the lasting effects in my family were the absolutely savage comebacks when assholes tried to pull some shit in public. Oh you wanna harass an old lady outside the deli for wearing a fur coat in the dead of winter? Hope you’re ready for a single sentence that will pierce your soul

Hi @mbrobergmoffitt.bsky.social , I recommended your cookbook to my friend who’s the mom of friend of Smöl Boy! ☀️🌈

every now and then i’ll remember a classmate i had in kindergarten who was a militant atheist. imagine hearing a 6 year old laugh and say “you think god is real??” to your teacher who simply said “thank god im not sick anymore”

rx dosage increase is kicking my ass again… or, more likely, accurately portraying my exhaustion / longterm sleep deprivation, really rude tbh

LOOK AT THIS VERY CUTE WEEKLY PILL ORGANIZER a.co/d/9AdMQ2i

Friends: does anyone practice in Kentucky? I have a Thing where Kentucky law applies to certain parts, & tbh I just have a question about how to plead entitlement to attorneys’ fees

“The thing that no one uses will fail if ppl continue to not use it” Way to threaten me with a good time

Happy 32nd anniversary of that time I had off school for an entire week bc it was -20°F

Lmao my family is like the hipsters of cutting off shitty relatives. Been doing this for decades.

My cousin has a provision in her final judgment that her kid’s school district will change to dad’s house if she ever moves. But she has a 2.99% & we have a long genetic history of surviving on spite alone, so she has committed to dying in that house 💅

Fuck this garbage. Think of all the talented artists in Glasgow who you could have chosen from to get a payday from this gig instead of the money being handed over to a slop merchant.

This kids’ Eddie Bauer “3-in-1” jacket with no way to attach the sleeves of the layers is a fucking war crime

who the fuck WANTS their posts to go viral, have you ever had that actually happen? it's like getting a winning pull on a slot machine if wasps started pouring out the bottom instead of quarters

Gary Larson: In my cartoon I invented Cow Tools as a cautionary tale Cows: At long last, we have created the Cow Tools from classic newspaper comic Cow Tools

scam alert?: I got a call showing phone # of my local Walgreens, about my rx, & asking for my DOB to “verify.” I said “…no I’m not giving that info, I wasn’t expecting this call, what is this regarding?” And they wouldn’t give more info, just said “ok you can call your local store for more info.” …

Trying a new-old strategy for time management. it’s a thing i used in LS. Giving it a couple months to see if it still works.

This is literally what I've been writing and podcasting about for years. I was planning to do an essay on this, but here's a 🧵. The main reason is psychology. Due to personal, family, and cultural histories, some people are inherently scared of the world.

Share a television show that raised you: (I mean I had no TV for the first decade of my life but in terms of a formative show at a formative time)

“It DoEsn’T gEt EaSiEr”— shut the fuck up, 5 is great

So incredibly proud of Smöl Boy: he’s just doing stuff on his own, I’m sitting on the couch and he’s also brought me cheese

Today is National Thesaurus Day. Personally, we find these made-up holidays contemptible, abhorrent, nauseating, repugnant, and unpalatable.

Smöl Boy: nooooo I don’t want to go to a park Also Smöl Boy: parkour jumping over me and 💗Muffin on the couch

My home rivers: Chagrin, and, very separately, Ashley & Stono

Smöl Boy has a little bestie at aftercare who is a grade younger (in PreK), and they just adore each other, seems like a big bro little bro kinda deal, and also the kid’s mom seems cool, always a positive. But it’s so funny that they are barely a year apart but Smöl Boy is like a full foot taller 😹

I unironically love the silly hamster maze YouTube videos. The tiny sets are INCREDIBLE. We just watched one with levels reminiscent of the original Sonic the Hedgehog games

once again done with books, no point in reading anything else, nothing will ever top this (until Alix E. Harrow writes another one)

I love reminding Smöl Boy that all Lego mini figures are the same size, so Bluey needs a star ship, and also I can do this:

“What’s it like when your kid basically has their own YouTube account?”

Valid. 🦉

More than 200,000 Danish citizens have signed a petition to buy California as a response to Trump’s attempt to take Greenland. They say they will provide Californians with “rule of law, universal health care, fact-based politics, and a lifetime supply of Danish pastries.”

8 y/o & i are both sick so i told her "i'm going to have some tylenol like you just did" & she said "oh what flavor is yours" & i said "just the regular adult kind you swallow, no flavor" & she looked so utterly sad for me

the other day my 8yo said Spanish was his third language. then he counted "uno, dos, tres..." all the way up to "nueve" and then said "uh, i forget." i said "diez?" and this kid straight up replied "diez nuts"

Frfr. It’s wild bc lol clearly they just hate properly seasoned food and interesting fried things. U hate falafel? Sucks for you bro, can’t relate

#JournoRequest: I’m looking to interview older gay and bi men (60+ ideally) about Heated Rivalry for a potential story.

Lego magazine: “15 years of Lego Ninjago! introduced 2011.” Me: 2011? 15 yrs ago??? wow rude

I'm wearing a sweatshirt with a giant yellow lab on it that says MOLTO BENE over it, black fleece leggings, and slippers and thinking of that random DudeBrahLawyer back on Twitter/X that always talked about how lawyers needed to dress in suits to do our best work

“Hundredth day of school mystery bag! Put 100 objects in the bag & write clues!” Brb tossing in two fresh 50-count Post-It pads & calling it a day. Next.

I am prob the only person on earth who’s excited for tariffs on a cooking oil lollllllll Yes bring back corn and soybean oils kthx (fully selfishly, and I love seed oils, I just cannot digest exactly 1 type that’s in everything bc it’s the cheapest one)

My former neighbor is 95 years old and sends us a Christmas card every year in reply to our holiday card 🩷 she saw Smöl Boy grow up, from a tiny baby to 3½ (when we moved). She’s so sweet and also has zero patience for bullshit, so we appreciate her updates on the former neighborhood 😹

In April 2024, Spotify implemented a new scheme: songs with less than 1k streams per year would no longer receive royalties. The data for 2025 was just released via Luminate, and 88% of songs have been demonetized. Read it again: 88% of songs on Spotify have been demonetized.

I need a hot chocolate or a bailey’s in a waffetto nnnnnneow!!!!

Nature valentines. This comic is now available as a set of 6 Valentines cards: topatoco.com/collections/...

wikipedia turns 25 today! the last unenshittified major website! backbone of online info! triumph of humanity! powered by urge of unpaid randos to correct each other! somehow mostly reliable! "good thing wikipedia works in practice, because it sure doesn't work in theory" - old wiki adage

The “e” in “email” stands for “evidence.”

The fat-free 90s were a scourge on nutrition. Grew up with 1% milk. I‘d never had *whole* milk until early high school when my stepmom got it for my toddler sister… I was like Bluey eating the regular-sugar ketchup for the first time 🤩

Lmao, joke’s on me, my high school went by Shaker Hts closures, and they plow their sidewalks so they NEVER closed. I later lived in Shaker as a kind-of adult, & only ONCE ever saw the plowed sidewalk being used: by A DEER.

Downloaded a bunch of cute little puzzle games & havinga lovely time with them. One fun sub-game to play is “taking short breaks away from my phone while the ads play”

Fight Nazis, fuck ICE. Also, Heated Rivalry and Tom Goldstein. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/l...

When you aren't moving fast enough with that glucosamine chewy ☹️