no skills

what time rapture CDT?

if you’re an isolated, angsty, strange young man, please know that you can become a Kierkegaard scholar instead of joining fringe online communities

She doesn’t need a hero, she is the hero we need. 🤩

“Nice car, jerk. Where’d you get it…”

share, like, and follow me into the dark

Went to take a picture of this insane bigfoot sex sign in front of someone's house and only after opening my camera did i notice the numerous little chickens chilling in the dirt. life is good again

someone came up 2 me in the gym today as i was about to start on the hip thrust machine and asked if she could get in her reps in between my sets & i said “idk CAN u???” & this is why i cant make friends

everything’s great walking on the treadmill at the gym until you accidentally open the front facing camera

they might be homophones, but if you want others to take your sexting seriously, then be mindful of using 'yr' and 'ur' correctly one is possessive, the other is a contraction. so when typing with one hand, remember it's 'show me yr big milkers' and 'ur making me cum' not the other way around!🙏😎

live, laugh, lobotomize me, cap’n

DRACULA: *singing completely off the beat at karaoke* goud lahk babe! goud lahk babe! ah ah ah

leaving my dishes unwashed so the ghosts have something to do

my bf is shitting rn

being covered in salt would cure me

my body is a shirley temple

Me pot o’ gold is a pile o’ shite -self deprechaun

i didn’t have “saving the single egg in my fridge for a special occasion” on my vision board for 2025 but here we are

who up dabbling in the dark arts?

They should invent a constitution that isn’t written on magicians flash paper

damn jonathan taylor thomas save some first names for the rest of us

Stacy's mom's medicare is gone

nobody: absolutely nobody: me: it’s the creature from the black legume

Ever consider living off grid and then your chocolate melts when you go on a hike and you burst into tears?

cuffing season is over. huffing season starts now [rattling spray cans]

who up dangling they modifiers?

who up on top of old smokey, all covered with cheese?

Every recipe blog ever: the prep time is 10 minutes Me doing the prep:

damn girl, r u an opinion? because i wanna examine u for bias and verisimilitude before making u mine 💕

has anyone told sally that selling seashells by the seashore is a really bad business model?

psa: it now costs more to buy your eggs than freeze them

charmin exec: so how about a family of bears that are absolutely OBSESSED with wiping their asses

damn baby, r u a copyright holder? bc that body got me thinkin bout fair use

what phrase do u think best encapsulates the deeply rooted self-concept u probably need therapy for? mine is, “for entertainment purposes only”

fiddling with my keys, purse, grocery bags, smoothie cup, road seltzie, car door, and trunk until i die

celebrity home tours except it’s just me shuttling you from church to church saying “and this is where GOD lives!”

nosferatzatziki sauce™️

me: nosferatussy executioner (pulling a lever): ok

this just in: “musk” replaces “moist” as most-hated word in english vocabulary second place for most-hated: “elon”

gps directions to where you got the fucking audacity

[everclear voice] I am still living with your… goat 🐐

setting my white noise machine to sharpening knives

he sucking on my nosferatitties

a dead bee is called a been

it has been brought to my attention that my previous post about free-bleeding in public comes from a place of light-flow privilege, and for that i am positively sanguine with embarrassment. specifically, AB positive.