Don't talk to me while I'm listening.

Things are falling apart as planned.

I saved money by bundling my depression and anxiety.

#FluffyNeedsMore brushing.

I don't have time for your sense.

Getting out of bed and other acts of bravery.

Don't start anything you can't abandon.

I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

#GotSlashedWhen it was the only means of escape.

#GotSlashedWhen I broke up with her.

Monster's Ball Licker #MakeAMovieAboutAPet

Sorry I went missing for years in the middle of our conversation.

Me: *removing my stormtrooper helmet* Divorce?

This sext could’ve been a meeting.

Your bio gave me a headache

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

#TheSilverTonguedDevil was smooth.

#ThePartyWasGreatUntil I was asked to leave.

#ThePartyWasGreatUntil the window broke.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of #horrorfam on Bluesky. Have a wonderful day however you choose to celebrate. 🎃🎄

Pee-ano Man #MakeASongAboutTrump

#MakeASongAboutTrump Comfortably Dumb

Impeach Me Baby One More Time #MakeASongAboutTrump

#MakeASongAboutTrump In The Hair Tonight.

My fitness goal is to have an hourglass chalk outline.

Don't talk to me while I'm listening.

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

#HelpfulCancellationReasons There was an angry giant octopus in the en suite bathroom.

#MakesMeKindOfExtra my taste in fashion.

Lied on my resume. #LoseYourJobInFourWords

#LoseYourJobInFourWords More time for fun.

People wondered #WhySantaWasPissed on, but it was backsplash from the urinal.

Pleading insanity in small claims court.

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

I am nothing if not.

What a time to barely be alive

like and repost this if you want to live

You are what you secretly eat in your car.

#NowThatThanksgivingIsDone it’s hoarding season.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Yeah bitches!

be the reason they know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist

Using my CVS receipt as a winter scarf