think he the hamburglar. wow, flyboy here really think he the hamburglar. *watching news with parents* I think the thing is, he really think he the hamburglar *honking horn* what’s your PROBLEM buddy you think you the HAMBURGLAR?

I feel like some people don’t know the source

Emerald Fennell think she Sofia Coppola, Sofia Coppola think she Francis Ford Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola think he the Hamburglar

women say they don't want a tom and jerry brained man but then pick the guy who literally flattens himself under a door to get into the club. ok

r2d2 whistling aggressively as it spins around and shows off its enormous new breast implants

Replies you get when a post makes it to Discover: This reminds me of a poem my father wrote. Mind you, he wasn’t a good poet and was an even worse father. But he was possessed of a certain rustic perspicacity. Actually, I’m more like him than I like to admit. We both like brunettes DDD and above.

Mamdani: As my first order of business, we are bringing back twee. This is a millennial city now

ME: team rocket will never steal these rare Pokémon! Not unless they wanna take on me and my fully evolved Miss Cigarettes! MISS CIGARETTES: miss cigarettes

Blippo+ shows top 5 1. BUSHWALKER 2. Quizzards 3. Boredome 4. Wake Up, Universe! 5. Clone Trois Special mention to Do You Party? canceled and taken off the air far too early

I’ve been eating a lot of apples recently specifically honeycrunch apples so I google them to find out more about them and there’s an article telling me I should have been eating these apples 5 years ago and actually they suck now and that’s what going on the internet is about

For Christmas, Sarah got me a copy of the Japan version of Perfect Dark for the N64, entirely because it has hands-down the coolest box art that has ever blessed a video game. I look forward to leaving it in different conspicuous parts of the house to be noticed

Jodie Foster: They should have sent a poet Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night

Cultivating joy, especially in times of darkness, is vital and a practice you have to work at

defrosting the freezer, passing the time by constructing elaborate revenge fantasies about the man who must have broken into my house last night and left it open

the weird two-year stretch in which i was older than every nfl quarterback is finally over. hopefully that will never happen again

Me: God, what is the point of life? God: You know how they’ll make a dog toy look like a mustard bottle or something, and it’s purely for the human’s benefit and the dog’s like buhhhh whuhhh. Well you’re the dog, and I love mustard, baby.

The baby simply can’t get enough of falling asleep to Random Access Memories by Daft Punk

Shredded cheese. Why do Americans have to make everything so violent

yeah I like playstation 2. Playstation 2 the polls

That was Elon in those streams including yesterday. Not falling for this

honking on bobo while my man plays 2k. oh you thought i meant my man's bobo?????? fohhhhhhhhh

The ideal gamer form. Beautiful ridiculous creature.

when you’re walking the dog and just trying to get to the objective marker but she keeps stopping to sniff out all the collectibles

I just think it’s great that everyone is talking about the Falcons

Ok, 1st pic clearly shows they’re at the station after security where you stuff everything back in your bag, not before the scanner where everyone is timing how long it takes you to empty your pockets. I love getting angry at women for taking photos as much as the next guy but this is whatever

woah miss piggy bamalam woah miss piggy bamalam big bitch of ham bamalam made the frog her man bamalam

Most babies will start to show signs of telekinetic ability at around 8 weeks; but if your little darling seems a little behind on this milestone, don’t worry! Experts say that psychic powers can manifest in many different forms, and on vastly differing timelines

Dog watching me change the baby and asking herself why she’s the only one in the house who has to poop outside

I’ve been playing a lot of Original Flavor Mass Effect while balancing a sleeping baby on my stomach. It’s pretty great and I want to fight anyone who doesn’t like the shooting! The baby’s favorite is Wrex!

when you have a newborn your hierarchy of needs is 95% made up of various kinds of pillows in distinct shapes to accommodate every conceivable weird posture. i don’t even want food anymore. i just want fucked up looking pillows

Hard launch! I have been hanging around exclusively with my new friend the baby for the last few weeks. The giant eye in the middle of her face comes from their mother’s side, which explains how beautiful and funny they are too

sentimental Christmas ads are getting out of hand, man. I will not be made to feel wistful at the behest of Home Store & More

this place is developing genuinely weird issues with replies

sublime couldn't write that two joints song today, because of inflation (weed too strong)

Fucking the parcel delivery updates man for parcel delivery updates

voting The Penguin for mayor ahh constituency www.irishtimes.com/politics/202...

The first time I voted, Michael McDowell lost his seat in the constituency I was in and tbh it set a high for electoral participation that I don’t know I’ll ever feel again

the main text that guides most american lives more than any bible verse has to be if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best. really any facebook platitude that gives you the right to be horrible. "you have to earn my respect [picture of a minion who is also the police]"

as every single company you have ever bought something from emails you for black friday, you find yourself fondly remembering your life's great purchases. outside, planes fall from the sky as all humanity gives into a beautiful consumer reverie

hey there delilah what’s it like in piss poop pee pee

we are, at any given time, all of us pooping; it’s just a matter of which point of the process we are at

I think chicken / mozzarella / pesto is a real specifically Irish “pretending to be a sandwich” combination. Here are 3 things you do not hate. It doesn’t matter if they go together. The sandwich is too big so it can trick you into thinking you are getting your money’s worth for €15. Lunch is Dead

Please note that this Parent and Baby screening of Wicked is a PvP enabled area. Do you still wish to continue? > YES NO

I do like listening to older rock music from the 60s and 70s but it's kind of a bummer that all the secret messages in the music are telling me to kill people who are already dead

the single biggest lie perpetrated by video games is that fishing is a quick and easy way to make money

Happy Max Headroom Signal Intrusion Day to all who celebrate. A mystery I find eternally evocative even though we all know who did it: somebody's cousin, and his no-account friends who were either into CB radio pranks or had a punk band. Maybe both, but science has limits.