MY SON ASKED WHY I DON’T CRY. I SAID REAL MEN ONLY CRY WHEN THE STEAK IS OVERCOOKED. HE NODDED. THAT NIGHT HE BURNED A FILET ON PURPOSE. TEARS ROLLED DOWN HIS FACE. I HANDED HIM A STEAK KNIFE AND TOLD HIM TO CARVE HIS PAIN INTO THE MEAT. HE IS EIGHT. HE IS ALREADY MORE OF A MAN THAN MOST

Crab Guitar

the funny part about US vs British [insert topic] discourse is that sometimes it's really clearly something where people on one side are very obviously taking the piss and making shit up about how things are in their country, but the other hasn't realised and just believes it completely

Me: I'm definitely not going to spend too much this month Dentist: lmao uh I mean so hey about that

What is the whole odyssey if not a penelope cruise

I TRIED TO PAY MY MORTGAGE IN RIBEYES. THE BANK SAID THIS IS NOT LEGAL TENDER. I SAID NOTHING IN YOUR BANK VAULTS IS AS TENDER AS MY STEAK. THE MANAGER CAME OUT. HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE APOLOGIZED FOR CHARGING ME INTEREST. I NOW OWN MY HOUSE MORTAGE-FREE

serving cunk

Homophobia, biphobia and transphobia have no place in Scotland. Scottish Greens will always stand with LGBTQIA+ people against hatred, discrimination and the rise of the far right. For a Scotland where everyone is free to live with dignity, safety and pride. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

I feel like I surely know someone who is going to be interested in a miniature shipping container (11.2x4.5x4.1cm) www.aliexpress.com/item/1005009... I don't have one of these to be clear, I just find the idea very cute

Crime 101 was unintentionally v funny when The Love Interest tells Our Secretive Protagonist that she knows nothing about him, except the audience also know nothing about her because she's barely a character beyond being The Love Interest (rest of it was fine tho, fun and forgettable, no regrets)

Someone pointed out that influencers use serotonin/dopamine/cortisol/oxytocin like they’re the four humors and now I can’t stop seeing it

Freya flopped next to me on the couch this morning and begin rolling about. it was adorable. i pointed it out to my wife and she said, "oh yeah, she wants bacon." and i was like, "she does a little dance for bacon every morning? she has a BACON DANCE?"

if you have a slightly silly idea then it is extremely important to completely commit to that idea BRUNCH OFF: PHASE ONE 🧵

don't be stupid, of course I'm not tipsy and somewhat introspective in the early hours of the morning ok yes, I _did_ just post on a game's Discord to ask if I correctly remembered a line of dialogue that I've been thinking about nearly every day for seven years but that's ENTIRELY unrelated

This person is a good follow on insta. They're just having fun doing their thing. www.instagram.com/reel/DYXqc1w...

oh shit Sammy P is in the cuck chair

laughing my ass off at a local club night advertising as playing "vinyl and lossless audio only" when it's in a venue with a pretty shitty sound system so they could probably be playing from _cassette_ and no one would give a shit

Fuck outta here *sighing heavily* if you ain't *visibly struggling and forcing myself to continue* down with the clown

this is extremely funny because "too right wing" is the top answer and "too left wing" is the very bottom answer, like the exact thing that every single person said would happen.

Look at this AI stealing the decent, honest job of a dominatrix

idea for wealthy philanthropist to steal: rework the Rothko Chapel to be a Rothko Watercourse so that you can jetski naked along it while _appreciating_ art yourself

Death to touchscreens

hey British friends, I could really do with some advice🧵 Those 'general health checkup/health MOT' things that private healthcare providers offer - are they largely just a scam to check your weight/blood pressure and funnel cash away from the wealthy, or are they actually any good?

Roses are red, An armoire's a dresser

This is exactly the phenomenon I was discussing in my thread yesterday (will attach below). Even if you can show a video is faked with AI, some people just don’t care - as long as it supports what they want to believe.

Holiday hookups? More like

damn, I also cannot believe the establishment and media that openly support fascists and who push fascist ideology are using antisemitic imagery and aren't calling out their fascist pals as antisemitic www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

hello yes I am into this game's aesthetic store.steampowered.com/app/4198840/...

lmao that a co-worker is giving lengthy explanations about how tired they are and how they won't be 100% today so might need a bit of support because they only got four hours sleep. trying very hard to be sympathetic and not say that's about the most I ever get 🙃🙃

Give attention!!!!!!! 🐸

carisma-studios.bandcamp.com/album/neue-z... hey this is great if you like kinda electropop-ish minimal wave stuff. it's something like how I imagine Welle: Erdball would be without their campy schtick and gimmicks if it's your thing, you'll know in the first 30 seconds

Takashi Miike's The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Crash (1996)

you know those very chatty replying-and-reposts-only accounts that always have a bit over 200 follows and followers? Is 200 the amount of follows/followers that makes bots seem real, or is it the amount that real but not overly online people gravitate to? Or both?

Gen Z will never know what it was like to milk the computer

Pretty much the only interesting thing, at all, about generative AI is that it filters out people who are actually curious and who give a fuck about things.

me: of course I'll come to your show in the Edinburgh fringe my brother: it's audience participation me: oh 😱😱 uhhhh I was there but at the back. you must have not seen me my brother: the show isn't happening until August and- me, shouting over my shoulder as I sprint away: GREAT SHOW, THANKS

quit arguing and look at this

saw on the news that there was a "morning crunch meeting" at Downing Street. that's just breakfast, you can call it breakfast

"waymo" sounds like something you'd call someone as a homophobic insult in the 90s

Is there a North American show that was broadly equivalent to Knightmare? So with a setup of someone being guided by others through a dungeon that's different each time, with puzzles etc? I want to describe something as being like Knightmare, and don't know the NA equivalent reference would be

On the one hand gentrification sucks, but on the other hand I just had some nice *heavy sigh* goat's cheese & hot honey gelato so who can really say if it's good or bad

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

The kids are alright

Imagine wearing this then taking it off to reveal an even more impressive moustache beneath

Walking down a lively street in central Leeds at 11.30pm. Guy starts playing Whigfield - Saturday Night on some speakers and all the women all along the street basically stopped dead and then immediately started doing the dance A+ British city centre night out, never change

Surely it's not just me who at first glance thought this was a picture of a darkwave/minimal synth duo?