Skipped right past being the Mom Friend and instead became the Somebody’s Ethnic Great Aunt Friend

The Tudors are the goldendoodles of history. I don’t need to care about them, everyone who is less smart than me already cares about them too much

just found out there's a Butthole Cut of Hamnet where they all have realistic CGI buttholes

However It Happens will be welcome, but I think the most unsatisfying would be pills

No one cares about me contributing to any discourse but I will say this: Lindy, girl. The call is coming from inside the house.

It’s ok, we already know what every espresso martini looks like. No need to post

Cybertruck owners are starting to look sad when I flip them off. This only makes me flip them off harder

I respect anyone’s right to wear busy patterns but some of you have got to consider the inebriated amongst us

I hate that the sparkle icon is shorthand for AI. They want us to think it’s magic. Fuck you!!! Magic is when you lose a glob of mustard from your sandwich but it doesn’t land on you. When you win at 20 questions. Sparkles belong to Liberace. A baby’s smiling eyes. I will put you in the ground!!!!!!

Need a woman I can call supreme leader

Falafel? more like falawsome

People who use the term “Disney magic” should have to pay more to get divorced

Can I share with you some sandwich wisdom? The best bread for an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich is scallion pancakes heated up in the toaster

Time is so fake, “oh we added more daylight” no you didn’t, daylight is portioned by the cosmos repent of your hubris

Billionaires could sleep every night on cashmere bedsheets and yet they still prefer to ruin the world for everyone else

Unpopular opinion: a Midwesterner should only be allowed to travel when they can demonstrate some control over their need to stand in lines immediately, no matter what

The part from A League of Their Own but it should be “there’s no crying on Wellbutrin”

When the Airbnb host has a labelmaker but also thrifts like it’s their job, guys it’s a confusing place to stay the night

I want to be invited to people’s houses but only so I can look at all of their stuff and ask detailed questions about anything I think is cool

Gonna start saying “got a real bummer in my tummer” when I have gas or whatever

every child should be allowed to bring a little lamb to school and I will die on this deranged hill

I type very fast but also very loud because deep inside I am an airline ticket counter employee from the mid-90s who’s late to go on her break

I fear I have never been able to get into Björk 😭

The most embarrassing part of heterosexual marriage is when the guy hits middle age and thinks a career as a streamer is realisitic

Ah fuck, realizing that I developed personal growth after all of the bad shitty things that ever happened to me, 3/10 experience overall

I suffer from a form of Space Madness known as “Earth Madness”

While you were out spending your youth learning to twerk, I was perfecting the heels-down Asian squat. I’m a 5’9” white lady with no ass, the squat was much more functional and impressive

All My Earworms Are Irish Rebel Songs About How The British Should Die

I got babadooked got one living in my house now and it won't leave no matter how much trauma I resolve or how many rocks I throw at it

If I wasn’t asexual before seeing Kid Rock and RFK Jr with their shirts off, I sure as shit am now

I din’t care what happens to me once I say this: apple cinnamon is a dumb flavor and anyone who has apple cinnamon smell in their house is a loser

I could not be the protagonist in a gothic novel because no one in that genre was ever like “look I’m tired of this shit, here is an immediate solution” the way I like to do

Wuthering Heights is about the most annoying couple you know who make their issues everyone’s problem anytime there’s a get-together

I wouldn’t be good at being a rich person because if I got on a plane and there were stairs leading to first class, I’d activate the bouncy slide and go live in a tent

$BILLION$ IDEA: Ozempickles 🥒

Bill Hader is one of those guys who’s Not Hot, Just Tall

YOU: football is like war ME: *sends in drone strike to hit the QB but accidentally hits the fans in the stands* yes it is

does it mean I’m autistic if the experience of watching Super Bowl ads makes me feel deeply alienated from the normal American mindset

am I paranoid or is the theme of the Super Bowl ads so far all about gambling and locking children into trading imaginary money on the stock market

velveeta day is a sacred day in my household, it occurs but once a year

Yet another year where I wonder how the census would categorize Count Chocula's race

and coming up next at the national prayer breakfast we have this golden calf that we’re all worshiping now, lets get those hands in the air for the golden calf everybody

we as a society shouldn’t have let Jim Morrison or Jewel make poetry books

my transphobe second cousin sure has a lot of opinions for someone who looks as divorced as he does

atp I think cigarettes deserve to make a comeback

Top tier hard reboot of the human body is taking a transcontinental-length flight, immediately getting something to eat, and then wrapping yourself in a hotel blanket like a burrito and sleeping HARD for the next 10 hours

I bet Cersei Lannister is terrible in bed, she’s slept with like 4 guys in her life and the only one who makes her horny is her twin brother

Look I want to support the youth but these Young Goths are not it. You guys should be cosplaying Victorian-era consumption vibes, not anime-inspired clown goth lite. You can be goth or you can be Juggalo, there is no in-between.

Do you really think I’m dumb enough to fall for barrel leg jeans

Every day I have to hear about some asshole