*Me, watching a movie in which a torch appears out of nowhere* "Oh look, somebody just got back from the torch store."

I believe in you despite all the evidence to the contrary.

3.5 billion years of evolution; survived ice ages, mass extinctions, asteroid impacts, and gnats looked at all of that and said “yeah but what if we just… went for the eyeballs.”

Nice try – I know a trap when I see one. Is that butter?

It was funny, but in a public television kind of way

Getting into the spirit of the World Cup by dramatically falling over and writhing on the ground whenever someone in the supermarket nudges me with their trolley.

Schrodinger's will there be a parking ticket under the windshield wiper?

Big popcorn doesn't want you to remicrowave the bag with the unpopped kernels.

Sorry Classmates dot com. I don't care that three people who were barely acquaintances decades ago looked at my page or whatever.

I may not be fluent, but I can be silent in many languages.

The all corrupting power of wants becoming needs.

I can be optimistic, but never when the world is looking.

Hey Claude, why is it so exciting to buy a new water bottle

I have a sneaking suspicion all my sneaking suspicions are becoming full blown frothing verdicts.

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

Turn up the volume, ffs

Death by a blue checkmark on WhatsApp.

Nothing stopping us from changing “et al” to “and the fellas”

how do i put my phone in depeche mode

Flirt with me by playing the Barefoot Contessa theme music while I speed-walk to my gate at the airport like I’m late to a very elegant emergency.

Oh by golly! A grand procession of twenty-plus Instagram story segments, each a meme or reel of the highest cultural importance. My deepest thanks for this generous bounty—what a time to be alive on your timeline.

"We won that fight," I assure them, unable to tell friend from foe in the bloody sea of humanity before me.

Shoutout to my ambitious Waze that automatically filled in “Costa Rica” when I searched for Costco

Why bother burning the bridge when you can simply let it sit and rot?

The art of asking the other person “and how are you?”

Another year has come to an end, and I’m still no closer to understanding if some people wear jeans to the gym because they’re confident or because laundry day finally won.

Busy Women Trying to Find Time to Hang Out on Their Calendars - a Netflix documentary

[Pronounces Vermont like ‘vermin’]

Never underestimate the therapeutic effect of standing your ground.

Once I started walking away I couldn’t think of a reason to stop.

I'm mystified at why people spend half of their time bitching about how AI will further ruin the internet and the other half sharing AI-generated images.

Everyone's "believe scientists" until the scientists start saying things they don't want to hear.

I love seeing nostalgia rebranded as retro.

Be the content that you want to see in the world.

the owl's distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Every time I start an email to a colleague on a Friday with “happy Friday” I die a little inside.

tomorrow in crossfit we’ll just punch each other in the face the whole time

Right, Bass Pro Shop T-shirt guy with a baseball cap in Paris, I too have no idea how I knew you were American.

[to patient] Long story short, I'm not really a doctor

That’s great that you’re a ‘people person’, but I don’t think you’ve heard about people.

Nothing will ever punctuate a sentence like slamming down a rotary phone did

Pretty sure people look at my life and know I've not been eating those good luck black eyed peas

This is certainly not the dystopian nightmare I was expecting.