this framing probably plays better than "i can produce negative one gigawatt of energy per week, per week"

i thought we were at common sense ten compromises ago but they're still yelling about this?? so we must not be there yet. stands to reason that if we were at the common sense opinion they'd stop demanding more and i'd stop giving it to them

Haha I'm being Raptured! This is wonderful, ha ha goodbye losers [It is revealed that the events of the film Nope are happening to me] fuck shit

there's a rumor there are no cats in America, no cats. it was on the news about a family. they did it the right way folks, Ellis Island, beautiful.

give him a break. he knows it as paracetamol because of all his trips to foreign islands

somebody stole my painting of Charlie with Hillary's face. i'm sure it'll turn up

If your big centrist idea is that progressives should move to the right while conservatives should keep doing whatever they feel like all the time I have news about which side you're on that will feel shocking and upsetting and defamatory to you and to absolutely nobody else

i don't think anyone has ever hated the american economy more than this guy

you can't act like god's perfect field mouse and not expect little bunny foo foo to bop you on the head

i'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, forming semiaccurate traumatic memories later incorporated in the development of the alien menace Giygas

me: you promised not to read any iamb followed by two amphibrachs like "it's the remix to ignition" anymore my brain: ♪ playTESted HOUSE of neCROsis ♪

you shouldn't celebrate anyone's death. even biffo the bear. actually hold on i'm reconsidering some things

jafarry seinfeld: i got thwarted the other day. everybody's thwarting these days. you thwart me, i thwart you. whatever happened to a good old fashioned scheme? less thwarts, more schemes! you need the scheme... to thwart! (high-pitched, plaintive) let me scheme!!

using this new toothpaste with nanotechnology. have to admit it works great, although i have been spending a lot more time looking for matter to reorganize into self-replicating teeth

drank so much coffee today it injured my self-esteem. i am thrumming with power and yet perceive myself as a mummified fly on a windowsill. the paradox of caffeine

guy who finds out about charlie kirk's death because of the observed moment of silence at the roller rink

so here's how this turned out: the way it obviously would (i am currently updating hundreds of labels)

the disney corporation has captured a real fairy godmother and has a secret research program to grow a child in a vat that will wish for shareholder value

i am one of three people at work who slept through our alarms this morning, and it's not a big office

Lord, grant me a life off the computer... but not yet

i saw a bunch of junk glimmering all over at tannhäuser gate too but it didn't seem worth mentioning

why is everyone so wretched and hateful to me. i've never been violent to anyone in my life. in my LIFE. anyway boosting this spreadsheet of people's names, locations and employers and calling them the true lurking threat that Something Must Be Done To Stop

DOCTOR: Now, this isn't something anyone hopes to see on a scan. But it is interesting. And it is growing.

it's a shame that we may never know any of the things charlie kirk said or believed. clearly a lot of people in prestige media and the executive branch shared his convictions. unfortunately they won't repeat or describe any of them for some reason. perhaps a fight club type of rule

*with a gun to my head* I just worry that those commenting on this situation are being dismissive of the simple, decent humanity of the gun to my head and call upon everybody to turn the temperature down so that the finger can, in the spirit of comity and bipartisanship, gently squeeze the trigger

You have. Thirty-one. Messages. First message. "yeah, it's Kash, i'm stuck in the hotel room toilet--" Deleted. Next message. "a duck stole my badge and--" Deleted. Next message. "are we supposed to have, uh, luggage?" Deleted. Next message. "ok, uh, we're both stuck in separate toilets--" Deleted.

we're going to have more AI president and no one's going to say anything huh

when they go low, we go high. i'm sure the underlog flat fucks of Lowland who plot to destroy everything that exists above them will respect how high i can go,, eventually

I've got "who?" and "the diaper guy?" ready to go but i work in an office with an average age of 67 so it'll be a shock if i have to deploy either

the training course i'm doing is talking about how the teacher-centered pedagogical method of "lecture, quiz, immediately move on so they'll forget what they just crammed" is demonstrably poor for teaching adults and gee you're so close buddy,

(making an extremely constipated "serious thought" face) pretty suspicious that so much evidence linking elites to a pedophile blackmailer would come out after the pedophile blackmailer died

"no loads refused"

(five minutes after everyone cheers for me and applauds and lifts me up on their shoulders and carries me to a big statue of me they made) i fucking suck

FBI DIRECTOR: mr trump, the bureau needs your help. see, there's this prolific child rapist and human trafficker who we wanna take down and then pull some strings for in order to ensure he receives the lightest possible punishment TRUMP: i had no idea jeff was doing that stuff. you said jeff right

hauling ass outta the MRAP, digging up an IED like a truffle pig, and starting up a quick game of Snake on the Nokia detonator phone to the confusion of some nearby insurgents

he looks like a looney tunes visual gag. like someone dropped a commercial washing machine on him and he just climbs out the hatch looking like this and finishes asking his question.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE: your limits are looking very defined today sir. solid as ever TRUMP: (liquidly, from concave bed) glawb AIDE: i'm sorry Mr. President, can you form your mouths just a little better

saw that they're charging $15 for pancakes now and i guess i'm not going out to breakfast anymore. i remember the old days too well and it's only going to get worse. put me on the landfill

Thinking about one of my favorite getfiscal tweets

after a long, private battle with the arc of the moral universe,

we're traversing a vast plain, maybe it's all just for me, i don't know, it's the vastest and most featureless plain and we're traversing it very strongly. and the stars are moving fast overhead, some would say too fast, slow down they'd say but it doesn't bother me one bit

(reading the new york times tomorrow) wow. never knew somebody could die of 5,000 fire ant bites on his anus

i love my job where i do algebra and the algebra is mostly correct and everyone thinks i'm a genius

Chemical Safety Board narration over Andy Dufresne escaping Shawshank

People are delaying making good posts to avoid competing with Silksong

mark cuban about one ratioed post away from calling out discrimination against 'persons of billion'

mom says it's my turn to nestle underground, become an atavism, and menace backpackers who've ventured too far from the playpen of their privilege in an '00s movie

you used to be able to get a day's entertainment out of simple, homestyle, hand-spun artisanal bullshit but now people just go "did chatgpt write this?" and add you to a "probable bots" block list

AI Advocates Warn That Ruining AI Industry Actually Pretty Straightforward, Justifiable