Oh sure some skank bangs over 1000 guys and paid, I do it I get escorted out of the stadium. This bullshit.

Never hit your kids, instead give them siblings that will do it for you.

Don't worry Canada, I'll invade and take over as your new king before Trump can figure out you guys use the metric system.

Sorry you were trying to be serious and I got sexual

Some things just are always on your mind

Throw a brick through my window so I know it’s real.

I see you're not just Twitter single but also bluesky single. Only FB married?

She was rare, like emotional regulation on social media.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you to be this bitter. Pace yourself

*plays dead* no one notices.

We're humans. We're supposed to disappoint each other

All I want to do is eat a crab rangoon before I die.

I still bite the heads off gummy bears so they don't scream when I bite their toes. I'm very kind.

Sure dude I’ve never spoken to…you can dm me if you know my blood type.

🥰

Don’t promise to make my dreams come true unless you’re prepared to pour warm cheese sauce on me while I lounge on a bed of cooked macaroni

Grab her hips and fuck her back.

I have to drink decaf coffee, of course I’m miserable.

Adulting is just deciding what to wear and eat everyday

the 2 wolves inside me left to get a pack of cigarettes

Be with someone who calms you and knows just how to handle you😌

I’ve never officially timed my max toilet-sitting threshold, but I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere around 23 minutes—give or take a leg cramp.

Antidepressants would be way more fun if they screamed on the way down your throat.

Cheesecake is just pie that identifies as cake. It's Trans-cake.

Why would I sleep when I could be up with you

Oh honey, don’t worry! I have appointed myself Supreme Overlord of Greenland.

What's a man gotta do to get some soft tiny pillows? Go to to Target?

Please. Allow me to barely amuse you.

why are they called porn bots and not intrusive thots

Going off the rails cause I’m a train wreck.

Discovered a massive stash of pins in the office supply cabinet, so I’m launching an acupuncture side hustle in the break room. First session’s free, insurance not accepted.

I’m not good at advice. Can I interest you in a nervous laugh?

We are living in an episode of Punked.

I want to roll around in glitter after rolling around in lotion and be the shining shimmering splendid princess I was always meant to be.

Not suggesting anything, mind you …

Can't, being bossed around by a 4 year old at a tea party.

Cheezit nipples? Snacks on a snack.

got 500 words into a new short story this morning. It's so weird switching between short and long form but it's something I would love to get used to/skillful at.

All my Go-Gurts expired and now I have No-Gurts.

Just going to reiterate - We are on this bot problem. We shall fight them on the beaches. We shall fight them in the signup process, we shall fight them in the notifications

If everyone could kindly stop stealing my brilliant, hilarious thoughts before I post them, that’d be awesome. Thanks.

Humans are exhausting.