Anyone on Storygraph? app.thestorygraph.com/profile/drummy

"We're gonna go easy this holiday season," I say, as I wrap the 278th gift for my wife.

Me: No I don't have social anxiety, what are you talking about? Also me (at the restaurant counter): Hi...ummm... I'll take one food, please.

Why aren't GitHub conferences called GitTogethers.

Wait, no one told me I'd have to interact with people in this job. Gross

Imma put the D in Pachelbel's Canon

And I still suck at German.

Yes, both Gremlins *and* Die Hard are Christmas movies. I'll take no discussion on this.

You know you live in the south when the stores advertise deep freezers by how many deer they can hold.

It's October. Time to tear down your real cobwebs and put up fake ones.

My daughter, exasperated, reaching for the bug-zapping racket: "Hold my drink, I'm about to commit genoflyde."

We've finally reached a decade when I can say I listen to music from the '20s to the '20s.

Men are too emotional to lead

Just popping in to make sure y'all are posting the appropriate amount of papal jokes. Carry on.

What it's like to live in Arkansas: Two days ago it was 80°F and there were tornado warnings. Today the high was 45°F and there are frost warnings.

I took a Viagra this morning, but it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck all day.

All of us in Central Arkansas are making our tornado preparations* right now. *Icing down cases of beer and setting up our lawn chairs in the yard

Pardon all the bourbon. I really thought they said Libation Day.

Gigging in your 40s: "Hey, you played a great show!" "Thanks, I'm going to be recovering on ibuprofen and IcyHot for 6 days."

You're in her DMs. I am in her Signal chat group reading real-time, classified attack plans. We're not the same.

Wife: I'm ready to blow off steam. Me: Hi, I'm steam.

I don't use my account in a few months and it gets overrun with bots. It's the bsky equivalent of cobwebs.

Dear Canadian neighbors: We didn't want this. We didn't vote for that fuckhead. We love y'all. - 75 million terrified Americans

Yeah, I skeet from my all personalities.

I could never be on Wheel of Fortune. Those people are so cheerful when they hit a bad space on the wheel. I'd hit Bankrupt and be like, GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I HAD TEN THOUSAND GOD DAMN DOLLARS, RYAN. MOTHER FUCKER.

On an atomic level, the human body is 99.9999999% empty space so I'm thinking about setting up an Airbnb in there.

C3PO's full name is Chief 3 Purchasing Officer

Text “STOP” to stop the world and melt with me.

In hell, everyone explains your joke.

After being sequestered for several days due to snow and ice, it's refreshing to know that still not a one of you can drive.

All you babes that fawned over Eros and Psyche in middle school, how's your mask kink going?

I think my house is haunted. Must be a ghost's native eek-o-system

The older I get the more I can relate to people who live in the middle of nowhere.

I think there's a law that says you have to post a selfie after you visit the barber.

In a world full of Blanches, be a Sophia.

I will not watch the inauguration. Those demanding you should are outrage merchants who get boners from watching others suffer. Nobody needs further proof that this country is a fucken joke run by oligarchs who have convinced ignorant White people to blame immigrants, women and PoC for everything.

Hello! Is it me you're looking for? *my sanity, probably

Apparently it's a real mood killer when you grab a flashlight and put on reading glasses to find the clit.

I'm glad I'm not a superhero. I'd see the signal in the sky and say, "GODDAMMIT I JUST TOOK OFF MY SHOES. Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SCREWED."

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2008 in case I might one day need it.

I had three full jars of Flintstones™️ vitamins for supper, I better have abs in the morning.

Me: *squeezes* Ketchup bottle: Me: *squeezes harder* Ketchup bottle: Me: *squeezes even harder* Ketchup bottle: Ketchup bottle: RELEASE ALLLLLL THE KETCHUP!!!!!