Turned down an invitation to the Met Gala so I could watch the new series of Only Child. Such a lovely, funny show.

Slightly diminish a film Ageing Bull Shallow Dave The Last Temptation of Chris Normal Activity The Buckfast Club The Boys from Bellshill

Me, phoning my boss: "I agree, 'sex-crazed nudists are running wild' does sound a bit far-fetched, but I'm just not leaving the house until it's over."

Slightly diminish a book. Journey to the Centre of Perth The Fridges of Madison County Realistic Expectations Whiskas Galore Postcards from Bono

Not a lot of people realise that these are their real names.

Mandarin duck, Kirkcaldy celebrity. A small crowd gathered around. A pair of boys in their early teens stopped to see what was happening. One said "That's not a normal duck. What sort of duck is that?" I told him it was a mandarin duck. He asked, not even sarcastically, "Are you like a duck guy?"

They will never stop playing the victim, all the fucking time. The fact was they put up a terrible candidate.

Can't wait until Sunday when I will bring out my A-material about resetting cooker clocks.

Scotland are playing in a World Cup and I have tickets to see Belle & Sebastian, Death Cab For Cutie and Teenage Fanclub. It's all very exciting but I have absolutely no idea what year it is.

Jesus when he comes back to Earth:

Not a single Oscar for any of the films I pretended I'd seen in order to look cool last year.

Michael Stewart on Premier Sports, co-commenting on the Dundee v Dundee United game: "He literally left Iovu for dead there." "He looked to play that early ball, almost forcing Stephenson into an unforced error."

Spending lunchtime with 'Only You Left', the new album by The Orielles, out today.

I'll always have the memory of Robert Duvall doing the half-time draw at Kilmarnock v Motherwell in 1999. I expect that will feature prominently in the tributes.

At least a website from which I bought socks in 2015, and that has a fairly loose grasp of data protection legislation, is thinking of me this Valentine's Day.

Finished watching Small Prophets and yes, it is as good as everyone says.

YouTube adverts keep trying to sell me AI girlfriends like I don’t already have a collection of balloons with a smiley face drawn on.

My 80s pop history book, #IntoTheGroove: '...tells pop's never-ending story brilliantly.' DAVID QUANTICK 'Like a treasure chest of pop riches.' SAMIRA AHMED 'It reminded me of how much I loved the 1980s.' GIDEON COE 'A delightful, curious compendium.' JUDE ROGERS eandtbooks.com/books/into-t...

“You are reading my Christmas Day email to a convicted child rapist asking when his next child rape party on peado island is in very bad faith”

It's so grotesquely and pathetically apt that even in his damning Epstein emails Elon Musk just reeks overwhelmingly and unmistakably of that vacuous desperation for acceptance and approval. What on this Earth could be more risible than "please, please invite me to your child abuse party island"

A very happy, strawberry-flavoured birthday to the brilliant @christinamartin.bsky.social, who wrote my favourite Viz letter of all time.

33 years ago today, after ingesting the river water at Duff Gardens, Lisa Simpson became the Lizard Queen. “Selma's Choice” first aired on Fox on January 21, 1993.

Genuinely the type of incoherent drivel that used to be the sole preserve of shambling fuck-ups on the last bus home from Kirkcaldy.

I've heard more about Brooklyn Beckham today than I have since the day we found out he couldn't photograph an elephant.

So, I'm 50 now.

Honestly, it's as if the FIFA Peace Prize means nothing to some people.

Luke Littler may have won back-to-back world titles but he'll never know what it's like to be reassured by Tony Green.

This does seem just a little bit bad! Idk the sort of thing you’d think politicians might distance themselves from or something!

Remember when comedians defended taking Saudi money by saying they were opening a dialogue? Any danger of that starting yet?

Jump Into 2026 I love the secret feature at Nine Elms London Underground station that reveals itself during a sunny day. If you arrive at the perfect moment, the roundel logo is beautifully projected onto the floor. So I took Dancer Andreya with me to interact with the scene.

Very much all of this. The many Brits bashing the capital are very useful idiots for overseas efforts to undermine the country imho. As I've said before, it's time to push back at the nonsense

edgy

Whenever you experience imposter syndrome, remember that the person who came up with 'Merry SkySportsmas' probably makes a decent wage.

‘Image shows serving suggestion’. I’ll take my sausage roll with more sausage rolls

Went to see some Billy Connolly related public art in Anderston, Glasgow yesterday.

If you've been watching Jaws on BBC2 and are wondering what the Czechoslovakian poster for it looked like, now you know. (Photo taken by me at 'Identita: The Story of Czech Graphic Design' at the Czech Centre, London)

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and commiserations to those whose bin calendar is slightly less straightforward this week.

I realise now that I subconsciously rank the muppets by which of them I would not want to be bitten by.

I like Home Alone but I would honestly buy a version of it that's just John Candy's cameo.

Make a film vague... Escape to Which Mountain?

If you start watching Knowing Me Knowing Yule at 11:21pm tonight, Alan punches Tony Hayers with a turkey at the exact moment it becomes Christmas. Start the big day off right.

Just saw a seagull walk past me with a whole mince pie in its beak. NOW it feels like Christmas.

Hope they played the sad Bullseye music as the truck pulled away

Bought a meal deal yesterday and the chatty shop assistant asked me if that was the last of my Christmas shopping.

A lot of Facebook dads are telling on themselves in their comments below stories about David Walliams.

I’m reminded of watching two old ladies ask a teenage goth for directions and she politely told them and when she was out of earshot one lady said “You know where you are with a goth”

He’s making a list, He’s checking it twice And a third time, And then he stands accused of losing the list Yet his is the only name on it, Franz Kafka is coming to town

Derek Trotter is one of the great TV villains. A cheap, nasty, grasping crook who holds back everyone around him - aspirational brother, war-hero uncle, talented fiance - a loser who can't succeed so no-one else is allowed to. The fact he's seen as a hero also tells you something about the public.