I helped my neighbour out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it.... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great." I replied: “No, you're great." She's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.

I like using big words that I don't fully understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

My body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, cursed and probably haunted.

A man asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He asked for one of those. I gave him my electric bill.

Principal: Your son is always causing problems at school. Dad: He causes problems at home too, but do I call you?

When l was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and l couldn't wait to grow up and go to bed anytime l wanted. Turns out that's 9pm.

I was on a flight with my 3 kids. When a lady asked "Are all those your kids?" I replied “No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints!!"

I'm so close to becoming a billionaire! I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

77% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.

Humans are the only species that would cut down trees, make paper out of them, and then write, “Save the trees" on it.

hate when I leave stuff in my cart and don't buy it, then the company emails me like, Forget something? Yeah, I forgot I don't have $900

I'm getting old. When I tell my friends, “I picked up a hottie at the club," it means I bought a rotisserie chicken at Costco.

I'm confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living

Getting gas this morning, I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $10.00 worth. Where the were they going? To pump 4?

The human body is 60% water so really we are just cucumbers with anxiety.

A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note: "Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time".

Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.

Pre- means before, and post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

At a certain point in your life, sitting at home alone watching TV on a Friday night goes from being super depressing to the most enjoyable part of your week.

My favorite outdoor activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

I was googling about the best time to visit Japan. It is when you have money.

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

7-year-old son: You got a letter! Me: It's a bill. I owe money. 7yo: Not if you throw it away. He’s my financial planner now.

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board. I thought, "I'll give it a go."

So what if don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

I went in to a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is."

Over 200 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly. Turns out they were Wright.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.

I've started saying mucho to my Mexican friends. It means a lot to them.

Why don't dinosaurs make good pets? Because they're dead.

"What's the difference between a politician and a snail? One is slimy, a pest and leaves a noxious trail, the other is a snail.

I ran out of food and I had to steal from next door's herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer. She's going for the ribs.

"I've finally reached - The Wonder Years." Wonder where I parked the car? Wonder where I left my phone? Wonder where my glasses are? Wonder what day it is?

Why did the iPhone go to the dentist? He had a blue tooth.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "I'll have 5 beers please."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. I don't know what they saw in each other… Plus, their kids were nothing to look at either!

How do you tell the sex of an ant? You drop it in water. It sinks: girl ant. It floats:... Boy ant.

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

This morning, I was walking down the street and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a french horn. I think it was an orchestrated attack.