You’re in her DMs. I am her DM.

Mark from finance brought bagels

Me: *gets possessed Demon: you live like this??

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here putting pizza rolls in my purse.

There's no high like a falutin high.

You there, garçon. A bottle of your finest Advil.

I can't today. I have to change my clothes until they're comfortable and it's not working

I live my life the same way I fold a fitted sheet. Like a psycho.

I am woman, hear me “whatever.”

Please don’t expect me to have my shit together by my second rodeo.

“Set it all on fire!” Me, after I get honey on my hand while grabbing the honey jar

“Why are all the good ones married?” I often wonder about myself

*gets stoned* now to kill two birds

I talk a lot of shit for a guy that casually drops “lickity split” a few times a day.

If you post a selfie and strangers on the internet don’t tell you you’re pretty BURN. SHIT. DOWN

Pretty sure the love of my life is a chili slaw hotdog

Have you tried deleting Twitter about it?

We should sing some John Denver about it

Filling the trunk of my Camry with 300lbs of pastrami and trying to get to Minneapolis in under five hours like some discount Smokey and the Bandit.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they don't like pepperoni pizza.

Fetch my cardigan! I've got some social media scrolling to do

My chest hair shows up several minutes before I do.

Ok. I’m gonna note it. But it is NOT gonna be duly.

I like to say “money is no object” to the cashier at the dollar store.

Oof. Those guys that won best documentary are probably gonna have some trouble getting home.

someone should do it everyone knows what I'm talking about

I’m the Kobayashi Maru Scenario of people

you murder 17 people and mail intricate cryptic messages about it to detectives over 3 decades and suddenly that’s all anyone remembers you for

I may be the best looking and smartest guy in the room, but I’m also highly delusional

maybe if I had a visible health bar id be more careful with how i treat my body

I’m just gonna start calling all the things I say when I’ve had too much coffee “executive orders”

If I were a quarterback, once every game I’d pretend to throw the ball, but hide it behind my back and watch everyone run.

I think it's really sweet that my wife thinks I'm this incompetent at everything just to annoy her.

gatsby should have invented a line of green deodorant called old sport and the only scent is daisy.

These eggs had better be free and filled with cocaine!

What happened?!

Things don't make me happy, I make me happy

Oh great. Does anybody remember my kids’ names?!

TikTok is now already a Spirit Halloween

“This is silly.” —Me, looking at my brain.

So, when I was in my 20s, and you all referred to me as “quirky”, you could have just said “unreliable”.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Oh that's not why? Ok carry on.

Peaches can get the fuck out of here.

I stopped having thoughts. They are too dangerous.

Harambe was our anchor being.

I simply would not trust any dentist that drives a Cybertruck

I’ve got big time Orko energy.