From my above/ground press chapbook, Parallax Days.

MARY POPPINS (1964) - In this timeless classic, children in a steampunk version of contemporary London learn that they will do any old bullshit as long as a witch is making them do it

The things you miss by not being my friend on Snapchat: me making endless jokes about working at a sausagemongery.

APRIL - 1805 NAPOLEON IS MASTER OF EUROPE ONLY THE BRITISH FLEET STANDS BEFORE HIM THERE IS NOTHING IN NAVAL LAW STATING THAT A GOLDEN RETRIEVER CANNOT SERVE HIS MAJESTY AS CAPTAIN OCEANS ARE NOW BATTLEFIELDS

💙 💜 🩷

Sometimes you make a thing and it does not work.

pros of working Sunday -hot produce guy usually gives me a free lettuce -more money

“There is no comparable requirement for boys to confirm their gender,” said another parent. “Once again, the onus is placed on girls to be monitored and regulated, reinforcing the idea that female athletes are the ones who need to be verified.”

Hey girl, have you ever contained multitudes? …Would you like to?

A cool thing about watching international folk horror is learning about all the different kinds of forests to be scared of

NEW STORY: The push to 'conservatize' Calgary's public school board. Six CBE trustee candidates have campaign materials that look identical—so we took a closer look. #yyccc #ableg

every headline today: "Man Who Could Absolutely Get It Dies at 89"

M just heard the first two notes of the chorus of Britney’s “You Drive Me Crazy” and sang me the whole chorus. I didn’t know she’d ever heard that song????

PETER JACKSON'S BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID

it's me, i did it.

The last time I lost a beloved grandparent I was 18. I’m guessing my coping mechanism of “get extremely drunk and make out with people at the bar” is no longer developmentally appropriate, so I’m trying “deep cleaning”.

T, thoughtfully chewing gum: “I like the taste of air refreshener in my mouth. And by air refreshener, I mean peppermint.”

once you're in a hammock everything outside the hammock is infinite miles away

when, when will someone finally open a restaurant focused on elevated takes on familiar favorites served as small, sharable plates???

Thanks to Haley Kalil for wearing a green dress

what a week, man

M: okay! Today I’m going to sing, Taylor Swift is going to play her guitar, the Saja Boys are going to dance, and Rumi is also gonna sing with me and her friends. Also I brushed those guyses hair and I can snap whenever my kids say I can snap.

You guys ever go to bed? Can't be beat.

oh fr??

You like the way i work it (no dignity)

Well then

Her dad dropped her off and she got two steps in, turned around, hollered “BYE DADDY!” and TOOK OFF.

Not my ass sallying forth

I said this about Sitcoms too but they really did used to let ordinary-looking people be on TV shows

M is starting preschool tomorrow and these are her thoughts: “it’s gonna be so ‘citing! I want you to drop me off though. No grown ups. Just me and the kids and teachers.”

This is a vice tax from the Alberta government trying to dissuade people from getting vaccinated.

KNIVES OUT KNIVES OUT

Remind me to have a meltdown later about where I’m going to find five hundred dollars for ‘vid vaccines

Not to brag but I don't need a wearable chat bot to shit talk me all day because my brain came with that feature pre-installed

Help I can’t stop listening to House Tour

Craig found them in the children’s toothbrush cup.

My parents came to the market and got me an espresso and tonic

Time again for a rousing rendition of Saturday Selfies

Where are my thrice-damnèd razor blades and why is the answer not “in the bathroom cabinet where they live”

do you think there's a brig on the magic school bus

Going for oysters with my dad and SIL and niece

Blue shells don’t hit you if you’re pure of heart

Well, at least I showered

Produce the bodies, be they alive or dead.

H first day of grade three, T first day of kindergarten

Not yet quite dead?

I'm just a big fan of delighting myself