the main experience of adulthood is saying “why do i have to do this again i did it last week” about a thing that needs to be done every week and which you havent actually done in 3

i hope my liver hurts due to taking valerian for too long because if it's anything else, boy that's gonna suck

One of the greatest, Bruce Campbell, announcing he has cancer. Our hearts are with you Bruce, Hail to the King.

2000: Girls are gettin' stoopid by Madden House Party 2010: Everything's Great for Me by Hedgfund Nepocase and the Stomp Clappers

i'm nervous for my job interview tomorrow. i'm the interviewer

sources report that trump administration officials worry that the situation could still potentially spiral into control

at 0737 hours, observation satellites confirmed suspicions that person of interest is in possession of a bald spot despite UN inspectors attesting otherwise. at 1040 hours subject was photographed entering the Two Mirrors Lab holding a comb. we expect the situation to devolve rapidly

wow... technology may soon become so advanced that transactions won't require a middle man at all

It’s crazy that it’s basically just a combination of the single worst most disastrous parts of every administration in history

trying very hard to keep the Sentences in at the moment,

they should make a third amount of time between "plenty to spare don't worry about it" and "fuck fuck i'm gonna be late"

hey i like digital watches

walked in to work through the blizzard with the wind at my back and no one was there so i walked home with the wind in my face. THEN called my boss and found out they were running late. your nominee for the triple dumbass award

it's not fair that my lower back gets to just go "fuck you. it hurts you to stand up now. walk like an elderly man for a while" why don't i get to smite my constituent parts. i'm supposed to be in charge here

love when there's an article about how life is sustainable in the superheated waters surrounding a hydrothermal volcanic fissure on the ocean floor and then like six paragraphs in you find out the author's parents are chemosynthetic bacteria 🙄

how i imagine the person responding to an email containing more than one question with "ok sounds good"

the jerk store called. they're running out. they're all running out. they're spilling from the doors and windows, clambering and stepping over each other to gain the slightest advantage

see it was all worth it

BLABE (PG) A piglet learns to slay vampire sheep under the tutelage of a gruff farmer and munitions expert (James Jamestofferwell). ★★

i finished the gigantic spreadsheet report that haunted my delirium

BREAKING: Former Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has been admitted to Walter Reed Medical Center for an emergency injection of Garfield Hentai.

got diced in the resident evil laser hallway a few days ago and i've been a little lucky sure but i've been really careful too. still, i know it's only a matter of time before a bump or jostle makes me cubes on the floor

this guy repeated what i said and it sounded really lame for some reason. clearly intentional disrespect

it's just the thin edge of the wedge! why are you complaining about it? It's just the thin edge going a little further in, just a slightly wider part of the wedge! Stop complaining like you're split in half! It's just the middle of the wedge, why are you complaining like you're being split in hal

this explains all the missing likes on my posts. but bsky must be becoming insanely good at it because even if i check with outside tools the likes aren't showing up

I miss the blogspot music days. You would be like hey guys I just found a new blogspot and it’s full of these obscure Hungarian prog albums you can download and then all your friends would be like “shut up,” and “fuck you”

Every business right now thinks its such an essential part of your life that you'd give them anything to keep using it and brother I am here to tell you I don't need a chat app that bad

sick since thursday night and my restless fever dreams were all, 100%, about doing the spreadsheets i've been chained to recently at work

for those of you who still don't think Trump is bad... check the receipt for all your super bowl candy

SETH ROGEN IN ALTERNATE 2004 WHERE JUDD APATOW FILMS ARE HOMONORMATIVE: you know how i know you're straight?

🎶 if you're lost you can look and you will find me

alternating between fascist, antisemitic eugenics and "y everybod hate me :'( "

ENVOY OF THE ARCHDEMON: my master has much interest in you...and invites you to discuss the nature of power ELON: and how exactly would that help me build a rocket. pass ENVOY: w. wh-

[Guy who's bad at evidence-based medicine] Physics is fake because no physics experiment in all of history has ever used a control universe with randomized laws

not red enough and it barely even looks like a flag

marshaling 99% of my mind

scammed again

i was just practicing my bowed cymbal for a few hours and i come out here and everyone's becoming sinister and observing horrors and whatnot. what happened

after all we've learned this reads as sour grapes

BULLSHIT BOSTON LAWYER

OVEREXTENDED EMPLOYEE WIN: the boss has compromised by taking all the flow-state-inducing "breather" tasks off my plate and leaving me with just the difficult and tedious

i implemented this. then i weighted all criticism of the criticism, all criticism of THAT criticism, and so on in an infinite series. turns out the objective math agrees with what i already thought

DEVELOPING: Greg Bovino's condition is unknown after having clambered into a badger's den. Reports from the scene indicate he may have been hornswoggled by a slick-talking frog in a top hat and spats, who claimed the den contained "crumbs aplenty"