here's a free one. mouse that says "a slice of cheese for meese for i seese" whenever they see: cheese

they invent new types of celibacy every day now i swear

name your daughter Ataxia. who even cares

doing some really important reading

reading the phrase "Infant Attachment Researchers" and imagining a couple scientists playing this but with an infant in a velcro suit

"keep going i'm gonna cum"

okay i just finished listening to every song ever made and i'm ready to make some music! i sure hope nobody releases any music while i'm making mine otherwise i'll never catch up

Yesterday Jacob did a freelance weld job at a cafe and a barista asked "is that nitrous oxide?" (gas tank) and after Jacob nicely explained argon for like a whole minute the barista without skipping a beat replied "yeah cool you ever done nitrous"

i get dressed just like everyone else – by being suspended from hooks and dipped into a vat of liquid latex that cools into a watertight suit around my body

submitting my article to pitchfork titled "do we need to bring back filter house?" where i lay out the thorough and complex argument within: no.

going to the dyke bar to get my five daily servings of fruit

Thanks 4: The Heads Up

hard of hearing and fat of ass

so you're telling me if i want to make friends with rats, this is a good way to do it?

tragic loss of social media darlings the Tripoli Triplets leaves the world in shock as fans share heartwarming memories “they were just three guys” says one fan. “there were definitely three of them” another says and someone at their memorial said through tears “they all three were different people”

internet forum that revolutionized the butchering industry SomethingOffal has seen user signups dwindling on account of the smell

my cat just put her paw on my chest and said “ruthkanda forever” does anyone want a cat

its traipsing tuesday! don’t forget to let your feet take you wherever they may lead!

i get dressed just like everyone else – by being suspended from hooks and dipped into a vat of liquid latex that cools into a watertight suit around my body

all my closest friends say the same thing about me: that i’m a flight risk 🥰

a tale of two clitties by charles dickings

inventing a new type of roller derby that is played in a velodrome with rocket skates

its true

guys I put together a mixtape of drill vocals/improvised folk guitar jess-on.bandcamp.com/album/murder...

Debian is such a pretty name for a girl

you’re telling me you’re in Tangible and she still can’t feel it? idk if that’s much i can do to help you out if that’s the case

playing that new game buckwheat roulette

ceci n’est pas une pipe bro, it’s a fucking bong, there’s a difference

crazy that on a show called Total Request Live people only ever requested music videos. it says right in the name that you can request whatever you want

i’m always able to tell someone what the closest bug is to them, just in case you ever need that

its that time

epic rap battles of history Plato vs a Plucked Chicken

if i do get an orchi and i do get to keep my balls i should cast them in bronze and hang them from my truck

the rapper tech n9ne picked that name because of how many tech decks he owns

the word “babbling” is used to describe brooks because if you really get your head down in there they can speak every language

ok no feelings again back to da jokes baybee pagliacci mode 😎

i’m gonna make an exception to my no posting about feelings rule because i feel like it’s important to own this, write it out, whatever. maybe i’ll delete it whatever i don’t care. CW sexual assault or whatever. three years ago i was raped. i’m sure a lot of people who follow me know who it was but

Not my son going "hello coffee stain" to the rug in the kitchen every time he comes in here

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, is that just, like, free wood? Can just anyone take that and it’s cool?

cassowary eating human meat video

Me before I get turned into a pool toy and get inflated big and round

*RXKNephew voice* why yo Britta filter next to yo toilet

if the main character of the day has less followers than me, a mentally ill horse that makes jokes, i feel nothing but pity

if you don’t say sentient as “sen chint” idk how long our friendship can last

oh, your pronouns are she/her? that's cool. what are you doing later

a vagina is sometimes called a "beaver" because of the profound way in which it alters its ecosystem

“trial by fire” mmm not really my thing can we do trial by air?