[Walks into bookstore] Me: Do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads.

99.99% of people are idiots. I'm just happy I belong to the 1%.

As a mom, I sleep peacefully knowing that if someone breaks in, they'll trip over my kids' toys and meet their end.

I gave my friend an apple. He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.

l've decided not to renew my prescription glasses. I've seen enough.

Two slices of bread got married. The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated. I told her it's because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest. The man enters the bank. Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage. Bank manager: I don't really care.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"

Them: what are your hobbies? Me: I love coming home and being at home…and sitting inside my home…and staying home.

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house. It's answered by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?" The kid replies, "What do you think?"

There's a potato chip truck blocking the highway. Expect de'Lays.

Black Friday Special!!! Stay at home and save 100%

One spelling mistake can ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her."

My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies. Wife: our relationship is over. Me: our relationship is what? Over.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

"Mom, when did humans start to exist?" Mom: "Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve... "But dad said we came from apes." Mom: "He was talking about his family, and I'm telling you about mine...

I renamed my toilet Jim instead of John. People are really impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim every morning.

I saw this guy chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

Of all the canoes out there... Volcanoes are the most dangerous.

Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time... Your body takes a screenshot.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Wife: I’m pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

I farted in Burger King. It was an absolute Whopper.

My wife says I get bad tempered when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey. I am still bad tempered but I'm sorry too.

Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing. She will instantly have a headache and go to sleep.

A genie granted me one wish - so I wished to be happy. Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

RIP to a friend of mine. His wife sent him out to get some sewing thread but he ended up in the bar all day. Gone but not for cotton.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? Nobody is giving me a straight answer.

I'm so old I remember when cars had bench seats and no seatbelts — and we thought that was normal!

I don't know how to use TikTok. But I can write in cursive and do long division. I can also tell time on clocks with hands.

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Today’s checklist: Clothed? Ah, sufficiently. Keys? Yep, just found 'em. Coffee cup? Full, of course. Sanity? Sanity? And we have a runner.

As a married man, I have two missions in life. To calm my wife down when she's mad and to make her mad when she's calm.

When people criticise you for being short, they're really just saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn't more of you.

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, "In a pie-eating contest, it doesn't matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie." I think about that a lot.

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without permission. That makes me sick.

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer: “You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!" The officer laughs: "Work? He only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell". The wife replies: "He told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

My favorite part of adúlting is bórrowing myself money from my own móney and paying myself back.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese, and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

What borders on insanity? Canada and Mexico....

My email password got hacked again. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They're calling it the Apollo G.

I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts. It’s called, “Leave me the fuh cologne.”

A man and his son were driving past the graveyard and the boy asked his father, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Not that I know of," answered his father. "What made you ask that?" His son replied, "Well, I saw a gravestone that read, “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."