Are there other footballs teams?

They literally “took our guns”.

Dude thinks he’s Klingon, but knows he’s Ferenghi

HITLER: I’ve made a huge mistake.

I fucking LOVE fluoride.

let's talk about sticks baby let's break em right off a tree let's talk albout all the throwing and the fetching that could be

What time does butthole Bluesky start?

In fairness, think about how good this “I told you so” is gonna feel.

“28 Years Later: Bone Temple box office bomb!” Dudes! We. Can’t. Afford. It.

I still don’t think that 45 is tool old to become Robocop.

Revision night. The story always tells the truth once I stop arguing with it.

Not to judge but you look like the kind of person who says ‘acquired’ instead of ‘bummed’

-100% of my followers would fix me

Writing fiction is mostly discovering which sentences you’ve been using as armor.

Quiet Revolt. For when you cannot change the system, but you can do something A new piece of short fiction open.substack.com/pub/peculiar...

Jesus Christ! Somebody hide Sarah Connor!!

I’m starting to think that maybe not everyone wants to just chill-lax

Whoever invented Scrabble was into some really word shit.

Dude. If you’re mean to ducks I will fuck you up.

Do you even daydream about being a Starship Captain, bro?!

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

They say time is the fire in which we burn. They also say that bologna has a first name. So, I don’t know what to fucking believe

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?” “Vicodin.”

A new piece of short fiction from somewhere in the back of my head. They Let Us March Once a Year open.substack.com/pub/peculiar...

Ordered calamari at Olive Garden and they gave me deep fried Nike wristbands

Your secret is safe with me. And, of course, by “safe” I mean I will only use it for any, even slightly perceived, personal gain.

Be the nose boop you want to see in the world.

I knew him back when he was Kool-Aid Boy.

Man, we totally won that Christmas War thing!

walking with my hands behind my back so people think i am wise

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan had no idea what a legacy he would leave behind.

Ok. Now somebody get this tree the FUCK outta here.

Feel like Uncle Billy, the guy who ties knots to his hands to remember shit, should maybe not be allowed to handle vital organization finances.

My Christmas List is redacted. You’re not ready for this shit.

ME: What’s the cake for? RAY: It’s Jesus Birthday. ME: And we got Bundt cake?

Tiny Tim is dead you idiots. Jesus. He lived in the mid-19th century in London. He’s fucking long dead

Hello fellow humans looking at their phone to avoid looking at their family members

"People on bluesky don't want to hear -" BLOCK

It’s A Wonderful Life hits different when you think about how the Bailey’s kids probably died in Vietnam.

Oh shit. Greg just told Cousin Eric to go fuck himself, and it’s not even 2pm! I love Christmas.

Guys, I finally got the Castle Grayskull

That’s now 46 consecutive Christmas mornings without the Millennium Falcon I asked for when I was 5. Thanks, Santa.

I will not ride at dawn. That’s way too early

I don’t give a shit. “Yule Log” is still one of the funniest terms ever.

I’ve actually been in a one horse open sleigh. It smells like shit

(to the tune of The Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh) 🎵 BACON AND EGGS 🎵

*gives you a fist bump and a star sticker after sex

I ate the ham equivalent of a woman’s medium purse tonight. Watch out, ladies.

Deck the halls. Get em good. Make them pay for what they did.