don't threaten me with a good time

Microslop

Barbra Streisand

the little switch at the bottom of the rearview mirror for night driving is witchcraft. no one can explain it.

do we know how many venezuelans were murdered when they kidnapped maduro yet? dozens? hundreds?

ffs, trying to buy movie tickets in the regal app and there’s a $4 “booking fee”

There were clues.

Tonight, the President of the United States has launched an unconstitutional war of aggression, dooming another generation to spill their blood for oil, and lay waste to a sovereign nation. I demand that Congress exercise its power, halt this conflict, and impeach this war criminal president.

rubio really backtracked on “senile” quickly

Damn Reuters embarrassed itself and you so fast

Venezuela. Doesn’t. Even. Produce. Fentanyl.

“there hasn’t been a murder in washington dc in 6 months” bish someone got murked last week

my initiative rolls tonight have been 2, 4, 8, 4 and 2. got the full bell curve of shit.

*throwing the bard in the bag of holding to smuggle him past a checkpoint* it's not human trafficking! he's a gnome!

I’m a terrible seattleite but the burgerville cheeseburger is better than a dicks cheeseburger

*werner herzog voice* hamburger will never help you

the title is totally innacurate. he gives up on battles after the first battle. they should have called this movie "one battle"

once I cast “holy light” it’s over for you liches

On a scale of delulu to labubu, how dumb are you trying to be?

no cheating, reskeet with the most recent photo of your pet

Mamdani has only been Mayor for a day & criminals are already fleeing New York

convincing tourists that the gum wall in seattle is like the blarney stone and they have to lick it never gets old

I’ll stop being cynical when I stop being right about the shit I’m cynical about

I’m a shitposter, not a fighter

die techie scum* *this is german for "the techie scum"

“twitter has gone the way of the mongoose” I’m sorry WHAT?

what are the odds grubauer plays his way out of seattle? if he stays solid and the kraken don’t, they’d try to trade him right?

if berkly catton starts popping off with a 27 on his back, I’ll have even less respect for mason marchment’s time in seattle.

watched wake up dead man with my parents and now they just want to watch a bunch of murder porn and my mom was so disappointed when I told her I don't like crime dramas, I just watch comedies, sci-fi and cartoons. the world is too depressing already.

stranger things with candy

andrew cuomo (in his bathroom, drunk, at 5am on new years day): mirror mirror on the wall, whos the mayorest of them all

ugh my parents have motion smoothing turned on their giant tv, wake up dead man looks like shit

day one in mamdani’s new york

lol my sister is going to the kraken game today, so sorry to miss her since I’m in vantucky. they’re staying right by my apartment.

my mom hit an $11k jackpot on a slot machine last week, so the casino gave her a $125 voucher for the fancy seafood restaurant and a free night at the casino. they’re going back on her birthday sunday. must be nice.

I’m a shitposter, not a fighter

well, scratching toyota from potential cars to buy. this rental sucks. no carplay, you have to download their app. then register. then scan the VIN. which is peeled off in this car. I just want to listen to bluetooth, man. fuck this shit.

the usual view from my front porch | tonight’s view from my front porch

Fred Durst was a huge Mario fan. He played every game in the series, and even wrote a song about how he did it all for tanuki

really wish I knew what happened to my kraken winter classic sweater. I loaned it to someone and can’t remember who…

my cop cousin gets so pissed every time I call his kid hamlet

I’ll stop being cynical when I stop being right about the shit I’m cynical about

ordered four things from amazon at work, they shipped three. try to tell them they shorted me, their stupid AI is like "okay we'll give you a refund for the whole thing" I even tried clarifying I was only missing one piece. it confirmed that. still credit the whole order.

orcas have the chance to do the funniest thing

Why would I spend $15 to go out and have Thai food when I can buy the ingredients for $30 and cook it myself and ruin it

I’m eating for 2 now, according to the serving suggestion on the packet.

euphoria is just a golden girls ripoff

I want a statistic on how many people took the “seasoned” pathfinder feat after watching delicious in dungeon why don’t they keep track of shit like that?

it’s weird that my tv gives me amazon delivery notifications even if I’m not on prime video