everything is awful and all I can do is think about cheese

the way i eat them i'm bound to choke to death on gummy bears so to maintain my street cred please just tell people i was killed by bears

Missing the part of the pandemic where it was practically illegal to come near me

crazy to think chevy chase's real name is chevrolet chase

On your deathbed, you will never regret the time you spent shitposting online. It is the offline world that is filled with pain.

remembering princess diana. one day she was with us, and then wham! she was gone 😥

ai can never take my job. coz I have no job.

lol at people with motivation

I thought for years that i didn't have free will until i freely changed my mind and decided i did

i'll be binging google till it yahoos

Don't bring an egg mayonnaise sandwich to a knife fight

been listening to too much brian eno. someone call an ambience

Watching my favourite Bond movie. The one where there is a villain who wants to take over the world and Bond manages to scupper his plans at the last minute

imagine if ryan gosling was an actual gosling lmao

attended an AA meeting. recharged my batteries

i'd tell you the secret to making indian flatbread, but i've signed a naan disclosure agreement

Starting a new book or as I like to call it, fibbing.

Thinking about boobs while staring at the moon so people think I'm really deep

i've worked out the size of the universe. and it's big. bigger than 100

bet the guy who worked all night to invent the wheel fell asleep at the wheel a lot

If reclinable chairs count as drugs, then yes, I'm always on drugs

asked myself out on a date. we chatted all night. had a lot in common. things are looking good. i might be the one.

tattooing someone and saying "whoops a daisy" every 30 seconds

I'm going to start putting butterscotch on everything, not just mashed potatoes

really thought I'd be mainly bionic by now

even the price of balloons is going up. must be inflation

I can achieve anything until I put my mind to it

Witness: “-and then he said ‘Nobody move-“ Judge: *banging gavel* “DO THE VOICES”

[God creating pigeons] Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer

Once I get to 1000 followers I'll take off my bra

how did we make masonry that would last forever, a century ago but we can’t now?

She died doing what she loved: untangling Christmas lights in the bathtub.

[my journal] Day 1: New year, new me Day 2: Day 3: … Day 17: *wakes up naked in a Tijuana jail*

[to patient] Long story short, I'm not really a doctor

Sorry I got your dad’s jizz on your sheets when I sat on your bed.

Technically a brass band play metal

It's 2024 and condoms still don't come with a tiny headlight