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as a constitutional originalist i stay true to our founders' idea of America as a sinister beacon luring victims to wastelands littered with corpses and shambling skeletal living ghosts. a pitcher plant so sickly sweet in smell you notice far too late the great mound of rotting flesh it grows from 🇺🇸

someone posted about my workplace on reddit today and over the course of about six hours the president went from "what the hell is a reddit" to being obsessed with upvotes

sick of the guy with the Chinese warlord bit, sorry. some of the most annoying good posting i've seen since Laissez's Fair

all the microstrokes in his brain are unionizing. it's communism in there

i'm so confident that no one recorded me saying this that i will risk, uh, fifty four cents and half a "Charleston Chew" (vanilla)

new "fake bus stop in front of nursing home" just dropped

Imagine if Schumer dies and you know about it precisely when it happens because a racist married couple from Long Island starts talking in your head and saying that since Chuck died you're responsible for them now

I have decided: I don't need to know that the shipping label was created. Keep me in the dark on that. Come back to me when something real is happening

former Vice President Dick Cheney has died. He is survived by over 300 pulsating egg sacs and is expected to stop moving soon

Me: the side effects list says “changes in dreams” what does this mean? Doctor: yes there are two possibilities. If you find yourself in the “abode of stones” we can work with that, but if your dreams are staged in the “blood neighborhood” you have to call me Me: how will I know? Dr: you’ll know

heads up! you just clicked on a hyperlink, which might take you to another, different website! and though this is both formally and structurally integral to the medium of fucking websites we think this is probably! a bad idea!!!

HEARTBREAKING: Post-It Writer No Longer Knows What Post-It Fucking Talking About

In Japan, the name Chewbacca translates into "Kiss Idiot"

"How Do Adventurers Die?" Source: QuestBusters, March 1988.

has anyone tried going into the ethereal plane to convert the Baileys directly? i've got some psychic projections of socialist literature to give to them

You cook the bacon. Not enough ventilation... The pan gives off clouds of smoke! You are coughing! The clown is coughing! The dog is coughing! "IIIIT'S BACON!" The smell drives the dog into a frenzy! The dog bites the clown for 5 points of damage. The dog bites the clown for 8 points of damage. The

Hey, man, I saw your skull and your armor and just wanted to know which dark lord reanimated you. You know your hauberk's on backwards, right? There's a divine prohibition against undead imitating animated skeletons. Whose mana is sustaining you? You get that spear from the surplus store?

I just watched this 500 times in a row and felt all my psychic wounds close like wolverine

talking to the warehouse guys today i said "i was working in the lab," realized midphrase what i was saying and followed it up with "late one night" in the monster mash voice and nothing. got no reaction from the warehouse guys

me: haha, ok, we did our tooth brushing and your jammies are on, no more stalling, it's time for bed the merchant from resident evil 4:

I was watching The Wrong Guy (1998) and when Enrico Colantoni letting Dave Foley hitchhike starts listing every conspiracy theory he believes and says Kennedy never got shot, his head "just did that" i spit took. I felt like I just dug up a caveman wearing a casio wrist watch. that's our joke

OUR OWN "Little Don't" (Donut) Bitty Bites, Drizzled, Dazzled and Bedraggled with "Granny's Famous" Zyn Ganache - UMMMM!

Seems like Hard Times/Hard Drive is 404ing. Dunno if it will be back, but I’ll take the excuse to post some of my favorite stories I wrote for them a few years back:

sharing a laugh of true bonhomie as we realize we've each independently conceived and built a matter annihilator beam to use on the other

finally watched slumdog millionaire. i get why it was a phenomenon, it didn't at all go where i expected. i was on the edge of my seat for basically everything after the game show host goes "help me slumdog i'm stuck!"

trader joe's pumpkin pie is salty as hell. why did joe do that

(Coach Z voice)

Maybe It Happens Every Day

a guy whose brain is stuck in "the japanese are beating us in cars" era and believes groceries are an old fashioned concept doubled the price of shit simply because he has the brain of a dog

it would be a more grounded and meaningful use of your life to crouch over a bustling anthill and imagine you're ordering their every action

Platner appears to have settled on "it's frankly cruel i was expected to understand there were *standards*" and i hate that i can see that angle having legs

For other uses, see 𝘌𝘭𝘰𝘯 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘴 (𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯).

Jumped outta my skin to a loud slap at my bay window. It was Joy Behar. She moaned "Sandra Oh reflects on life, love and family as the daughter of Korean immigrants after this" and shambled away. I pulled open the curtain. The street was choked and crawling with current and former hosts of The View.

i want to see other CEOs in the Jurassic Park universe. show me the bread company with a wetworks team planning to create a new ice age so that more people will make toast.

Hey kiddo, can't sleep? I know you're scared by these uncertain times. For $7 a month, gain access to unlimited Dad. Tuck-ins, reassurance, daily Dad games.

TRUMP: These are some bad folks, ok? They're backtracking into hallways, they're getting the agents one at a time, they're saying you can't surround me on eight squares, and that's what's happening. And they're engraving Elbereth right on the floor and they're being very nasty about it.

Alf Back In Pog Form

i have such disdain for anyone who acts like knowing the symbols a fascist uses to identify himself to the world is somehow more suspicious than the fascist wearing the symbol

me at 6:30 am: damn i'd do just about anything to sleep for two more hours my brain: interesting. would you go to bed two hours earlier me: no. FUCK no.

"your pet skeletons are digging up the yard again" that's how they get into and out of their graves you dumb son of a bitch

Mr. Wraps-your-bandages-too-tight

millennials are killing the being trapped on a ladder by enemies both descending from the top and ascending from the bottom industry

this week at work every time i think "great now i can get back to That Thing I Need To Do" i'm less than ten seconds away from a new, higher priority thing landing on me. perfectly calibrated insane making machine

did anybody check to see if JD was still in there before they started exploding the east wing into carcinogenic powder

never realized that twilight zone ep was about if everyone looked like babe ruth

all day meetings are low key goated when getting nothing done and watching 80 emails hit your inbox is the vibe

mr president, as you know i've been wrecking the shit out of the white house basement like you ordered, and i discovered a pristine cask of liberal tears hidden behind one of the walls. why don't you follow me down

"i did it... the highest count... i'm the healthiest... man... i will live... for...forev..." and with that the desiccated husk of Bryan Johnson dies. ok and none of you are in stealth so the one quadrillion sperm cells golem immediately attacks, i'm going to need you to roll initiative