mitch mcconnell returns to work with stark black veins running beneath his skin. occasionally he is glimpsed taking a tiny pulsating lump out of his pocket and smiling oddly at it in his cupped palm

in terms of personal preference setting the AC at 78 would be like setting the heat in winter at 58. just wouldn't be able to allow it given any more comfortable alternatives. the whole point of the machine is that it can do better than that

YGLESIAS: ok it's call it a melp, a melking pop. a melling pop? am i supposed to know what that is? i usedta had a pop-pop. he wasnt melking he had white hairs on his head. DEMSAS: i smelled a soda pop and it burn my nose. if you really breathe it and the fizz. YGLESIAS: is it?

minions co-creator explains that the minions never escaped the cave: "our reality is their dying dream"

you get the fuck away from me, patrick duffy.

"when state police found em, truck and trailer had been sitting out in the sun for three days." we hand around the jar of vicks vaporub "you don't need to see this or smell this," i tell the rookie before throwing open the doors to reveal an amorphous mass of ten thousand melted yankee candles

The only way RFK's behavior forms a coherent philosophy is if you assume he's trying to kill the most people he can without getting in trouble

i miss cohost man

this just happened again re: the bottle of cologne i've been wearing for 20 years

no, a "centrist" would respond to the left moving farther left by moving slightly left; you know, to the new center. what you're doing is the original meaning of "conservatism"

despite my advanced degrees in comparative magicology, i am most frequently seen doing a 1d4 damage melee attack with my stupid little staff

Happy one year to this skeet

james carville threatens to stop licensing his likeness and kinematics to horror effects studios

in the hospital after stepping on an ant who did a frame-perfect parry

a fifth of leave voters have been reincarnated as simple autotrophs, once again getting what they demanded but not what they thought they were being promised

sure the democrats constantly asked for all those donations to "stop trump" but we meant more like for a gentle cushion to break his fall. not this. never this

people are saying the 79-year-old approved for obesity treatment is obviously trump but i think it's more likely to have been merely an intriguing vagabond with a wealth of stories. we've gotta keep those folks around

lrs

The Tootsie Pop owl. What is there to say? To hand down cruelty so casually in the face of a child. To count down the expression of his avarice with such swiftness there is no time to process it. Our nation's children have so few joys, yet he chooses to be one more siphon of happiness. Disgusting.

Del Tacorune

(gremlin agreeing with you) say it louder for the people in my back

i watched circus show yesterday and the character that made me laugh the most was the disappearing guy, (engages Media Literacy Mode) therefore it was a good show about how the disappearing guy is always morally correct.

happy 3rd birthday to Sonic the Hedgehog! congratulations to the SEGA corporation on their newest or should i say "bluest" mascot. and more importantly, a second Conic game is coming soon. look out, Chuck Rock!

me: ahh, i tried playing Heaven's Vault but it's all the annoying parts of point-and-click adventure -- slow travel, slow talking, backtracking, character takes forever to figure things out, barely any actual puzzles my brain: disco elysium me: (madder than i've ever been) SUHT the FUCK UP

great news for people who don't eat food

"another nana disappeared. so grandson carries a cage. he ever has his cage. and nana's never coming back. so come into the cage, and become nana's shade"

ME: the reed that bends in the wind is stronger than the oak that breaks in a storm DENTIST: (gingerly flexing my teeth with a probe) that still doesn't entirely explain what i'm seeing

DALE GRIBBLE: a giant potato (conspiratorially) or what looked like one

the construction crew has now finished assembling the twenty-ninth level of scaffolding. no one knows where the new pieces are coming from. their tools long forgotten far below

just tuned in to the livestream . . . theres a whole crew removing donald trump's name from epstein island

keep honking, i'm beset by perceptual distortions

(five minutes after everyone cheers for me and applauds and lifts me up on their shoulders and carries me to a big statue of me they made) i fucking suck

using the "i don't care, just spit something out" machine and getting mad when everyone accurately guesses i didn't care about whatever the machine spit out

please feel free to invite me to a group chat! I will reply once or twice and then guiltily vanish forever! nothing personal I'm just bad at saying "no thank you, I am already ignoring ten Discord servers, two Telegram groups, eight Signal chats, and I think I'm still technically on Facebook"

innerspace red vs. blue

some people will say it's no big deal to pee in the shower and then you find out they have their clothes off and the water running. whatever happened to having the courage of your convictions

grimly fascinating how trump is chiefly animated by his fear of dying without leaving a lasting mark, but he's so devoid of humanity, so spiritually corroded, the idea of something that lasts because people WANT IT TO never crosses his mind. he can only imagine leaving a wreckage too heavy to move

Max Payne Narration: It was Mr. McGregg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for leg. McGregg: [gritted teeth] Remember me, Payne?!

you know how in movies they do some guy's head blowing up with practical effects and you can catch a split second glimpse of the dummy head they made to look like the guy before it pops? that quick cut? that's what every photo of sam altman looks like to me

i ping-pong wildly between "everything is petty cruelty except for petty cruelty, which is fine" and "everything is being mildly temporarily inconvenienced, except being mildly temporarily inconvenienced, which is evil" and *I POST*

variety is actually a bunch of different stuff of life

GREG DAVIES: seems like a kind of a shit task. Everyone just seems like they're going home normally. ALEX HORNE: well before you say that let's have a look at how Odysseus did. cut to panel of AJAX, MENELAUS, AGAMEMNON, and DIOMEDES who are all staring at ODYSSEUS with his head in his hands

we have to admit that certain techniques and styles have been lost

pretty cool how when they say "bunker" everybody perceives it as "ballroom"

i know snl is far from its heyday. but they just let will ferrell make an extremely exaggerated grimace and call it satire