My two most successful skeets have both been pictures of Banjo being cute and fat in a cardboard box.

“he worked for Blackwater” was the most information anyone ever needed to know what that dude was about

This morning I got rid of nearly all of my emotional support cardboard boxes, because I am totally normal.

Stayed up very late finishing a book.

Well that's an immediate block

I will *NEVER* tell you "how you did," U.S. Dept of Education. I wish Linda McMahon an unbeatable infestation of bedbugs in every room of every one of her mansions.

Your package has arrived, and it is very heavy!

The peaches right now are just perfect 🍑🍑🍑

so on my tour the guide said a lady once married the eiffel tower but then divorced it because she resented that so many people visited they could never be alone which i mean talk about unrealistic expectations anyhow ladies and gents the eiffel tower is single and ready to mingle

I drank all the wine and fell down a rabbit hole listening to this and looking up pictures of the Obamas. They love each other. ❤️😩😭 youtube.com/playlist?lis...

Eating a frozen pizza, watching a documentary, drinking red wine... one of my most natural states. Happy Birthday, America. I'm very depressed lately and a big chunk of it is bc you're such a disappointment.

Maybe it’ll happen…

I can’t help but feel like America’s 250th birthday would be more meaningful if the country weren’t being ran by a defecating rapist pedophile with Alzheimer’s who’s stripping the country for parts like a stolen car before leaving it in a ditch

This is, I believe, the connoisseur's 4th of July dril tweet

250 years ago today, Jesus gave birth to a pile of guns

fuck you america, old ass bitch

The wish granter

I gambled on a new item at Taco Bell and I finally found something I find gross. I should've known better.

not now, radioactive fire tornadoes

Fill your garage with Hogwater.

Neil you monstrous beast!!! I love you 🦭💖

Holy shit how is it 1:30+ in the am???? This is what happens when you mix new art supplies and la lechuga del diablo!!!

What an excellent day I had with my @dorispringle.bsky.social !!! 💖💖💖

I'm sitting outside in the shade on a lovely patio, having an iced coffee, and a drone flew overhead. I will never not be unnerved by them.

Holy shit, that was the best massage I've ever gotten. I feel like she wrung out my nervous system. I immediately booked another.

I'm about to have a massage bc @dorispringle.bsky.social is the best ever!

saw the worst thing in the world today

NEEEEIL!!! 🦭 He is a terrorist and I love him.

These are the best gummi bears ever created and the pink grapefruit one in particular, is sublime.

Netflix offers me: Single White Female (1992) The Good Son (1993) The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992) I've seen every one of these 37x, but not since before the year 2000. I'm going with a TV movie called Victim of Beauty: The Dawn Smith Story, aka Nightmare in Columbia County, circa 1991.

Roommate took the principal certification exam today.

Ugh I just applied for a new student loan repayment program bc the emails have been coming for months (and I've been ignoring them for months) and I fucking hate giving a single red cent to this transnational crime syndicate masquerading as a fascist government.

I'm getting really excited to visit Portland! I just put a bunch of attractions and restaurants into my map and found the transit line and stop from the airport to the place I'm staying. Any recommendations, folks?

NOT ALLOWED TO SAY HOW TO FIX ANY OF THIS - dashare.zone ADMIN

we are one john roberts heart attack away from the complete dissolution of the reconstruction amendments and instantiation of a formalized caste system

It’s really important to install an entire federal discrimination system so somebody’s cis daughter can finish 14th at her swim meet.

My phone autocorrects "blowjob" to "Blagojevich."

Yep, pretty much!

There should be a social group called Friends of Garfield where men eat lasagna together

campus drive-in theater, closer view with neon, el cajon boulevard, san diego, california, 1979

Difficult to believe, I know, but @dorispringle.bsky.social was not harboring the runaway giraffe. 🦒

I'm so ready for 4pm, y'all. Love this program, but I'm spent. No more gas in the tank. Miss Reezy power down.

Yes, I'd love to hear your regressive theories of gender roles, 9am-drunk bus hobo who clearly has control of his life and has not alienated everyone who ever cared enough to let him sleep on their couch. Men rule the world? Fascinating, tell me more.

Allergies are kicking my ass today

I just went to Guitar Center to get a gift card for my student and there was literally a guy trying out a guitar by poorly playing Smoke on the Water.

Old people take *so long* to answer their phones. Pick it up, Susan!!! It's in your hand!! It's on the 4th ring!!! The volume is so high my ears are bleeding. Jesucristo.

Where is my agape today? I wanna murder the dudes behind me on this bus, for their tedious conversation and loudly ringing phones.

Leon evokes my bullying instinct so hard, man. I just want to make him cry. He is such a twit.