Austin alert!!!! The P. Terry's milkshake of the month is cookie butter! This is not a drill!!!

Seeing a lot of hot takes about this and the point is: she's fucking right! This country, turns out, hates women *even more* than black men. Sit with that for a while before you comment.

Maury was more evil than Jerry Springer because Jerry embraced its vileness and aired at night but Maury was on in the day & I remember being home from school and they were doing paternity tests and a lady said a baby looked like Roger the alien from American Dad and they did a split screen of them

I wish I had never watched this, bc now it will live in my brain for the rest of my life... with cool sour cream... youtu.be/vX2J6mceWic?...

I don't hate the children. Even the shitheads. I'm just burnt out (again). I'm averaging burnout once every 4 years.

I hate these ratchet children. I hate humanity. The vast majority of us are base, selfish animals.

Printers and computers treat each other like they broke up the night before and you’re they’re mutual friend

I have dreamt about tornadoes my entire life. Apparently they symbolize feelings of chaos, loss of control, and being overwhelmed.

Welp, at least it's $7 Sushi Wednesday at HEB.

What's that you say? It's a terrible time to switch careers? And a terrible time to sell a house? Oh, ok. Nevermind. Totally wasn't considering doing both at the same time.

Subject: Forget Something In Your Cart? I Have A Gun In My Mouth And I Will Do It

Peter Thiel has spent hours litigating the identity of the antichrist, but this is all deeply unserious, the antichrist has already revealed himself publicly

Got the Pig a gas station hotdog as her last meal, drove to the vet, and lost my nerve. $400 later, pumped full of meds, she lives on.

Lookit the size difference between these two bestripéd beasts. They are both full grown, and Eliot is actually the big brother to Banjo. They are now sleeping forehead to forehead, bc they are bruddies, and illegally cute. 🚨🚓

I wonder if she wants to domme or submit. I bet it's the latter. Get some (non-Christian) therapy, you miserable, hatin' ass hater.

I have to take my dog to the vet this afternoon, and it may be the final time, if you catch my drift, so I'm kind of a mess. Sometimes the right thing to do does not feel right.

i am sorry they keep fucking with your plums in the icebox poem

This country is fucked.

McDermott can justifiably fire Joe Brady, but we all know what really needs to happen.

::toot toot:: Here to pick up your hopes and dreams!!!

That was a serious clown show. We are way too inconsistent to even count on the playoffs this year.

Cool hat, Sean, ya fuckin douche

Ok, kill me NOW. All the other times I didn't really want it.

Should've kicked.

football’s all like gimme that coconut i want it it’s beautiful but tennis is all like fuck this stupid lemon i hate it

Can't even get on the fuckin' board.

bills

I don't know if I have a second half in me

CUE YAKETY SAX 😒🎶🎷🦬

This team is just so stupid. How they can look so good last week and then so unprepared this week is infuriating

Cut the crap, Bills

Keurig turns coffee into littering and Kay turns love into fascism.

Did they not practice this week? What the ever loving fuck!

Are you fucking kidding me

I think the Buffalo Bills should do literally anything to try to win this football game

Jesus Christ the chat on this game stream is just the lowest, most vile racism... fuck.

Jesus Christ the chat on this game stream is just the lowest, most vile racism... fuck.

Yeah, sorry, McDermy's coaching leaves a lot to be desired, still.

"Hemorrhoids" sounds so clinical. Just say "ass situation"

There's a universe where all insects and arachnids are obsessed with performing magic tricks, and wherever you go, you'll see a spider pulling a fly out of a gossamer hat or a dung beetle making his dung ball levitate or a cricket with a goatee annoying a group of ladybugs with mentalism.

Hello @bernielomax.extranapkins.net @sammylou.bsky.social @ianferguson.bsky.social This is French M. Charles

Mr. Fats, aka Banjo, wants me to get out of bed and feed him and his behavior is increasingly violent. He knocked my drink off the nightstand (thankfully had a lid) and now he's rolling around on the carpet with a lighter. If I die suddenly, he will definitely eat my face before my body is found.

❤️🧡💛 @theelginwind.bsky.social

Stopped at a gas station and the lady there said "you look very pretty." Thank you, sweet lady! 😊

Latest journal, with fountain pen.

And so it is that you must now join the graveyard that is my Archived texts. Goodnight, sweet prince. ☎️🪦

The century old social contract that has kept your society nominally non-violent and democratic is beginning to become frayed, playboy

The ability to convince capital markets to hand you a trillion dollars on the strength of obvious bullshit paired with the inability to get a single human to sincerely and spontaneously say they love you is some real punishment of the gods shit.