military mom here. a murderer fell out of my pussy like twenty years ago

someone tell me if the kitty dies pls?

now reading

ack

i just achieved a personal goal that I've been working toward for years.. @interrobangbus.bsky.social finally put their tiny dog's tiny snoot into their mouth 🥹 this is truly a victory. peer pressure and incessant nagging work, kids

If the Unabomber was so smart why did he pick such a suspicious name

went to the hospital 3 times this month and rent is due tomorrow... there has never been a better time to grab a shirt 🫶

weepy dick booth at the fair next to the kissing booth and it's just a dude who lets you take a little peek at his weepy dick

Asked to see the secret menu at McDonald's and Grimace showed me his weird dick

this sale ends in 5 hours fyi

I can't stress enough how important it is to experience art with people who will allow you to feel emotions without mockery.

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills Smee

may all my homies have a peaceful and healing new year

2/5 www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

why hasn't Big Train invented some kind of air bag device for the outside of the train so when someone is on the track either by accident or trying to die by suicide via train the engineer can flip a switch and a huge tilted cylinder can inflate and scoop/shove the person sideways off the track?

5/5 (re-read) www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

3/5 www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

here are some personal favs in case you need recs

A New Year's Toast from Patricia Highsmith (and me) 🥂🥂

26% OFF THE WHOLE ASS SHOP GO BUY SOME HORROR

just stopped to get gas & the pump thing was not acknowledging my card whatsoever so i went inside to tell the guy something was wrong with it & he said "oh, i don't even know what gas stations even do that anymore, but i don't have a car so i guess I'm biased.." what.. the FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

2/5 www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

bn coworker just posted this.. i always miss out on all the excitement

ditto

Remember: When Tylenol was poisoned *by an outsider* and killed people, the company recalled all their products & redesigned them. When Intel’s Pentium had a bug so obscure it affected 1 in _9 billion_ long division calculations, they recalled their chips. ChatGPT was made deadly *by its team*.

I TOLD THEM TO PICK THIS ONE

trying to fling the weighted blanket across the bed when you have inch long fake nails should be a fear factor challenge

3/5 www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

2/5 www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

just spent like 45 minutes going down a bumper sticker rabbit hole on etsy and i fear i may need to make a purchase

I've been watching lots of Conan clips the last few days & much of it is very funny & it's nice seeing gags i used to love & forgot about but there is so so so much fatphobia & i am bumming out hard. guests mock andy to his face for being fat & fat ppl are the punchline in a lot of Conan's jokes etc

why does the oven say piss…

Opossums last night🥺

@garbagesauce.bsky.social and i are watching this right now and starting a new holiday tradition of ending christmas by watching the worst fucking christmas-themed movie on tubi that we can find

🙃🙃🙃

max actually doxxed ME?! holy shit everyone shut the fuck up it's happening

still my favorite christmas post

if i was kevin i would kill buzz with a shovel

one of my most popular designs

The doctor thinks I'm giving birth, but unbeknownst to him, I'm about to execute a delightful update to the classic "snakes in a can" prank

why aren't they throwing bread at me. what do the ducks have that i do not