i'm ok with things being printed in monochrome by default. just i would like to be able to say "print this one thing in color though" without going on Gulliver's Travels through a printer company's idea of UI

SCP Wiki Users Review Getting Actually Punched In The Stomach - love the format screw! +1 - gets really scary the more you think about it. Thanks - my interpretation: [spoiler block of 830 words about how they *didn't* get punched in the stomach] am i on the right track?

it may appear to be a cute mascot-like robot going around and asking people for donations of worthless bio sludge.. but in truth it is one appendage among millions of a gigantic predictive economy-controlling computer that was accidentally weighted 100000x toward accumulating worthless bio sludge

just found out they built a machine that can put a staple through a stack of papers faster than any human can do it with their fingers. has cnn heard about this

DMX's X Gon' Give It To Ya but it's just him barking and growling and going "yeah" for the entire 3 and a half minutes

every day when i go into work i love to think some dumb bullshit like "[this thing i need to do] should only take a couple hours." i mean i didn't finish that thing on friday but i'm pretty well set up for finishing it tomorrow. should only take a couple hours

i'm also expecting a child. withm my wife, uh, Coppertonetta Berifiable

hey so uh. we put the president in the medbed like usual but some joker had the pillow sitting on the foot end and, well. you're not gonna wanna go in there

they're shaving off slices of school bus seat foam for the soldiers to eat

keep honking, i'm beset by perceptual distortions

I am very close to putting my finger on the common factor in the statistically unlikely number of times Dave Chappelle has had a crisis over realizing dumb assholes think he's funny

saw i had 30+ notifications and braced for impact. fortunately it was just bluesky deciding every notification i'd ever received was new and unread so no need for a heart attack 👍

hate it when i get Spirited Away

using incoming spam email as a magic 8 ball, based on whether it's Carrot ("We Value Your Opinion," "Spring Discounts Are Here!") or Stick ("Our Policies Have Changed.")

PEASANTS: dracula is killing us. he drains our blood nightly JULIAN: (shaking head) how dare you. he is a Dasher

actually warehouse employees burn their workplaces down all the time. its normal. you're just noticing now because of the media hype

current status of beltway reporting

Arrogance will be all of your downfall. I'm sitting at the top of my tower

moves of the dance: - implement a policy with obvious bad outcomes - wait for the people who will actualize those bad outcomes to do so with the frothing zeal of people who feel like they're "winning" - they clear a space for you - say "wait a minute! Look at these bad outcomes" and rug pull them

[INT. MIND PALACE] the word TURDS appears in front of me. i swat it away. it is quickly replaced by TURDS in a different font.

these shoes have lasted forever and been so goddamn comfortable but they finally need replacing (a quick google reveals that they were made for a period of two months in 2014 and sold mostly at a now-defunct movie theater chain as a joke)

I was watching a compilation of Jeopardy questions on YouTube and knew the first one and did a little celebratory fist pump and it turned out it was a question from kids week so it immediately cut to an 8 year old knowing the answer

this reminded me that a few years ago, my neighbor to the side's car was badly sideswiped while it was parked directly in front of my place. and the people most aggravated at learning i didn't have any cameras to catch it were the neighbors across the street, who'd have been constantly surveilled

i develop new clothes for emperors and recently we've come up with garments that are frankly too resplendent to allow into the retinas of the public

word of warning everyone! this scammer has switched up to some smarter tactics. i just paid 'Jesse' $500 not to be on Bullseye

was directed to test some customer material that stank of decay today and the occasional whiff of corpse for the rest of the afternoon was an interesting stressor to layer on top of The News

situation: there is a tiny ink stain on my pants from my pen response: i'll use the lab ethanol to lift it. like chromatography situation: there is a 1 cm ink stain on my pants surrounded by a 1.5 cm radius of faded color surrounded by a line of strong color response: ...like chromatography...

logging on

*crests the moon* hey dudes

(agreeing) from your hands to god's junk

a lot of younger people don't know that before big corporations drove out the competition, you could go to a local mom and pop shop to get your data breached. they'd send their most lopsided son Rodney to follow you around and get a glimpse of your social security number

(knowing that i have to allow myself the reward, invent the reward, bankroll the reward, assemble the reward, and present the reward) hmm i thought at the end of this week there would be a reward

who up harrowing hell

i need a twelve day weekend. i need a bed with piles of blankets that doesn't get too hot. i need a bag of immortal onions for a meal i'll plan next year. it's all moving too fast

clown getting the end of his handkerchief caught in a lathe and standing there doing a big exaggerated frown as it flies out of his pocket for like a full minute

car was giving me trouble but i made it to the kennedy space center just in time! gotta get changed

its funny how my friends will always be capable of feats of sublime self-reinvention and growth whether they know it or not but the portcullis of time slammed on every one of my horizons a mere ten seconds ago

possible to get fired for acting weird off-putting guy at work get fired how long timeline answering questions too good get fired unemployment benefits for weird guy fired weird guy at work union

The killer seems to have tried to hide the body, almost as if they knew committing murder would get them in trouble

sorry to his fans but it's easy to see why they didn't cast him. he's just standing there completely still with a big triangle in a circle on his face

A powerful woman once said "Bluetooth On… Pairing" and we'd do well to remember that

i'm sick again. which means i can do this

remembered doing this