Australia Admits All Those Animals Made Up https://theonion.com/australia-admits-all-those-animals-made-up/

My boomer dad has always believed the world would be a better place if women ran it. Glad he’s not obscure!

We live in a world where the people in charge think Hollywood blockbusters are documentaries.

Sadly this did not end up being what I'd hoped

Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing https://theonion.com/protesters-urged-not-to-give-trump-administration-pretext-for-what-it-already-doing/

“Buy our home security package named after someone who was utterly destroyed by a back door break-in he didn’t see coming because he was focused solely on the front door.”

Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’

ME: [pre-emptively shooing the cat away so it doesn't jump/sit on me] CAT: he must want me to sit on him in a different, more complicated way

ICE detain father shopping on Christmas Eve—then steal his family's groceries. Then 3 agents divvy up his paid for food—taking what they want for themselves. "Can I just get the wife's number to call and let her know?" woman asks. "No, guess he should've complied," agent says. Yakima, Washington

Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society https://theonion.com/historians-quibbling-over-exact-definition-of-concentration-camp-sign-of-healthy-society/

Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side

FB marketplace really has everything

Accidental—but adorable!—sepia-toned color-highlight pic. (I guess Opal is just too monochrome…? 😅)

This is essentially the plot of The Sound of Music.

Forget Trump's nonsense. Voting by mail is safe and secure. Period. Don't forget to subscribe: www.dworkinsubstack.com/subscribe

Further developments: King Herod has announced his intention to eliminate all male children under the age of two from the area. "You can't be too careful with these undesirable elements," a spokesperson said. Local mother Rachel, when reached for comment, was crying too hard to speak.

Best Twitter riposte of the day

I did a test to see if I could remember all the Roman numerals, but I forgot 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500. IM LIVID!

The guy who put a 19 year old named Big Balls in charge of gutting key government services: “experience matters when lives are at stake”

Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker https://theonion.com/revised-national-parks-webpage-describes-harriet-tubman-as-human-trafficker/

ICE is having so much difficulty filling open positions that the agency may soon begin hiring documented workers.

Pretty sure it’s illegal to fuck with people’s mail and if you’re law enforcement you have to have a warrant to touch it.

I hope California declares eminent domain over their properties and turns them into homeless shelters.

“FOOL OF A 🤬 TOOK!” 🧙‍♂️

Freaking love this city and all the people in it so much….a bunch of people went and turned the 4 train into the Polar Express giving out toys to kids along the way from the Bronx to Brooklyn….shoutout to the @newyorkers.live account on IG for doing this 🙏 www.instagram.com/reel/DSnsvWS...

Dean Martin, born Dino Paul Crocetti, son of Italian immigrant Gaetano Crocetti Frank Sinatra, son of Italian immigrants Antonino Sinatra and Natalina Garavanta Merry Christmas to everyone except Stephen Miller and his enablers and handlers

I love feeling like the only person who remembers 2008. bsky.app/profile/nyti...

For all we know that fake Nigerian Prince sent Trump an email promising him $100B in gold bars if he urgently sends missiles in the next 24 hours, and Trump and Hegseth fell for it.

I wonder if Elon’s personal embarrassment by Wisconsin voters made the DOGE cuts even deeper. (On Wisconsin! 🧀💪)

A smarter model for paying for college: income-based repayment. You start paying your student loans only once you earn enough to comfortably get by. That turns higher ed debt into something more like a tax surcharge on success, not a choke collar on people who are struggling.

Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan https://theonion.com/cat-clinging-to-side-of-christmas-tree-admits-that-was-1849899567/

Breaking | Trump orders airstrikes to aid Nigerian Christians despite Stephen Miller's frantic cries that Nigerian Christians are Black.

TV Network Refuses To Air ‘Miracle On 34th Street’ For Outdated Depictions Of Hope, Joy https://theonion.com/tv-network-refuses-to-air-miracle-on-34th-street-for-1848159248/

Annual post about how Spirited is perfect and the absolute best Christmas movie

Even more appropriate this year. Merry Christmas from the vampiric, weaponizing capitalists. 🎄💰😜 youtu.be/_lOU_HN5bY4?...

R.I.P. Tiny Tim. Contrary to what was reported earlier today on this station Tim perished earlier this morning despite the valiant efforts of a local former curmudgeon and reformed miser to cure Tim’s terminal illness with The Christmas Spirit.

Best-looking former First Couple ever.

And Tiny Tim, who did not die

My annual contribution to the festivities!

BREAKING NEWS: Reported gunfire at Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles.

the perfect blue wave slop doesn't exi–

“Red One” is just the IRL manifestation of IBC’s “The Night the Reindeer Died.” #Scrooged

Extremely funny to call the pope “holier-than-thou”

Santa has penetrated our air defenses and Omaha goes in 19 minutes. Mr President, authorize the SIOP plan while we still have the computer. Launch on his workshop.

“Jamaica Inn” - also a Christmas movie.

the cutting edge is a christmas movie

Wut? Does Trump fantasize about throwing Santa into ICE detention??? (We live in the dumbest timeline…)

If the Romans had simply deported woke baby Jesus to South Sudan, a lot of trouble could have been avoided

"ICE officials are also investigating the couple for other crimes. They were found with a substantial amount of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. 'What are those luxury goods doing in their possession?' asked the ICE spokesman, taking a moment to adjust his mask."