Today is Décadi the 20th of Brumaire in the year 234. Brumaire is the month of mist. Today we celebrate the harrow.#JacobinDay More information on the harrow

🔪🔜

My kid got a haircut and now he looks like he has opinions about entitlement reform.

I rocked a three hole balaclava for most of my childhood.

The courts will not save us. We must save one another.

Ooooo damn he's getting a lil spiritual with it.

if it's not legal to post "bike nonce" I don't want to live anymore

It's crazy that grapes exist.

*sagely* CBD is poison

I am running a high voltage, high wattage, alternating current through your body.

A snack-based medical system would be nice.

*French dj voice* ah love you ah love to do my laundryyyyyy

100% Sugar Coke. All sugar. No other stuff. Just sugar coke.

I am the best person at my job.

My father loves saying "tush push" but seems to not understand it at all. It's meaning eludes him.

Dude got his ass kicked out of his god damn braces

AI would never make it through a years long bender with the boys and it shows in every fucking thing it does

Stepping from the median and onto the highway like

If you strike me down with your car, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Whole bunch of leather arrived today. Pray for my hands

Nothing funnier than catching a little tiny fish.

If I was an actor, I would only take roles with my real name so as to more rapidly learn my lines. #Efficiency

with all due respect father, jesus didnt have my enemies

Call me when chotiner slashes a interview subject from pelvis to sternum and eviscerates them. Otherwise I don't care, it's just dumbo shit.

Mike Tirico eating a sub sandwich.

Collinsworth: How do you think it feels? Tirico: Rodgers rolls out... Collinsworth: I've heard there's nothing like it. You ever try it Mike? Pegging? Tirico:...And he has to throw it away. 3rd and 7.

My kid is now capable basic intentional destruction.

It would feel so good to imprison one of the ninja turtles in a water tower.

I'm being pressed in cheese cloth. No moisture.

I remember the terrible power I felt at 6 when I learned chocolate killed dogs.

This guy is going to get killed by the ocean when he finally works up the courage to try to fuck it. Foreshadowing.

I'm feeding your ass into the Model. I'm training the Machine on you.

Spatchcocked mark zuckerberg

Beg, piglet.

Boy had 5 vaccines today and is comically lethargic and mopey at the moment. He is 100% my child.

Getting really into the error of my ways.

A g-g-g-g-ghost!?

Kid remains a size-based statistical anomaly. He's already taller than me. He will descend from the steppe and take the world by storm.

Filling up on the newt that makes you clairvoyant when you eat it.

*"Guy who is about to shoot you with the bop gun" voice* Hmm! Yeah! Oooooh, yeahhh-aayy!

Damn fucking right it is.

Friday night beers with the crew got me like

Took a picture of a mushroom to identify it but then I touched it & knew instantly. That is a rock

Missing a great lake tonight. You know which ones make the primpker cut; ain't fucking Erie.

Magic the Gathering cards with cool ass cars on them.

I tweet out some variation on that joke every two months and it always makes me laugh. Fuck you all I don't care.

I am here to reassure you.