... "who do I need to sleep with to find someone to sleep with?" - me at 3am ...

Chill

I am color blind, so Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Hudson, and Jennifer Aniston all look like Jennifer Grey to me.

... unsolicited fashion advice: if you're a 50+ year-old white dude, never, EVER wear a "The Dripfather" t-shirt, even at Walmart. it's just wrong ...

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

God: Any other requests? Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette! God: No problem.

Love Thy Neighbor op: @irenes.entropy

members of the all-bear comedy mime troupe “ursa medium” seen here practicing their “two friends carrying a heavy box” routine

Every Republican politician who's been asked to publicly denounce Nazism.

... business idea: DoorDash, but for sperm donation ...

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Ten years ago today.

Any dictionary can be a pocket dictionary with big enough pants.

A lot of TV shows now have a warning about "adult situations" . . . but then you watch and no one is going to work, paying bills or cleaning up dog poop.

Somebody I used to meow

I popped the question* on my girlfriend and she said "Yes"! * Who is your favorite prog-rock band?

... I owe that psychic a big apology. yesterday she said I'd meet someone with the initials B, I, or F who would entirely change my life. I laughed it off and went on my way. today I was arrested by the FBI ...

... I bought a camouflage hunting outfit at a garage sale. I got it for a buck ...

... silly me. I thought the Go-Gos song "Our Lips Are Sealed" was about the blonde who mistook super glue for Chapstick ...

... *first date* she: what music do listen to? me: I'm mostly a fan of progressive rock. she: really me too! you like ELO? me: oh yeah! are you a Moody Blues fan? she: definitely! do you listen to Renaissance? what do you think of them? me: they're faire. she: *leaves* ...

Please stop asking if you can see the Secret Chimp. You don't see the Secret Chimp. The Secret Chimp sees you.

Oh hey! Good morning! 🩷

yes, but he still has to sound out some of the longer words

Live footage of me meeting my therapist’s new intern.

... my softball card: Height: 5'7" Weight: 193 Bats: Right Throws: Right Position: Futility Infielder Pros: Reliable; Hustles (the good kind); Always tries his best (see: Steve the Otter) Cons: Two speeds, both low; Confuses eye black and Chapstick; Always asks for directions to 3rd base ...

... PSA: If you put the tail on a Jurrasic Park dinosaur toy, DO NOT try taking it apart. I think I gave myself an aneurysm ...

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

"Pssst." "Shhh!" "Whatcha doing?" "Waiting." "For what?" "A cheetah." "I hear those are beautiful." "They sure are, fast too, now hush." "Can I wait with you?" "Only if you're quiet."

... gonna start doing a podcast about cooking pork called "Life Hocks" ...

Food poisoning can mean whatever you want it ptomaine.

... PSA: you can be Christian and not be an asshole about it ...

I think there needs to be a National Vampire Day where we can all pause and take a quiet moment of somber non-reflection.

[heaven] darwin: *pokes angel* angel: what? darwin: watch this

“Time to go teach some Latin and break some knuckles.”

I thought Steve had a splinter, but no, he's just having a conversation with his foot.

Sadly, the brutal underground sport of kitten fighting continues to go on unabated, and remains criminally unreported.

Nothing smells better than when someone is makin-bacon. Er, let me rephrase that.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I’m stupid, but not “get angry at an actor for the actions of a fictional character they portrayed” stupid.

I can't believe we're in this fuckfest just because a few dudes didn't get enough positive attention as children

The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the staccato pops of roots coming free from the soil. The ground pulsates a steady rhythm, as through a cloud of flying dirt and floating dust, the enraged horde marches towards the city with a singularity of purpose. The vegans must pay.

Select all the photos of traffic lights to proceed to Heaven -RAPTCHA

This is Birdee. She is absolutely psyched that you noticed her sticker, because that means she made a new friend. Get yours today through the link below, and as always, tell your dog we said hi! 13/10 www.weratedogs.com/?utm_source=bluesky&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tydish-sticker

Barber: what are we doing today? Me: ideally, making my girlfriend's ex-husband feel very insecure

Today I will be releasing my own scientific study linking Flintstone Vitamins to kidney stones.

DEVO WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING

... I was never the smartest baseball player. before one game I mixed up the tubes of eye black and Chapstick. I looked like a goth catcher but at least the area under my eyes was very kissable ...