I hate the fucking Omny subway cards so much. What the fuck do you mean I have a NEGATIVE balance on my card?? I am absolutely sure that the refusal to show my balance at the turnstile is because the balance is not being drawn down honestly.

If we all focus our intention hard enough, I think we can get Mike O’Malley to host a special Dune cast episode of GUTS

Oscar Isaac was in the Criterion Closet and he’s the first guy who I think properly understood that he gets all the movies for free and just overloaded the bag

See, if we had gotten an Act I musical number from him we wouldn’t have to wonder.

Jason Crow was flailing a bit in his attempt to get Trump to turn on Hegseth, but it’s clear from his face that he would like to stab Hegseth in the throat, which I do respect.

I will say this…Hegseth’s skin looks surprisingly good for a huge alcoholic.

I don’t not feel like punching an old white man today

I’m just happy to know that Tony Dokoupil is probably a little sad all the time now. However! I think we can make him sadder.

Based on two conversations I’ve had in the last 24 hours, we gotta make more actual romcoms before the vernacular becomes that a romcom is just a lighthearted movie with women in it.

the "you paid for it so you own it and fuck every company who says different" lane is wide open for any politician that wants it

One bitchy little media blog outs a guy & now it’s humanity’s problem for all time?

Barry Keoghan really needs to stop with the fillers. He looks like he has been injecting his face with liquid caulk behind a Waffle House.

In news that absolutely everyone predicted…

In the criminal justice system, seashell posting offenses are considered especially heinous.

Exercising Woman Really Starting To Feel The Burn Of Lifelong Injury Developing https://theonion.com/exercising-woman-really-starting-to-feel-the-burn-of-li-1825044413/

when you're not reading the room

The Justice Department seems to be going out of its way to avoid saying that Cole Allen didn't fire any weapons at all inside the Washington Hilton — and that the officer hit was most likely hit by friendly fire. www.doomsdayscenario.co/p/is-the-jus...

I will never understand Americans who get all hyped for the British monarchy. At least our home grown nepo babies can sing or “model” or whatever.

Everybody should renew their passport asap before they can do this.

Yikes. I am really out of practice with spreadsheets.

The worst man alive but, credit where credit’s due, this is the funniest thing he’s ever said by *miles*

I wonder why I woke up with “Go the Distance” from Hercules stuck in my head. What is my brain up to?

Discworld QOTD, from Maskerade

I know that it’s not the Victorian age, & growing up with a nanny is no longer 🧐, but the twins repeatedly mentioning their nanny on tonight’s episode gave me massive ick. #TopChef

The series finale of Dinosaurs was an emotionally brutal reflection on corporate greed and climate change, the entire family accepting the grim inevitability of death due to a handful of rich assholes making life for everyone else literally impossible. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Changin...

i love the nba but it's not a sport. any physical competition held indoors is not a sport, it's "horsing around," a category that also includes hockey and many baseball and football games. nascar's place in this discussion is unknowable as no one is certain of whether being in a car counts as inside

Back on my language soap box! I am once again begging everyone to stop using “quip” in writing because clearly way too many of you are incapable of using it correctly.

I feel like his skills could have been put to better use at that specific point in time

My money is on “Leviticus.” Or “Baeleigh.”

This ratio is awe inspiring. I’m proud of us, y’all. #acab

Which of these kids is doing their own thing?

I know he’s got a few things on his plate, but I am *begging* Mayor Mamdani to do something about delivery people riding their e-bikes on the sidewalk. @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social

It also is disingenuous to only paint a person as positive when they’re not. If you’re going to stan somebody stan the whole thing. Stand with your abuser and their abuse since you love their entertainment so much.

King Sausage Fingies knew enough to keep his mitts behind his back.

I mean, good, but I am really struggling with what the texture of freeze dried lobster would be.

Every pair of shorts I own from Old Navy (don’t @ me - they’re a cost effective source of jorts) is an entirely different size despite having the same number on the tag.

In my experience, like 90% of people who ever write anything (social media, novels, scripts) where they ascribe a weight to someone have no idea what they're talking about. Obviously it's worse when describing women but people will just say nonsense about men too.

“have you got your potato and are you sorry” is a pretty good afterlife test, honestly, I’ve heard a lot worse

Dammit, I asked for cheddar on my egg & cheese & I def got American. I don’t care that American melts better; it is the absolute worst cheese to top anything. All oil & no flavor or salt content.

the mf who just took 36 duck breasts out of the sous vide

“They looked like Matt Dillon”?

This is a horrible day for magic

*Spins wheel* ex Mormon... *shakes magic 8 ball* pornstar doula *throws dart* former Tulsi staffer Motivated by *spins larger wheel* his Qatari data center getting bombed

“Please sir, I’m the FBI director and you’ve GOT to let me get this correspondent to safety!”

this is a scary and overwhelming moment we're all living through together and in the interests of national unity I think what we need is to hear a LOT more about this dude with Kash Patel's girlfriend

The people still in the ballroom deciding to go ahead and open the bottles of wine on the tables is, tbh, the most relatable thing I’ve ever heard. I will award one (1) Ellie star to these alcy stenographers.

This is such a flagship moment for where America is right now. Gun violence, showmanship, celebrity, mass confusion, and also according to C-SPAN, people are opening the bottles of wine still on the tables.

It’s very funny that apparently Kash Patel had to wave his arms to get security attention & be guided out after all the other principles had been evacuated.

It was funnier before, you know…this, but I noticed earlier that someone brought their like 10yo-ish daughter to the WHCD &…why would you do that when Trump is speaking to a room full of people he hates? Call CPS!

The good news is, there are a lot of experienced, trained professionals on hand who can quickly gather all the appropriate facts and tell us exactly how this is bad news for the Democrats in the midterms.